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Joined in 2007, never posted before
Hi! I've been in chat here before, when I couldn't access the site/forum with chat I used for support anymore. But I have never actually posted anything here.
I came back here now because the other site's (SF) chat is almost dead, it used to be a place of comfort for large parts of my life, a place where the chat was almost always filled with people to chat with, but sadly, now it averages 10 messages an hour. So I came back here to see if the chat is more active, but it looks like RYL doesn't have a chat anymore :/
It looks like the way the internet is going, though. Forums and chats are giving way to apps and...impersonal things. I think the golden age of the internet was between 2008 and 2014.
Anyways, allow me to introduce myself. I don't know if I'll be very active here, but I might as well post something while I'm here. I'm a 32 year old (god, that hurts to say) man who's been socially isolated since my teens, when I was severely bullied. I've "socialized" online in chats (mainly SF) since about 2014, and made several online friends but... they're all gone now. I get depressed frequently because of the unfulfilling and lonely life I live.
I got my first job in 2020, I started working the day after my 30th birthday. I even tried socializing in real life for the first time since basically my childhood, but I haven't done so in a year. It was exclusively 1 on 1 meetings, and most of them were girls from dating sites/apps. No one stuck around. But on paper I've made a lot of progress since 2020, historical progress even. Yet I feel so depressed and dead inside. I was happier in 2017 - 2019, when I wasn't working, but had online friends that I talked to every day. It didn't make me happy, it wasn't enough. To be happy I'd need friends in real life to do things with and sunshine, lots more sunshine.
2017 was the happiest year since summer 2006, I started studying then and I did really well, and I loved it. My mental health was so so much better, and I was a better friend, more relaxed and loving and accepting and..ugh.
If, in 2019, 2023 me had told 2019 me that in the following years, you'll get a job with decent pay, you'll meet several people socially, you'll have your first kiss, your first sexual experience...2019 me would've thought the next years were going to be the best of his life.
Yet 2019 me was happier.
It's uncomfortable to be in my 30s. In a way, ever since the bullying and other events of my teens broke me, I've been waiting for my youth to begin for real. And it's so unpleasent to think I'm 32, racing towards 33. To see other people my age look and sound like proper adults, they have spouses and kids, the wear suit shirts to work, they talk about dry, grey things like careers and finance... And to know I've only got aging ahead of my, I've run out of youth years. It makes me feel like it's all over. Life has lost all of its spark.
I could ramble on but I think I've given you the general gist of what my deal is now
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