I could probably post this in R/V but I didn't want it to be shouted into the void. My two biggest problems are not talking about things and not letting people in when I do, and I'm trying to be a better person.
This might be long, I'm trying to pinpoint what's wrong with me and I end up with jumbled lists in my head from years of nonsense.
I lost my tv remote a few weeks ago and it's so silly but I haven't slept properly since. My room is a mess because I can't clean it right now. I run a server for public online gaming and I haven't been keeping up with regular maintenance because I can't do
anything without getting overwhelmed.
This is the worst relapse I've had since I was a teenager. I feel so pathetic. Cutting for 11 years. It's to the point now that it just feels like a routine. I don't even want to stop. I don't want to put the effort in for myself.
I used to lie, a lot. There was a point in time where nobody who loved me knew true things about me. I guess I was young and I didn't want to face my real problems so I just started making them up. I didn't want to know myself and I felt so out of control. I thought if I told the truth nobody would love me anymore and nobody would trust me anymore, and I still think I would have deserved that.
Most of the people I knew back then aren't a part of my life anymore, but one is, and they always tell me they forgive me and love me and trust me. They were so supportive through the whole thing.
But I don't believe them. I can't get it through my head that they wouldn't have stayed with me if the things they said weren't true. It's been 2 years since I told them the truth and said sorry and they're still around, and they've been consistent the whole time.. But I don't believe them. Whenever I get insecure (often) I feel like they're secretly mad at me about it. The guilt is killing me and I don't know what else I can do.
I can't un-lie. I told them the whole truth. I sat them down and laid everything on the table. What I said, how I felt, why I said it, and they didn't even hesitate remaining my friend. Why can't I believe them?
I've been struggling so badly lately. I booked a doctor's appointment even though seeing a doctor is the most terrifying idea I can imagine.
But I'm still on a waitlist. It's been almost 3 weeks and I have another 3 more to go and I don't know if I can make it through the next few hours, let alone weeks.
Nothing is comfortable, I'm always anxious or crying. I don't want to burden my friend because they're going through relationship troubles and their own mental health stuff. I don't have anywhere else to turn until I get my appointment, and hopefully back on my meds (which i stopped on my own in 2012, silly idea..) and with a referral for therapy.
I just.. I feel like I've been sucked out. I'm empty and everything hurts. My responsibilities keep piling up and I can't even brush my teeth.
I feel like an infant, or an alien. I don't know how to do anything. My focus is so horrible that if I read a passage more than a few lines long the words lose all meaning and I have to start over, so I've stopped reading books and journaling. My memory is terrible. I'm trying to pay my down payments for college in the fall and I keep losing large sums of cash in my room. Or my ID. Or other important things you shouldn't lose. When I'm talking to people, if they say a long sentence I forget the beginning by the time they get to the end and i don't understand what they're saying.
I'm sorry this is so long and scattered. If anyone has any insight into any of it I'd appreciate it.
