****i am struggling cut earlier nothing deep nothing bad ...its been a while since i was last here i had been 2 months of not cutting as my husband threw the last of the tools out and refused to get anymore yesterday after pleading with him to get me tools he got them for me and i self injured about half an hour ago my husband isnt happy that i made him get the tools when i have been free for 2 months i am christian and i speak to my minster who is an mental health pastor for the NHS at the mental health hospital but i have known him for years and i feel that he is a good friend as well hen is also his husbands carer i have BPD and so does his husband we have talked about things and he told me its unfair for me to ask my husband to buy me tools but he not been around for 2 weeks as he has been on holiday to the states he back soon i hope ( unsure how many weeks he is going for he told me but i cant remember ) things have been bad between me and my husband
we are fighting a lot over my eating disorder and the fact av been using a pro eating disorder forum but i think am going to use here instead i am struggling a lot with my eating disorder i dont want to eat at all and my husband been trying to get me to eat and that's when we fight about it
my husband said he wished he never got the tools for me i mean i can ask him to bin them but part of me really need them so i can feel sane with out cutting am worse off as it all i think about i obsesses about cutting i have OCD sometimes with thoughts of hurtting myself and others the thing is i have never hurt anyone ever but i still feel i will the minster friend also takes time to talk to me about my problems and it normally hhim that makes me rethink and not do so much damage to my self eg my head ****s that i give myself with the OCD i have religious OCD on top of that am also NON BINARY TRANS ( Its under the trans umbrella) all of my friends are LGBT and i love going to the church i go to as its LGBT friendly also everyone is welcome there no matter who you are what what ever color , religon , sexuallty or gender everyone is welcome
I love it there so much and am getting involved with the church volunteering and becoming an voting member of the church ( for meetings etc ) i take this role very seriously and am looking forward to being a memeber even thought i have to stand in front of the church and say i do 3 times when my minster ask me questions my husband is also doing it as well as some other people at the church
as i sit here typing av asked my husband to get rid of the tools again he says he not pissed at me for wanting me to get rid of them but he will be pissed if i ask for more after he has thrown them out
i got to go now as my nieces are here and we need to do a food shop
sorry it kinda done in a rant thanks
