Hey Marshmallow, I totally understand, I felt identical when I first received my BPD diagnosis, and actually now, I just choose to ignore the diagnosis, as I hate it, and both my CPN and Counsellor both said everybody has BPD, so that kinda made me feel kinda normal and to ignore the label, I've found ignoring it to be the easiest way to deal with it, no real processing required, just a desire to show no recognition to the label, it doesn't change you, make you any different or suggest your a bad person, as these were some of my first thoughts, it's actually part of you, and what makes you, you
It's like I always kinda knew that's what was wrong but actually getting diagnosed was pretty scary. I suppose that's a good way to look at it, don't think of it as a label.
I just think, what now? I've got this thing wrong with my personality like how am I supposed to deal with that?
Does anyone else ever think that they just seem to feel things more than others? Like you have no control over your emotions? All this and my crippling shyness is too much to deal with.
Does anyone else ever think that they just seem to feel things more than others? Like you have no control over your emotions?
Yes, this is like looking at a diary entry for me, as if it were me writing it, I often feel I feel things much more than others, but also try my hardest to bottle it up and not show others my true feelings until it all gets too much then it shows in a very dramatic way, and yes I too have no control of that, it's like being outside of my body looking at myself like I'm a paralysed soul who can't move, like I'm mute and unable to speak and ask for help or make my needs clear.
I understand what you say about the shyness, but I'm not so much shy but very nervous in social situations, so tend to avoid them, it does get easier over time to understand yourself and the condition, and there are ways you'll find that help you feel better and less uncontrollably emotional, but I find these things are individualised, and different for everyone.
I like to know people are there for me, to help me if I need emotional support, but not smothering, I like the comfort I get from someone talking to me and gently squeezing my shoulders from behind, when I'm feeling emotional, unsafe or insecure, I find it comforting, others I know find it intimidating or overstimulating, and others I know find it's not enough to help them through these feelings, I have another friend with BPD who feels the need to hug everyone, he loves hugging as it makes him feel stronger, and eases his uncontrollable feelings of emotion :)
Yes, this is like looking at a diary entry for me, as if it were me writing it, I often feel I feel things much more than others, but also try my hardest to bottle it up and not show others my true feelings until it all gets too much then it shows in a very dramatic way, and yes I too have no control of that, it's like being outside of my body looking at myself like I'm a paralysed soul who can't move, like I'm mute and unable to speak and ask for help or make my needs clear.
I understand what you say about the shyness, but I'm not so much shy but very nervous in social situations, so tend to avoid them, it does get easier over time to understand yourself and the condition, and there are ways you'll find that help you feel better and less uncontrollably emotional, but I find these things are individualised, and different for everyone.
I like to know people are there for me, to help me if I need emotional support, but not smothering, I like the comfort I get from someone talking to me and gently squeezing my shoulders from behind, when I'm feeling emotional, unsafe or insecure, I find it comforting, others I know find it intimidating or overstimulating, and others I know find it's not enough to help them through these feelings, I have another friend with BPD who feels the need to hug everyone, he loves hugging as it makes him feel stronger, and eases his uncontrollable feelings of emotion :)
I get that completely. I can't control my emotions or moods and I can see myself doing/saying things that I shouldn't but it just all comes out. I try to bottle up how I'm feeling and hide my mood but I know people around me can tell somethings not quite right.
Shyness barely even describes what I'm like in social situations. I'm practically mute like I won't say a word around people when meeting them for the first time and it's so lonely and isolating.
I love hugs too. I guess the most support I get right now is from my mum and sister. They don't really get it though. I suppose I don't really get it. Even when they are being nice and comforting though sometimes I still can't control it and I snap at them.
I just want to make it all go away. I wish my mood was more stable rather than changing every 2 seconds.
Mark, I replied to your other thread so won't repeat everything I've said but I just had a thought of what I sometimes do. If you like reading try that, but really concentrate. Concentrate on every word you read, escape into someone else's world for a little while.
