Possibly Triggering - 6 months SI free...but I'm not free
Well it's about 6 months now since my last SI.
Which is the longest I've been since I started 7 years ago,
So thats great...and I am really proud,
But...but there's always a but.....
I don't know
I still always think about it, always feel like I want, like I need it, like I cant survive without it...like the only thing that keeps me going is that I might cut again.
I know I dont need it, and I know I can survive without it
So why is this so hard?
I'm fine....but Im not
I just feel out of control
I dont know
I dont even know
Ive moved forward, but often I feel like Im moving backwards again
BUt even with that...I havent cut, there was a time when i cut constantly, constantly needed stitches, but I havent cut in 6 months, and it does feel great
Even though its hard sometimes, i can hold onto the fact thats its been 6 months...i cant give up on that can I? Im proud of it and so is everyone else..
So I keep fighting...however hard it is.....Ive got through Hell before, so i can do it again..
Right?
Last edited by Lora : 11-12-2007 at 11:15 AM.
I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this Dead and Eternal snow.
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there, and lie to me and tell me it’s gonna be Alright.
- Conor Oberst
im guessing youre sick of me but yeah i didnt want to read this and not reply so here i am...
Im really glad that youre proud of yourself, i think thats a huge step, to recognise that youre doing well. when we first spoke you were cutting everyday and everything was seeming hard. Things still are hard i know, but it is a huge achievement how far youve come.
Now that youre not cutting, it doesnt make it all go away, but it means you can deal with the real issues under why you do it, because thats part of the problem. You really have taken massive steps and im well proud of you *huge hugs*
i dont think youre moving backwards, but maybe youre just standing still for a bit. Just because things are moving forwards like they were at first doesnt mean theyre going back to being bad. SOme days will be harder than others, and then you could have a good week where loads of stuff goes right, but then the next week feels like your going backwards because its staying the same, but really youre not going backwards, youre maintaining where you are which is a majorly good thing.
remember how strong you are, and i know you can get thru this and feel ok. you can survive without it because you are. If the thought of cutting is helping u atm, thats ok. i know its hard when its always there but at least youre not doing it, so thats definate progress. maybe when you want to cut, write some stuff down, maybe in red pen so its not in your head, so its out somewhere.
sorry for the essay :/ hope a little bit of it made sense
love you xxxx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
I know scarily what you're going through, because I'm going through the same thing. There's always a maybe, and there always will be. You've done amazing. If you ever need to, or wanna talk feel free to PM me, alright?
Something that jumped out at me in your post was that you were always feeling like you wanted and needed it. Have you given some thought as to *why* you feel like you need it?
As I'm sure you know, we often use SH as a way of coping with something...is there still anything you are struggling to cope with? Or come to terms with? Is this something that is making you feel out of control?
You sound as though you do have the will power darlin and if you want it, you can make it. However, the harder you work at sorting through things hopefully the easier it will be in the long run.
Keep us posted,
Chloe xx
We don't get given patience but the opportunity to be patient.
Courage isn't handed to us, but we are given opportunities to be courageous.
