Graphic - Damaged Larynx, no reason to live, getting kicked out.
So my first draft of this was obscenely long, but due to the nature of the internet and how much time and energy people have to invest ill give a brief summary. And I have to preface this with a thank you too whoever decides to read this and give their input/advice on my situation. So, thank you.
The crux of my situation and pain is the damage to the right adductor muscle in my larynx, it hinders my ability to speak and swallow, and is painful on top of the fact that my bodies physical function is hindered by it. I would rather have obscene amounts of pain than any loss of function to be honest.
But yeah, this happened when I started to have a really positive life that I had created for myself, unlike the one I had up until then, because I was treated pretty bad growing up, so having groups of friends, doing awesomely in college, doing awesome at my jobs, seeing girls, was a real accomplishment for me, I've never experienced any of that before. But It's all been ripped away, and unless your in my situation you have no Idea (or maybe you do if you have a physical disability) how it was to lose all of this for me. People like to say that the voice isn't that big of a deal, but I'm the type of person who tries things out and sees the result, the results were irrefutable, I cant convey myself the way I used to, and be the person the way I used to, not with this voice disability.
So I've tried to kill myself and failed, I'm really bad at it, not enough resolve I guess, even though I had ridiculous amounts of resolve to better myself and create my positive life.... I'm just terrible at dying. And I'm at the point where I have no choice. I was told by my parents that I have 2 weeks to find a job or I'm getting kicked out, and the end is this sunday. And my anxiety is so bad and I hate being around people at all now that I can't do it. It's too painful, I can't get over what I have lost. I can't accept this reality, even if I did, it's like a living hell, like I'm trapped in my old anti-social self against my will. I hate it so much.
So I dunno, I failed at hanging myself today, I almost lost consciousness at one point, then stepped back on the stool, then I couldn't replicate that and ended up with the strangling sensation. I'm pretty lame haha. But yeah, seems like there's no option for me, I have no where to go, no skills, my sales and social skills are irrelevant, no resolve or reason for moving forward, when I get kicked out my only option really is to jump of the golden gate bridge or something similar. At least with that there's no stool I can step back onto.
My only desire is an absolute pipe dream, like if I could I would go into the medical field regarding human regeneration. But that's such a ridiculous notion, I believe that I have the mental faculties to do so but not the experience, self control, or opportunity to do so, considering my situation.
So thank you for your responses ahead of time, if i am blessed with any.
I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you now, this all sounds very difficult and today must have been pretty overwhelming and frightening for you to have attempted suicide.
Have you got any professional support about your emotional or physical pain? In wondering if you've had any support in managing chronic pain.
One thing I take away from this is you sound very genuine, smart, but struggling. Maybe right now your dream feels impossible but things like experience, opportunity and self control can all be gained. The biggest barrier for most people to a dream like that is mental faculty and you've got that.
Please keep talking with us. I'd hate for you to be going through this alone.
My grandmother has difficulty speaking. Only my mother and myself can understand her as we spend so much time with her. It used to get her really down, especially when trying to do simple things such as asking for help in a shop or using the telephone. Her voice sounds like a wordless croak. She did tell me that the people she cares about understand her and that's all that matters to her now.
As far as the mental impact this physical condition has on you, I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling. The thing I always suggest is to find people who are patient and kind, then surround yourself with them. I have difficulty socialising, fortunately I have collected 4 very good friends over the years and for me that is enough to get me through. I suppose I socialise with the outside world though them.
I find it very insulting to hear 'there are people that have it worse'. As though only one person on the planet deserves compassion as they have it worse' than the rest. There is an opportunity to help yourself and others who have a tough, although different situation to you though. Volunteer! The catharsis you receive from doing something to help other people lifts your spirits, improves your self asteem and shows the world the person you truly are.
Helping other people from the elderly with house chores, group efforts at community gardening or cataloguing a charity shop's a stock are all great ways to improve your mood.
Have pride in yourself and the rest will follow much more easily.
