back on it again.

[vonAppen]

so as the title says im back on it again, I have been almost free from self-harm with only a few minor relapses, but after the last major relapse where I had surgery, I have started again but not as before but now I cut myself in a more destructive way, with great risks that something goes wrong, I have brought an old fantasy to life, where I no longer care if it goes wrong, but want to see how far it can go. the voices in my head have become stronger also the pictures from what happened when I was a child have become more. I'm at the border where I do not know what I want anymore and do not know if anyone cares. if I do not hurt myself, I shake until I cut myself. the voices just want me to go deeper and it's starting to get hard to sow against six voices in my head even the one who was kind has turned against me. I feel no feelings anymore. I also do not know what I want anymore. I do not go on any medicine it was probably three years ago, just as I have no contact with mental health care. everything was fine before but now everything falls around me how did I get to this point and do I want to continue. I have intended to write before but have pushed it forward just like everything else and now I am here and do not know what to do.

[Zurg]

Hi Alex.

I hope you can find some hope in the fact that you actually want to turn this around no matter how cruel the voices are and how pointless it all may feel right now.

I can see you're swedish. I'm in Denmark and i Think maybe we're both at the same kind of place self harm wise. The psychiatric system in my city has pretty much given up on me due to the self harm aspect that has been going on for so long. As they discharged me they could only advice me to seek out some help at the local centre that deals with substance abuse. I tried approaching them but sadly, they did not want to take on someone who is dependent on self harm as they did not have the neccessary expertise.

But, i am hoping maybe things Will be different in Sweden….??? Your first point of entrance back into the system is probably your doctor. Maybe he/she can say whether the next step Will be the mental health team or somewhere else. And if the mental health team feel they cannot help then i urge you to try what i did and approach the local substance abuse team.

Self harm is both a coping mechanism and an addiction. It makes no sense only treating one aspect of it but since nobody has really Connected the two treatment wise it is quite difficult finding a place that can help you on both of those paths.
I am hoping there would be at least someone close to youwho would try to help. There are people out there who can make a difference. But there's a lot of people out there too who doesn't have the faintest idea on how to help…..

You’re welcome to pm me if you want to talk about anything. I saw you have a breaking Benjamin lyric in your signature, i am a huge fan of them myself. Sorry, i tend to waffle. Anyways i hope you Will keep speaking here if it helps. Sometimes there's a bit of comfort in knowing that you're not alone.

[vonAppen]

hi, thanks for the reply.

right now everything feels hopeless and I go back and forth in my thoughts and feel that I have no control over my self-harm or the voices and as soon as I cut myself it gets worse and I lose control completely so I can barely remember what I did .

ah denmark has worked there in the summer before when I was 15. I have had several contacts with mental health care and been to several different facilities, no one really knows what to do and as soon as I started a treatment it has usually been interrupted for someone stopped or someone other reason. I have never had to go through a whole treatment and now that I moved three years ago, I completely disappeared from the system.

Can not say that it is a good experience I got from mental health care the first time I contacted I was 18 years old and then I told them that I was sexually exploited for 1 year by my sister's friend when she slept over with us and she slept over several times in month. then I also told him that I had just come from the emergency room, the person I told him about because then started crying and had to take another into the room to be able to hear it after that so I did not tell much more, but closed myself. then I did not tell that I heard voices or saw the events since I was a child in my head like a flipchart. I was later sent to a new reception which sent me to a closed ward because I was a danger to myself, I was in the closed reception for 4 days and was discharged because I cut myself deep at the reception, they did not tolerate that you self harm there. I have since been on several different but found a good one in the end and could then control the voices in my head and also my self-harm, but when I then moved from there I was not allowed to stay, but they sent a new referral to a new reception, which sent to me that I could hear from myself if I needed help, but I have a hard time trusting people so I never heard from me.

Yes, I think I'm addicted to it, because once I start I can not stop, thought I could control it by only hurting myself when I feel really bad and then tell myself that it's okay to do it . Right now it's really hard to be able to control myself and I hurt myself in places I have not done before, when I told myself that it is too dangerous, but now I do not feel that I care either, but if something happens seriously, it must be the way it is and maybe it's the best then.

I will certainly send a pm to you and talking is always good to have someone to talk to. I're been breaking Benjamin's I're heard for a long time is one of my favorite bands. Will continue to write here to be able to try to get me out of these thoughts I have. It feels good to know that you are not alone but feel like you are.