Well despite having my counselling session Friday, I didn't have the best of days, nothing was working to distract my thoughts, very angry destructive thoughts, mostly towards others, almost like I was feeling in the kind of mood where I wanted to push everyone away, like there wasn't even a connection between me and my counsellor like there usually is, it felt strange, but I still made it through the day, and am hoping I'll feel better after getting some space on my camping trip that I go on Tuesday :)
Sorry you guys are struggling *big glomps*
Not really around but I wanted to drop in and wish you all the best.
Hope the camping trip is really nice for you =).
Mark good luck tomorrow I really hope you can get what you need!
Oh, by the way, I have a weird thing to enquire about. Here goes; A few weeks ago I was woken by a moth in the middle of the night and couldn't catch it so ended up squishing it on the wall opposite me (sorry Moth). It was only a smallish one, about a centimetre and a half or so. Anyway, the remains of Mr Moth were left on the wall. For weeks it has been irritating me and I wanted to get rid of it but never did. I woke up yesterday to find that the Moth's remains were gone and it looks like it was scratched off the wall with a coin or something as there are quite noticeable four inch long and one inch wide Grey scratches and a faint mark where he was. The scratches look quite frenzied. Now, I don't believe that I did this, I certainly don't remember doing it at all, but it must have been me as there is no-one else!?. So, have I finally lost my marbles? Or do Moths make incredible runways when they head off to the afterlife (eventually, procrastinators!)
Hmm perhaps the moth decayed and gave off some kind of chemical as it did so, and the marks you see are from some chemical reaction, but I'm not entirely sure, I've had strange marks appear on walls etc without explanation before, I wouldn't say it's anything to worry about, just touch the wall up with a little paint if it needs, and forget about it, it's not like you've done anything majorly bad, I once had a moth flying round and was screaming my head off, I don't really know why, but I told my ex to kill it, and when it landed on the ceiling next to the light, he hit it with a tennis racket, smashing the light bulb into a million pieces leaving shards of very fine glass everywhere, as well as a white poisonous powder, from inside the low energy bulb, and it also tripped the electric, talk about a dangerous mess to try to have to clean up in the dark, as well as resetting the electric trip switch and taking out the remnants of the bulb in my high ceiling and replacing with a fresh bulb, whilst stood on a chair in the dark on tip toes, a few scratches from a moth in the wall should be a piece of cake, don't let not remembering it bother you, just feel lucky that it's nothing really bad, I've had instances where I've woken covered in cuts and bruises and don't remember how I got them, I think it's possibly from zoning out, Mark is possibly right that you may have zoned out, perhaps write a diary, of any events that you don't remember, see if there's a pattern, like what you ate that day, or directly before, or what you drunk that day or directly before, if you did or didn't take any meds or other substances, that day or directly before, I know mine is often at night after taking my medication just before I get to sleep, and is made worse if I don't eat properly, hope you figure it out but if not that you find a way to forget about it xx
Well I'm away on my camping trip, and so far so good, I did have a bit of a hidden angry feeling yesterday, and almost thought about leaving, see if I can get a train home or most of the way home, but I managed to sit through the feeling and feel OK today, I'm supposed to be going out to the pub for a meal this evening, but am not sure how I'll cope, feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, with the amount of campers who have turned up for our camping rally, but am sure I'll survive, even if it means going to the toilet to escape the crowd for a few minutes, or even heading outside and sitting in the car for a few mins with the door open, just to get a breather, I'm sure they'll understand, as a few of our group do know about my ADHD, Autism and BPD, so I'm sure they'll find an easy way to explain if I make a hasty exit :)
Thanks for your reply Stumpy. I think the thing that bothers me most is the not knowing. I don't know and I assume it was me, so I'm a little freaked out, not majorly, but enough to be concerned. I always try to look for the rational explanation first.
I now have a question for you all. I'm struggling at the minute with impulsive urges. I made a comment a few days back just before I did something silly but nothing came of it so I was OK. I'm still experiencing urges to do reckless, dangerous things and wondered if anyone had any tips about getting on top of these and not letting my mind be made up within a matter of minutes about whether I'm going to do something or not, no matter the cost.
