Contains abuse - Struggling to cope with recovered memories

[[Luna]]

Hi all

I feel bad for just reappearing again and immediately asking for help so I'm really, really sorry.
I have DID and I'm in therapy. Recently (over the last few months), parts have been coming forward and talking about what we've gone through to my therapist.
Initially I had information that I struggled to know and live with and made a suicide attempt which resulted in a badly broken leg.

Since then even more information has been brought forward and I don't know what to do with it all.
Apart from my therapist, I don't know who to turn to with all of this but it's so much to hold and process by myself. It all feels too big and too heavy and too scary to tell anyone but I'm trying to manage new triggers, new flashbacks, new horrible feelings towards myself.

My therapist has been using terms that feel too much. They don't feel like they should apply to me. I tried to look up other survivors that may have gone through similar but then it's just too much to read about.
I feel so disconnected and alone from everyone around me. It's making me isolate and have darker thoughts.

I don't know what I want from this. Just not to feel so alone and scared I guess.

Thank you if you've read this, it means a lot.

[Cacoethes]

Heya.
I don't have any helpful advice unfortunately, just want you to know that you are absolutely not alone, even though i know it feels like it.
I know for a fact that a lot of people here care about you. Including me obviously!
And we are here for you <3

[[Luna]]

Thank you so much for saying that. It means a lot and I care about you too.

I feel so disconnected from everything. My mind's either in panic mode, worrying about who might be listening or watching, or there's the memories playing out over and over.

[long road]

Would some grounding in the present moment be helpful? I dissociate a fair bit and use grounding to try and help. Especially grounding using safe objects with good memories like my soft toy duck Ducky.

I have a load of different types of grounding exercises I can send you if you would like. It's got different ones as well as the 54321 technique.

Thinking of you

[[Luna]]

Hey thank you so much for replying.

Yeah I have quite a few grounding techniques. I also have a box and a grounding bag full of sensory stuff to try and help with the dissociation. I always welcome new grounding techniques so, if you wouldn't mind, that would be great.

I'm finding it hard to make sense and get my head around new/more detailed information, and all the implications that come with it. My therapist seems to be of the impression that I can just tuck all this stuff away until I see him which feels unrealistic. Especially as I don't even get an opportunity to speak sometimes (other parts takeover or I'm too dissociated). Thats what happened this week so I didn't get a chance to talk through 'my' thoughts and feelings.

I'm trying to stay distracted as much as possible but my mind just keeps going back to it. It's a lot and I feel alone with it. It's not the type of stuff you just go around talking about with other people.

[long road]

Is a PM ok for the grounding techniques or would you prefer me list them out here? I have a pdf I can copy them from so it's pretty easy to do.

As for the therapist expecting you to hold onto stuff have you considering writing down what you want to talk about / what is haunting you? Might help you get it out if your head and also if speech isn't working but the primary you is still there you could hand them to your therapist.

Have you discussed grounding in sessions with your therapist? End of last year I finished the best therapy I have ever had. It was the best partly because it was regular sessions for a year and half, but I think what made it so good and allowed me to make progress was that we worked within my distress tolerance. If I or my psychologist noticed signs of me dissociating/ getting acutely distressed we would pause for a moment and either distract or ground me depending on how far gone I was. With time I noticed the signs I was starting to dissociate earlier and I find the earlier the notice the easier it is to pull myself back. Of course it doesn't always work but in general it meant therapy left me less of a wreck and over time I could go deeper into things. I understand if that isn't your therapists style but you could also try incorporating some time into the end of the session to help you reorientate.

I understand the way your mind draws you back to the memories I have some that haunt me. Have you ever tried mindfulness? I know it doesn't work for everyone but I found it helps teach you how to accept a memory is there but get less trapped in it. Hard to explain but acknowledging it's presence and moving conciously away seems to work better than fighting it for me.

[long road]

Going to put grounding techniques here in case they can help.These are all the ones I have except the 54321 sensory one everyone uses.

Touch and describe an object

Find an object around you e.g. cushion, handbag, water bottle. Try to describe it as if you are explaining it to someone who has never seen it before. e.g.

“This is a cushion, it is a square shape with a red and purple pattern of stripes…it feels soft with some hard ridges around the corners”

Repeat until you feel calm.


Memory Game

When you are feeling distressed or dissociated, you need to try to reorient yourself to the present moment, and using declarative memory can help with this. e.g.

* Name as many types of dog breeds you can.
* How many cities have you visited around the world?
* Repeat the alphabet backwards.


Say your Mantra

When you are not in a dissociated state, it can be helpful to develop a list of personal mantras or affirmations that help you when you become dissociated.
Write them down somewhere and keep them in your handbag or on the notes on your phone. e.g.

* I am safe, I am here in the present moment
* This feeling will pass, nothing bad is happening right now
* I can handle these emotions, I am strong


Square Breathing

Getting your breathing under control can be hugely effective in reducing distress and anxiety. Square breathing is a simple way to refocus your attention to your breath and the present moment.

With your index finger, slowly trace the shape of a square in front of you, keeping your eyes on that finger.
With one side, breathe in for 3 seconds…
With the next side, hold your breath for 1 second…
With the third side, breathe out for 3 seconds…
With the final side, hold for 1 second…

[Bellatrix]

Hey love,

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much. You deserve only peace and happiness.

I completely understand the fear around having new information about what you endured. I found out something similar a few years back which changed my entire understanding of what happened to me, and not for the better. It makes you feel like you are out of control. But you must remember that it is still the past, even though it feels like the present because it's new.

I have no idea if this would be helpful, or safe for you to try alone. But have you thought about writing statements of what happened on pieces of paper. Like, 'I experienced....' and any other thoughts or bad memories... And then burn them. One at a time. Read it, accept it an let it go. You don't have to do it all, but perhapse now and then when you feel ready to try letting go of that intense emotion associated with it, when you're ready to try and put it in the past, you could try this, maybe with someone to make sure you can do it safely.

If you ever want to talk, I am here. I'm sorry I have not kept in touch. I struggle to reach out to people, and the longer I leave it the worse it gets. You're always welcome to message me. You're not alone.

[[Luna]]

I want to say thank you. I'm struggling with words. Feeling very frozen and overwhelmed.



Love you Jodie and Dw, I'm the same with reaching out so I get it.

Thank you both so much for the suggestions.

[Unbreakable.]

Just wanted to send some love and say that we are here if you are ready to share more or just want to talk about how you are doing with things.

It sounds incredibly hard and overwhelming to have to deal with.