Triggering (SI/OD) - i've had enough. i'm so alone
before i start i will say sorry for this post. i dont really know what to say so it will probably just end up as i nice boring winge session. i know no-one will care anyway.
well lately i have been feeling really alone. i only really have three people that i can turn to when i'm down. two of them are from here, panda and tiff, and the other is my other half ben. tiff and panda are amazing and are always there for me but it's just not the same, theyre not there in realy life. i cant physically turn round and give them a hug when theyre down and they cant do the same to me when i need it. as for ben, he is my rock he truely is. i love him to pieces. i have been with him 6months now and is everything to me. i try to keep some of the worst stuff from him though. i know he will walk away from me when i fall for him completely and i dont want to give him more reason to do so.
anyway, today was my last day at school. my last AS exam. i decided not to go on to A2. no-one said goodbye, kiss my ass, or anything. not even a wave! wouldnt expect any different, i've only known them for 6 years, some of them more.
i came on msn today feeling a little bit positive. i decided that leaving school would be an end of a chapter and that i can make a new start. i was planning to meet one of my best friends tomorrow as a sort of celebratory thing and now he has told me he cant meet me tomorrow and disappeared offline. then one of my oldest friends came online:
i said 'hi'
he said 'who is this'
i said 'haz'
he went offline.
doesnt really do wonders for your confidence when youre already struggling.
i have my pills next to my bed again, i had managed to move them out of my room for a while. i also have a big urge to cut.
its all just getting to much right now. i wish someone down here understood SH and gave a **** about me.
I know you're struggling hun, please don't be afraid to talk to me or Panda. I will always be here for you, and i would do anything to take away your pain. Don't appologise for posting, it's what RYL is here for.
Can you get rid of the pills? Try and flush them down the toilet maybe?
Please don't do anything, we love you lots, and i don't want to loose you.
I know you wish someone would understand near you, but i'm always here for you, even if its 3am and you want someone to talk to.
hey hun *Cuddles*
please never appologise for posting on ryl, its what its for.
yea i am always here for you hun and you can always come down here ;)
im sure ben wont walk out on you hun.
its cool you finished school now, and im sure if people have seen you they would have said bye, is it possible you got out of there fast and hid abit so maybe they didnt see you.
im sure your friend that you where going to meet up with had something important happening hun, maybe something had happend at theres and they had to go urgantly and wouldnt be allowed out or something.
please dispose of the pills hun, flush them or something, and please dont cut hun, it wont help.
im sure they do care about you hun.
and about your dad and for the rest hayley asked me to post this, her dad just beat her up again :S and she thinks its a broken rib or two. *big cuddles* please go to hosp hun and get checked out, it wont do any good for you at all!
im here always hun
XXXX
ily
hey, firstly have a large cyber hug from me, i know what it feels like to have no one to really talk to and it's hard when it seems like no one understands you....
do you have a counsellor or anything like that? like a professional that you can share some of your feelings with, who can at the very least suggest some ways to keep you safe...
I would also suggest talking to your boyfriend, who i am sure wants to be there for you when you need him.
you dont need to apologise for your post, it's healthy to write down your feelings and people on RYL are here to be there for you!!
p/m if you need to chat or just need a distraction
kate xxx
not a family, a house :
purple_rain (Liz) - my purple dolphin
Chingas (Lisa) - adopted sister
claireyfairey - my toaster
avalanche - the house spoon
First of all, your feelings are totally valid. I personally know what it feels like to be spurned by old friends, as I'm sure many people here do, so you're not at all alone. :) I'm sure any one here would be happy to talk to you when you need an ear to listen, me included. I know it's not the same as a real life friend, but sometimes it's important to realize that the people we know in real life take us for granted without even realizing it. Seeing someone every day for 6 years or maybe even more makes one vulnerable to apathy. They expect that same person to always be there, or at least not far off. When you're dealing with people online, continual back and forth communication is a lot more important because you don't see each other on a regular basis or even at all. I don't know if what I'm saying is making any sense! Sorry about that.
About the pills and the self-harm, don't do it. It doesn't help. I know it may be relieving temporarily, but the relief is just that...temporary. You need to find a longterm solution and self-harm definitely isn't the answer. I'm not gonna tell you to find a therapist, but I would advise finding someone in your life who you can trust completely to talk to. If it's not your boyfriend, then somebody else, even a parent. (not to sound lame ;0)
I'm so sorry hunny. I know you feel alone, and you very well may be at home. but you can always escape to us, let us be your circle of friends. i know its not the same but at least you are able to have the support you need. Please be strong, you are so much better than SI and you are worth more.
I hope you feel better, i'm here for you always. PM me anytime.
<3
So long ago, was it in a dream, was it just a dream?
I know, yes I know
Seemed so very real, it seemed so real to me
Took a walk down the street
Through the heat whispered trees
I thought I could hear
Somebody call out my name as it started to rain
Two spirits dancing so strange
Ah! böwakawa poussé, poussé --John Lennon
to start i just want to say thanks to everyone that has replied. it means an aweful lot. i would like to keep in touch with you all so we can help to support eachother through the hard times but dont want to force myself on to anyone so maybe you could just send me a quick pm if its ok for us to keep in touch?
as for tiff and panda.... i cant express how much i love you guys, its a shame youre not exactly expressing the same love for eachother at the moment but never forget that i am here for both of you.
