I don't know.

Aubergine · 29-09-2015, 08:37 PM

I don't know what to do. I am so tired. I last looked at the clock at 4:30am this morning and I was up at 8am. I've been out of the house all day and have just got in. I was awake because I keep chewing my tongue. It sounds so stupid, but it is so sore. My whole face is now feeling uncomfortable and movey. I don't know what to do. I feel completely trapped. It's the medication causing this, but if I stop taking it I get in so much trouble. I have a good, full life and I haven't got time for mental health services to be messing about with my liberty. It's so fucking traumatising. Every single time it happens it steals a piece of me. I know they think they are helping, but they are not. If I stop the medication, I always get punished for it. There is not a single time that this has not happened. I am angry. I don't understand. I don't understand how they can do this to people. Depression is generally treated in the community. The cliff thing got me in trouble. I was very sad and scared. The MH nurse said that if I moved away from the edge then they would leave me alone. He lied. The policewoman said that they couldn't. The coastguard came. Should have just jumped over the fucking edge. I am not depressed or suicidal, but I can appreciate that this would not be happening if I had just listened to myself instead of those liars. I have only been suicidal that one time. My room is safe. As safe as I'm going to get. I just CANNOT. I don't know what to do. I want to talk to someone, but the people I'm supposed to talk to are all part of the problem. I don't know what to do.

Serendipity. · 29-09-2015, 08:41 PM

Hey lovely. I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry. But I want to let you know I read and leave you my love and support.

Please talk to your CPN tomorrow. Write things down beforehand if it would help - even show her parts of this post? I don't think you're going to lose anything by letting her know how you're feeling and it may be possible to improve things medication wise.

Look after yourself lovely <3

Perplex010 · 29-09-2015, 08:44 PM

Hi I haven't read any posts yet prior to this I just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this. Did you get dragged back from the edge of a cliff? I know it isn't much help but there may come a day when you feel glad that you didn't jump. What medication are you on? Because if it is causing dystonic symptoms that is a serious side effect and it needs to be discussed. Is there anyone you could talk frankly with about the effect the medication has on you, in order to avoid you just stopping it and getting into trouble for it. I for one do not think it is right that you are punished for not taking medicine that is causing you discomfort and annoyance but that's just my opinion.

Aardbei · 29-09-2015, 08:46 PM

I don't have anything useful to say, except maybe to re-read some of the stuff from your other thread as I think some of those suggestions are relevant. I'm so sorry things are this difficult. I really hope your CPN is able to make some suggestions tomorrow as you shouldn't have to live with this pain.

Aubergine · 29-09-2015, 10:00 PM

Thank you. Your support means a lot.

I have calmed down a bit. I've done some self-care stuff and I've stopped crying.

I am just so frustrated.

Serendipity. · 29-09-2015, 10:59 PM

It's totally understandable that you're frustrated lovely. Well done on the self care stuff, I'm glad you've calmed down a bit. You are really doing well. *Hugs*

TEAPARTY · 30-09-2015, 03:06 AM

it sounds really difficult :(

i too have always struggled to deal with mh services involvement. try to keep in mind that they only ever want what they believe is best for you. they will never make a decision that is not in your best interest.
take care of yourself x

Aubergine · 01-10-2015, 09:55 PM

Thank you.

Work was awful today. So, so busy. We did almost twice the amount of items that we usually do. I was grumpy. I am grumpy.

CPN was nice, but I couldn't really talk to her. It's hard. She said the sea doesn't need an antipsychotic. What makes her think I do? It puts me at more risk. Ridiculous. I know what they tell me, but what makes them right? I wanted to scream at her, but I looked at the floor and just agreed to see the doctor in six weeks. Ugh.

Pi.R^2 · 03-10-2015, 06:53 PM

It sounds like work was ridiculously busy so well done for getting through that!

Do you feel able to ask her why she thinks you need an antipsychotic? Maybe she will be able to remind you of the reasons why you started them and what the consequences are of not being on them. I know the main consequence you see at the moment is that the CMHT will 'punish' you, but that is only because they care about your welfare and know that without the medication you become more unsafe.

I hope you are having a relaxing weekend.

Aubergine · 03-10-2015, 11:35 PM

Thank you, Jenna.

I have only known my cpn a few months and she hasn't known me off of medication. How can she know? She can read my notes, but they're just someone else's opinion.

I'm worried about seeing the doctor. What if he wants to change the medication? I'm concerned that it'll be something that they consider more "effective" and it'll erase the people I hear completely. They are infrequent and talk mainly about trivial things, but even with them only speaking occasionally I know that warnings could get through if I needed them to. They do not overwhelm, but they interject sometimes and that's reassuring. I haven't told anyone this because I don't know how it would be received. I have to tread carefully.

My holiday is lovely so far, thank you. We are going to the beach tomorrow. :)

Aardbei · 04-10-2015, 12:02 AM

Just wanted to leave *hugs*.

Pi.R^2 · 04-10-2015, 11:00 AM

Did your old CPN do a handover to the new one? Perhaps that's how she knows thing about what happened in the past. What are your memories of the time before you started taking antipsychotics?

I think it would be a good idea to be honest with the doctor. What sort of warnings are you talking about 'getting through'?