Last edited by Waylander : 30-10-2015 at 08:40 AM.
Reason: Predictive text fail
I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you now, this all sounds very difficult and today must have been pretty overwhelming and frightening for you to have attempted suicide.
Have you got any professional support about your emotional or physical pain? In wondering if you've had any support in managing chronic pain.
One thing I take away from this is you sound very genuine, smart, but struggling. Maybe right now your dream feels impossible but things like experience, opportunity and self control can all be gained. The biggest barrier for most people to a dream like that is mental faculty and you've got that.
Please keep talking with us. I'd hate for you to be going through this alone.
Apologies for taking so long to reply, I haven't been able to get to a computer for the past few days. And also thank you very much for your kind words, and the prompt to keep conversing with you. I have been going through this completely alone, as my parents treat me and my situation as if they have no value, and that the proper response would be to immediately get over it... And also I have cut myself off from all of my friends, due to the fact that I have to face who I used to be and what I've lost, and also that I hate being "not me" if that makes sense. So I very much appreciate your kindness.
As for the suicide, my only thought on the matter is that I'm frustrated that I am unable to go through with it. I made my decision but was unable to follow through, but I also have nothing to really hold onto here either, and nothing but extreme obstacles. So I guess the old adage of being "stuck between a rock and a hard place" really applies here haha.
And I have been seeing therapists, but they haven't really exposed me to anything new, or had much of a positive influence on my perspective. I already understand all of the concepts that they convey, and no matter what I explain they can never truly see it from my perspective, or offer any tangible solutions.
My main concern right now is obtaining a job, if I was undamaged that would be a simple matter, but now I have to cope with my diminished social ability, which is truly agony for me. And also the logistical obstacles of me being able to provide enough value to get hired and paid with my current lack of skills and abilities.
So again, thank you very much for replying, It's hard to summon energy to do anything when no purpose or path truly seems to line up. Maybe it's just that I'm weak. No, it's definitely that I'm weak. But since I am unable to die through my own will I have no choice but to do my best against what I'm facing right now. Thought my best doesn't amount to much.
On a lighter note I really hope you enjoyed your Halloween weekend! There are a lot of ways to have fun that day and I hope it was an awesome evening for you~
My grandmother has difficulty speaking. Only my mother and myself can understand her as we spend so much time with her. It used to get her really down, especially when trying to do simple things such as asking for help in a shop or using the telephone. Her voice sounds like a wordless croak. She did tell me that the people she cares about understand her and that's all that matters to her now.
As far as the mental impact this physical condition has on you, I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling. The thing I always suggest is to find people who are patient and kind, then surround yourself with them. I have difficulty socialising, fortunately I have collected 4 very good friends over the years and for me that is enough to get me through. I suppose I socialise with the outside world though them.
I find it very insulting to hear 'there are people that have it worse'. As though only one person on the planet deserves compassion as they have it worse' than the rest. There is an opportunity to help yourself and others who have a tough, although different situation to you though. Volunteer! The catharsis you receive from doing something to help other people lifts your spirits, improves your self asteem and shows the world the person you truly are.
Helping other people from the elderly with house chores, group efforts at community gardening or cataloguing a charity shop's a stock are all great ways to improve your mood.
Have pride in yourself and the rest will follow much more easily.
Thank you very much for the reply~ Yeah the statement "there are people who have it worse" is really easy for people with nothing wrong with them to throw around. As they have no first-hand experience with that type of suffering, so I doubt they really have any real understanding of what they are conveying when they say that.
My only concern with my physical affliction is how it permanently hinders me from obtaining my true selfs original goals, and now I can't find any that I am really interested in, and also anything I go for will include a lot more pain than before... I honestly don't think I'm strong enough for it.
And I'm super sorry to hear that your grandmother has a vocal affliction aswell. It's very awesome that you and your mother are there for her and can understand her. I bet that makes her very happy.
Oh and happy Halloween~ hope you had an awesome one
