It all seems pointless now

CaptainB2 · 31-01-2016, 03:41 PM

I really think I'm done trying. There really is no point. I am who I am and I'm destined to be who I'm going to be. I'm a nobody, a failure, a screw up. I'm a disorganized, overly emotional, former drug addict with a history of mental health issues. I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve companionship. I used to get mad at people for abandoning me but I now realize they were just saving themselves.

I've recently lost what little motivation I had. A girl I've been crazy about for some time is now moving to another state.....with her boyfriend I didn't even know she had. I had been waiting to get my life together before asking her out. I care about her so much and wanted to give her the best "me" possible. During that time someone slipped in and stole her heart. They're even talking of getting married eventually after moving in together. She has no idea how much I care about her. She has no idea just how far I would've gone to make her happy. She has no idea what I've done or would've done just to be with her. So, there it goes. There goes my motivation. Yeah, I'm mad at myself for not making a move sooner but she deserved so much better than my screwed up self.

No matter what changes I attempt to make, I cannot escape the person I really am. I've also learned that deep down it really makes no difference. I've been working 2 jobs. I've been taking care of a dog. I'd even quit drinking and begun to lose weight. But now, it's all for nothing. It's time to start living self-destructing again. Hell, I'm an aspiring comedian. They all seem to have a history of substance abuse and mental health issues. Maybe finally being who I truly am can finally help my career. If it doesn't. Oh well. I'm no worse off than before.

I don't know. Nothing really seems worth it anymore. I've given up.

88shelz · 01-02-2016, 12:31 PM

An awful lot of self hate from you right now. Try and find a positive, no matter now small focus on that positive.i know that's easier said than done but when we focus on negatives they can over take everything and block out anything that may just be good or could be good.
You have worked so hard to get to this point. What a journey that must have been for you. Don't let yourself slide back to hold habits. Use your distractions and focus on a point that will keep you moving forward. Seek support from a doctor as early intervention can be a blessing. Life is never going to go as we plan but you need to remember "that's ok"it leaves the way open for other opportunities and amazing things to happen,just because today feels like it's the worst day ever and it will never get any better it doesn't mean that tomorrow won't be the best day of your life. Life can surprise us all.

CaptainB2 · 01-02-2016, 04:07 PM

Seeing a doctor really is not an option for me at this point and I doubt doing it would make any difference anyway. It would just be a waste of time and money that I don't have.

CaptainB2 · 01-02-2016, 09:18 PM

Feeling even worse than yesterday. I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing brings me joy. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing I do matters. I don't matter.

I hate myself!

TEAPARTY · 08-02-2016, 08:53 AM

It sounds like you've been trying really hard to get your life in order and that doesn't go unnoticed.
I've been feeling low lately so I don't really feel like I have much positivity to add to your post, but I think you should talk to the girl you like.
Tell her how you feel about her, you never know what might happen. Don't miss this opportunity. If it doesn't go well then she's moving away anyway.

Hope you feel better soon, please take care of yourself.

CaptainB2 · 10-02-2016, 11:04 PM

Hey, thanks for the advice TEAPARTY. However, I'm not sure it's such a good idea. I can guarantee nothing will come of it and it'll not only make things awkward between us for the time she is still here but awkward between me and our mutual friends. If she loves this guy enough that she is willing to move to another state with him and plan to eventually get married there is nothing I can say that will change her mind. Someone confessing their love at the 11th hour and trying to change how someone feels may work in a fairytale or a romantic comedy but unfortunately not in the real world. You talked about not wanting to miss this opportunity. However, this opportunity has already been missed and I have no one to blame but myself. That's why I was feeling so down on myself a week ago I feel like I completely blew it. I'm not going to completely rule out the idea of telling her but I most likely won't. It won't accomplish anything at this point. I would only do it if I got really desperate and decided to throw up a Hail Mary.

As for how I'm doing emotionally, I'm doing a little bit better now. I am currently in Hawaii. This was a trip I had planned for a long time and this vacation could not have come at a better time for me to get my head on straight. Unfortunately I won't be able to escape to a tropical island every time I get heartbroken and start feeling down on myself again. I have no idea what will happen next time and yes with my history there will be a next time.

CaptainB2 · 12-03-2016, 03:26 PM

I was doing much better....until today. Today's her birthday and I'm right back to feeling like I did before.

God, I hate myself for never saying anything to her. I hate myself for being so afraid. Or maybe I just really hate myself for being such a screw-up because if I wasn't such a screw-up I never would've been afraid in the first place.