Triggering (SI) - The BIG conversation

EmTeeEm · 10-12-2007, 10:48 PM

*I'm sorry, I've been away for a while. I don't deserve help really. I've not been here for anyone and I really do apologise.*
*maybe slightly adult?*

I've been with my bf for 5months now and its got to the point where we've been talking about sleeping together. Thats not the problem. I love him and its not an issue of being forced into things. Its just he doesnt know about my arms. They're bad. "irreversibly scarred" which I'd like to deny personally, but all the same hey're covered in keloid and hypertrophic scars and I'm just thinking how he's going to react. He knows about the depression and the underlying ED which I also choose to deny to him but this just seems to big and too scary to bring up when we're out and I can't do it by msn or email, I'd hate that if it were me.

Sex can't be all that sexy if you keep you're cardigan on is all

xx

slambrini · 10-12-2007, 10:57 PM

my ex bf used to be an SI-er b4 me, so when he saw my scars he knew and understood, so there wasn't a problem, but now I'm scared of getting a new bf who won't understand when he sees. But having spoken to people, if he really loves you and is worth it, he'll try to understand and will love every part of you, scars and all. sorry i can't be too much more help, pm me if u need to chat xx

EmTeeEm · 10-12-2007, 11:13 PM

Thanks for the reply darll. Just really struggling right now. RIsking hospital and i really dont think I can lose him. I get too attached to easily and since day one hes been the one whos going to cure me. Every boyfriend is that one bt recently I've got so so much worse. I don't think I'd be here if he finished me in all honest. Not in a terrible tragic teenage way but in a way that he's my only outlet into the "real world" I dont know how to explain. Its been the same ever since I was ill./I cant remember a relationship thats has ever had the healthy dynamics
xx

slambrini · 10-12-2007, 11:16 PM

none of my relationships have healthy dynamics either.. they become my sole focus, its the only thing that keeps me happy and sane at the time, and i feel real again. i dont know how i survived my last break up; he slept with another girl on my birthday then dumped me... SI came in big then again 4 me.. xx

EmTeeEm · 10-12-2007, 11:19 PM

I'm so sorry. I can totally relate though. He is my sole focus, I'll panic if I dont talk to him, paranoia, hate him one day love him the next. Its never the same in two days and he's not been around tonight so you know obviously it must mean he's cheating on me and I absolutely hate myself for thinking that because he's amazing. I dont deserve him and I sound horrible sappy and disgusting I'm sorry xx

Samz · 10-12-2007, 11:23 PM

i had the exact same worry with my boyfriend. so i told him that we needed to have a chat about some things (i think he thought i was gonna dump him! =/) and i told him then. i'd told him before that i had used to self harm, but i hadnt told him that it was still active. i spent the entire week before our conversation having panic attacks, not sleeping etc etc i was so convinced i was going to lose him.
but he was so so so amazing. he is a constant tower of strength for me and i dont think i'd be here without him. telling him has easily been one of the best things i've ever done & i don't regret it for a second. if your boyfriend really loves you, then he will love all of you, scars included.
good luck lovely *big cuddles* x

slambrini · 10-12-2007, 11:23 PM

i'm sure you do deserve him and don't be sorry- I'll go in2 panic mode and obsessive mode until I talk bf or see him, nothing else matters, and I over analyse everything, so when relationship breaks down I always blame myself and think right I won't make the same mistake again, but I always do.