Hello, apologies for posting and for lack of supporting. Would it be okay to post a mini support thread over the Christmas period? I know Christmas is a very stressful time for many people, and I would be incredibly grateful for any support, advice or hugs to get through this month...
Two years ago the person involved in SA (I'm going to call them X to make life easier) moved back to my home town, which made going home a lot more difficult than it already was. Before, I was able to go home, despite memories associated with the house etc, but without the fear of seeing them. Last Christmas I went home for 3 days, and I stayed with my Nan (my grandad died last year, my grandparents raised me so it was very upsetting) so the dynamic was very different. Those three days were still a slight disaster.
This year my Nan is going away, so I have to go home on the 18th to see her, and I'll come back on the 27th. It will just be my mum, my stepdad and I for the majority of Christmas. I don't know what to do. Also my mum is still friends with X, and she informed me they'd like to see me. No. Also food is an issue.
Sorry this was a lot longer than I expected... I'm not even sure what I'm asking for really but a place to just rant and write down everything in my head with some gentle support would be So appreciated. Thinking of you all over this period.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Thank you both for your lovely replies, I really appreciate the support.
I was supposed to have therapy today, but it was cancelled, which is fine, but next Monday is now the last time I'll see her before I go home and we haven't had a chance to talk about going home. I know she can't do much but she really helps me rationalise everything and I just wanted someone who could listen to everything in my head. We still have next week. But I'm panicking 1 hour won't be enough. I know this is very selfish and I shouldn't be so dependent. Sorry.
I literally don't know how to cope. How do people deal with being home? Or during triggering times of year? I don't know why all my coping strategies have suddenly disappeared. I'm so overwhelmed.
I want to go to the place where I've often nearly attempted suicide and is my go to place. Which scares me. Today I stood at the side of the road for what felt like forever debating whether to not to step into the road. I obviously didn't and I don't think I will. But I'm struggling. Sorry this is so long and rambly.
I am actually fine sorry.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
There is no need to apologise. It doesnt sound like you are dependent and certainly not selfish. It is more than understandable to want more time before christmas. I wonder would it be possible or practical for you to write a letter for her of some sorts before your session on Monday, with everything you have going through your head about going home, then give it to her and she can have a read of it and perhaps you will have time for a chat about it? I'm just thinking that reading a letter would take her less time than it might take for you to say it out loud, so might save some time.
Why do you think you want to go to that place? Might it be triggering for you to the point of perhaps feeling more suicidal? Does that make sense? Sounds like it might potentially make you more vulnerable than you are already.
Thanks so much for your lovely reply Steph, it's very much appreciated. I shall write a letter, that's a great idea. Do you think she'd think it weird? I've written a note to her before, but never something longer and the stuff I'm thinking is probably ordinary things that she knows....
I might write some things down I'd like to explore. Can I post them here to see if it's abnormal concern? Mostly what will happen if I see the person? How do I cope at home in the place where stuff happened knowing they are relatively close? How do I act normal around my mum and family? Last year was a disaster and I was only back for 3 days and I stayed at my nana... how is this time not going to be a disaster? And what do I do about NYE? I can't even think of that right now.
The place is t a good place which is why I usually want to go there when my brain has had enough. I've had enough and I want it to all go away. Why isn't it January yet?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
I don't think writing a letter is weird especially as you didn't get that session.
It's a good way to communicate your needs and to save a bit of time from your next appointment. :)
All of those concerns sound rational and reasonable to me.
I wish I had any advice. This is a really difficult situation for you and it is naturally to struggle and worry about it.
She cancelled again. I now won't see her until Jan 9th and I have an exam then.
I'm panicking. I don't know what to do. I have no one to discuss it with. Why did she cancel again. What if she doesn't want to continue with me. What if this is it. I don't know what to do. I've run out of copes. And I can't see my therapist who will help. There's so many things in my head and I have to wait until January 9th.
I'm sorry. I don't know what to do.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
I'm sorry she cancelled and that you're finding it so hard to cope. I dont think its because she doesn't want to continue with you, there may be many otber reasons including illness and personal reasons.
Is there any othet professional you could see? GP? Mental health team? If so they may be able to liase with the mental health team back home in case you feel at risk.
Do you have any friends or anyone you could spend most your time with when you're back home, or even plan something for them for a day or two?
You have to do everything you can. You have to work your hardest. And if you do, if you stay positive, then you have a shot at a silver lining
'Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life'
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”
I have a different take on Christmas and NYE. I think that you need to be clear on the level of stress you can manage. I assume that your mum does not know about SA so is asking you to see X. If you want to see your nan make it about that.
But do not tolerate triggers. Have a back up plan to leave early if you are put in a position you are uncomfortable with.
I literally time my day but I have to be very careful not to get overwhelmed.
