Sware there was a sub forum here for it. Times change i guess. Well im a year and a few weeks sober from.. Methamphetamine, heroin, any sort of pills, cocaine, ecstasy, well anything fun. Im clean. I notice i dont really like people. Im getting things back, family, belongings etc. I miss the transient lifestyle i had. Nobody gave a fuck, and i didn't give a fuck. Fuck some girl for the brief company i wanted to just talk while she just wanted me. Not worry about food or anything cause i was high. Just worry about showing up to work, making sure my cars tires had air. Car was up on the oil, so i could go do whatever drug run in whatever state i needed to go pick something up in. Not have anyone to answer to. I could probably pick another fifteen reasons why i miss it. Being sober, seeing what my family members are going through thats surviving. Things people say ive done that i frankly don't recall. I kinda think their full of shit but i don't know. It all makes me feel like a scumbag. At the same time, i did what i had to do. I know some people want to kill me, i am grateful they never met my family to be able too harm them. Nice house nice car i acquired faster than fuck at the expense of weak people. I don't feel bad about using peoples addiction to fuel my lifein getting ahead and getting high for nil. I kind of feel sick getting stuff back, i threw it all away multiple times. To be getting it back, having this desire again to go out. Makes me apprehensive. Am i going to throw it away? Again. It took a prison sentence of ten years lingering over my head to get where i am at now. In six months, that prison term lingering over my head will disappear. Heck, when i knew i was getting investigated i committed a crime against the police force directly. Man i can get crazy. Anyways, sorry for a ramble. I don't talk much, i don't expect advice. No worries, time will tell.
Thanks for the hugs you two. Hugs not drugs, rriigghhtt?.hah. i see a lot of "struggling " posts here. Id just like to say look up the actual definition, and if you want help quit fighting hence struggling. Im doing alright, i guess. I think about drugs, a lot. Its cause i want to get high. Now that its hot, methamphetamine sounds pretty killer. You know i am a drug addict, im sober though. I can tell whats going to set me off or not. I see people who do, do it still. I get taken back how little someone can do and be happy. Freaking if i even slept i had to do some kind of drug almost all day. I didn't really even want to do meth. I tried staying away from it, i recall the first day i did it. My boss said how happy i looked and how good i looked, asked what i ate at lunch. Then came the money. I pretty much had a job as a hobby when i was off i was doing god knows what. Then if someone other than my partner wanted to chill.. Its like i needed xanax to muster up having sex with others just so i could talk to someone for ten minutes after before they had to go home to their families. I am a bit ashamed, but i did it. Nobody knew, or knows. I guess for the greater good. All the girls at the local stores when i would get my bologna or eggs and a coke no ice.
And now to have some people in my life who are positive, i can't help but push them away. I was left behind and threw it away. Nobody left me a memo. I see my son laying next to me. Hes one. I hope he don't do half the things i did
I don't have a lot to suggest. But as a sister to someone who has struggled with drug addiction for decades, I know she finds some NA meetings helpful. She said it took her going to more than one in different places to find one that was the right fit, but they're really not that bad. (I've been to them before to support her.) That said, it's easy to meet the wrong people there. But if you want it to be of use, it can.
Have you thought about going to NA meetings (if you haven't) or finding a therapist/counselor to discuss some of it?
That said, well done on being sober for so long. I know it can't be easy, and that doesn't mean you have to like it, but it's still a massive achievement, even if it doesn't feel like it.
I quit going,. Theres two towns thats have them. If you goto one you miss the other. I went for about a year. The big town has em so they dont have to travel too the small towns. Caused a rivalry. If not enough people goto the small towns they goto the big towns, causes ungratefulness. When i was going the small town accused me of stuff ive never done, would even tell newcomers i did whatever. Which would cause them to ask about it later. Went to the big towns enough that its a pissing match between guys. I. E. I did this whilebibwas using. Or i got this for being sober. Which would trickle through other guys shares. And females, half em would have crushes on me. Or start some kind of rumor with hopes of hooking up. So that all turned me off, im going tobstay sober, i ain't going for the frills of hookup or new drug connecting. I have still about as dope of a hookup you could get in the drug world, i just don't use it. That and i turned a few girls down, which they relapsed after... Just put me waaayy off.
As for counseling.. I was out there enough that i was offered free counseling. I went twice. Spilling my guts to a older guy who can't relate to past cutting, drug use, homelessness, any of that. Didnt seem like it would help. It really still doesn't. I got some meds, i pretty much sware up and down the wellbutrin and prozac made everything worse. After that, im skeptical of prescription meds. I can self medicate im pretty good at that ��
This the most ive talked ina long time. I just learn to shut down. Truly i feel nobody cares. My son might but hes too young.
Thanks.
I wouldn't say congrats as if I wasn't so bad i would of never got help. Some people are surprised im doing good some people didn't think I would ever come back. I recall almost stabbing someone one day because i was nodding out on heroin so bad at work. I was forced behind bars to get sober. After bailing out so much like three times in a month, they would just push charges to get me behind bars on a no bond. They would try to fuck with my car too. Legal bills were getting hefty. Would get out spend half the day figuring out how to get back to my caf to just causing mayhem a day later. I was marked. Paid a huge price, im not scared, im scared as in this is the most sober i been in about 18 years.
And im trying to gauge if this is helping or not. Id share at na or aa, day or two later cops would look for me about what i talked about so i quit going cause that too. Its supposed to be anonymous. Im allowed to have feelings im told and to get punished for it.
So i got regular the first time in about thirteen months. Regular as in, i got high. It was just pot. My p. O. Knows. I got piss tested came right out with it. Nothing is gonna happen if i dont do anything again and pee clean in thirty days. Which is cool i guess. Been pretty honest with everything. I don't personally view it as a relapse. Its just pot. People say its a gateway drug... Its as much a gateway drug is as caffeine in coffee. I feel. I feel stupid as my opinion isn't the same as just about everyone elses, but its never been. And as my opinion is different i feel i dont think ive done much of anything wrong. Other than pretty much no discipline, i have to take classes still. I should be done. But im still doing less than if my crimes were, where i am originally from.
I've got a six year old step son up my ass, as im typing this.
Im not hopeless, in aspects. Im going to help myself i feel more than a counselor, or a group. I read. I change, everything all the freaking time. What i like and enjoyed last year i didnt like or enjoy the year before, and i surly dont enjoy now. I have two or three friends i maybe talk to once a month. Who all live atleast 800 miles away. I got some bonds will never ever break. As im impressed by myself to have made them, when i truly don't fucking like many people. Those two or three people are the only constant over the years. Not sure where im going with this. But. Have a goodnight.
