Relationship - talking about urges with them *possible trigger?*

[Em1986]

I was in an abusive relationship for years. But I went a good 9 years without SI’ing, even during a very rough divorce. Until a couple months ago.

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship so I was quite healed by the time he saw the scars. But still pink and noticeable. He asked about it. I was pretty embarrassed.

I’m 36 ffs.

He just asked me to speak to him if I ever feel the urge again.

But I don’t know how not to feel like a dumb kid when I think about bringing it up. It feels like such a childish act. And yet here I am thinking about it. Letting it take over my every thought.

I WANT to talk to him about the urges I’m having. But I feel so stupid.

He’s been nothing but an amazingly compassionate and understanding and patient person. I’ve had plenty of baggage/PTSD from the ex and he’s never been negative or impatient. Or done anything to make me feel like he would be anything but amazing. I just can’t get over my own feelings of being embarrassed that these are still my thoughts.

I don’t know if I’m asking for advice on how to not feel so childish, or how to bring it up. Or if I’m just getting it off my chest in hopes that I can fee mildly better that I said something to someone.


Whats everyone else’s experiences with new relationships and this stuff?

[Pi.R^2]

So pleased to hear that you've now got such a supportive boyfriend and I hope that over time you'll feel more comfortable being open with him.

I'll just jot down a few ideas that could potentially make it easier to start a conversation:
- typing it rather than saying it in person/on a call
- start by talking about the feelings behind your urges rather than specifically that these feelings are leading you to want to hurt yourself, at least at first
- say something like "remember what you saw on my arms/legs/wherever? I'm starting to feel like tempted by that again", which avoids any of the words which can be hard to say!

It's not at all childish to self harm or have urges to self harm. I remember reading an article about how self-harm had become increasingly common in much older people, which in itself isn't good news or anything, but hopefully at least might reassure you that you're not alone!