What went wrong and why did things go wrong last year in 3 day?
What do you have control of to change?
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Thank you both so much for your replies. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply but I did read your replies and they were so so helpful and appreciated.
I'm sure she did just cancel because she was ill but my brain doesn't think rational anymore. I'm not with CMHT at home anymore and I'm not sure how easy it would be to access them. I saw a university counsellor person for a drop in during the week because panic. She helped calm me down a little. But it's difficult because she didn't know me and I didn't really tell her anything. I can still ring OOH for very Christmas if I need to. Which I will try and access.
My plan is to just say no. I have lots of revision to do so that is going to be my excuse for everything. I hope to hide in the house. But that probably won't happen. I'm staying with my Nan which is fine but we will have to leave the house. Then I will be with my mum who will also want to leave the house. Obviously.
Last year I was very suicidal when I came back and during. I took various overdoses over the 3 days just to get through. I also b/ped a lot as good is stressful. So I don't even know what to do about going back for 9 days. Sorry. I'm leaving tomorrow. I still haven't packed. I've resorted to drinking alcohol. But still need to pack. Sorry. Urgh. I can't do this.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Hey,
I am setting boundaries early regarding my triggers. Do you have to go out randomly?
Can you make an agreement with Nan or Mum if you see X or feel overwhelmed you will be allowed to go home without protest? You need neither explain yourself or feel guilty.
I think appreciating by just coming home you are making them happy but making yourself vulnerable. Then when you do something harmful they neither understand or can help.
Be safe.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I'm not really coping. Also I've lost my purse which has my return train ticket and my prescription. The GP won't give me another one. They said to register as a temporary patient but it's unlikely they'd give me the script I need because they'd need to be signed off by a psych. Also that requires me going to a GP without my mums knowledge coz she'd freak out she thought I stopped taking meds. I'm so stressed.
I want to OD and run away. Which I know probably won't help my cause meds wise.
Sorry I haven't replied to your actual reply. I don't know what todo.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Thanks Soph, someone found my purse which is literally amazing but I might not get it until Saturday. I'm hoping my prescription is still inside. Will pharmacies be open on Christmas Eve?
I ODed yesterday evening which was stupid and I threw up most of it during the night and this morning. I just wanted everything in my head to go away. I've forgotten to take one of my meds for the last few days as I misplaced it and just forgot I was supposed to take it... so that might be why my head has gone.
Pharmacies should be open on Christmas eve, I imagine that pharmacies in supermarkets or places like boots are more likely to be open. Could you phone your GP at home and explain the situation, they might be able to fax a copy of it to a pharmacy near your parents.
I don't know if this is a standard thing but my local paper has a list of which pharmacy are open out of hours.
I'm sorry that you ODed yesterday, do you need medical treatment? Have you found the medication you've misplaced?
I hope the next 6 days pass quickly and as painlessly as possible. Remember we are here to help you through them.
It's okay I have my prescription now. It was so expensive, I currently live in wales where prescriptions are free I didn't realise how much they were in England.
I'm okay sorry I'm just being dramatic. I've felt ill and dizzy today but I don't know if that's stress or tiredness or something. I don't know. I feel better now though. Sorry.
Everyone is so excited about the Christmas time it makes me sad. I want to be excited but instead I'm filled with dread. I don't even know why. There's nothing wrong with Christmas Day itself, it's lovely etc. Sorry I'm now just moaning.
I'm really struggling with food. I know this isn't the place but I don't want to make another thread. I've eaten so much and I feel so incredibly disgusting and gross. I don't know how I've lost control. I need to leave and go back to wales.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
They are rather pricey, note for the future there are payment plans that can make it cheaper if you need (I think) 4 items in 3 months or 14 items in 12 months.
I'm glad that you have your prescription now and that you are feeling better. I can relate to your feelings about Christmas, remember what ever your feelings about something they are valid regardless about what the status quo is for such situations. It is ok to moan and there are lots of people that have mixed or negative views on Christmas regardless of where or not it should be a lovely day or not.
Food issues are hard at Christmas, are there any small ways that you feel like you have a little control over consumption to ease things before you return to home?
I'm finally back home. I'm still struggling. I'm confused and struggling to understand things. There's so many things in my head. Too many thought. I'm confused and broken.
My mum is very upset, her aunt got diagnosed with cancer in 3 places Christmas Eve and her cousin (who was terminally ill) died Boxing Day. She called a few hours ago to say X's wife has also just been diagnosed with cancer. It's all my fault. I don't know how to feel. I'm just detached but I feel guilty I should feel things. But right now I need to be numb. At least until adter new year. How am I supposed to feel?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Hugs I'm so sorry you are all going through this. The numbness is there to protect you and not something you are doing wrong. I'm low on words but thinking of you.
