My mum said she's kicking me out of the house,she's give me a choice,i either stay here and no cutting/lies/overdoses,or i carry on with all that and i have to live on the streets. I didn't think she was being serious,but then she told me i had to pack my bags yesterday and if i didn't i'd have to go with nothing. She was screaming in my face and then started poking my arm really badly(when she knew it was really hurting anyway).
I phoned my godmother crying my eyes out down the phone and told her,and she said i don't really have a choice.Even though everyone knows how hard i'm struggling not to cut,even though i've not done for 11 days,which is really good,nobody else seems to think so. I really want to run away,i mean not like anybody wants me here anyway. I knew i shouldn't of cut,i knew it,i tried doing it in a secret place where she wouldn't find out,but she guessed,she searched my whole body and found lots of new scars(well not new but in new places where she didn't know),and she broke down in tears. She said she's had the worst life she could ever imagine,how she was abused when she was a little girl by her father. And how her whole life nobofy has ever loved her,and it's been hell. But since she went to University and got a degree and got a job she really loves. I start to self-harm and put her back in hell again. She said she might go upstairs and take a large overdose and kill herself so she won't have to see me again. She sounded so serious about it,it just broke my heart hearing her say such horrible things. Then she went on to say how one day she's going to go for a drive in her car and nobody will ever see her again.
I don't know what to do.
I've not cut since,although i've took plenty of overdoses which i'm sure if she finds out i'm done for.
I feel like i just don't want to live anymore,this is all my fault,my mums never happy because she's constantly worrying about me,if i'm cutting/overdosing.Everything that goes wrong in her life is all my fault.Everything. I really wish i could go back in time and never of started self-harming,because well it's not only destroyed the last two years for me,but it's destroyed it for my mum,probably more so for her.
I just want to jump in a hole and never come out. Now i'm too far in to try and save myself,save my mum.
I'm going to self-harm group and seeing my physc tomorrow so i'm going to tell her everything.
Maybe she can help.
Sorry for it being this long =[
