Contains abuse - How do you remove an abusive friend from your life?
[also contains a suicide mention, but not graphic]
Recently, I've been realizing that a few people I consider to be friends really treat me horribly. For the longest time I seemed to suck all of these rather terrible people into my own personal bubble because, of course, they weren't horrible at the start. When I moved states away, the awful ones from back home kind of dwindled away and I never had to consider them again. But as I have fallen into a depression after a hypomania, ridding of friends has become even more difficult.
With one friend in particular (this is the only one emotionally abusing me), Everything is unbalanced and manipulative. They use me as their psychologist and will go on and on without asking if I am emotionally able to handle it or not (they talk about suicide, etc without warning). They also say awful things. I am physically disabled (I use a cane or a walker depending on the day) after I was in a really bad accident that triggered an horrific autoimmune response. And they said to me "If only I was sick like you, everyone would take me seriously". And when I say "I can't focus today, sorry" I am told "well I have this ailment and this ailment, and also this, so you kind of have to". When I was in surgery earlier in the year, I came back to a phone with 39 messages ranging from "where are you?" to things that were just awful and degrading of me. They have also stole things I have written for clients of mine and got paid for them. When they have noticed me pulling away they go on tangents about their depression and suicidal thoughts and, sadly, that pulls me right back.
I was abused by extended family and ex-partners of mine, so I know that plays a role. I was manipulated for years and that has taken it's toll. Either I trust no one, or I trust too much. But no matter what I do, I just can't rid of them. I want to block them from my life but then I worry about them doing something to themselves and having that on my head. Which is, of course, their manipulation at work. When I was hypomanic, dumping them would have been easy. But my mind was else where and they didn't message me or call me for that span of time so it did not make it's self known. As I'm in a depression, cutting them off just seems daunting.
I feel like I don't want them at all, but I am stuck with them. I don't know what to do.
But I'm not cursed, I'm not cursed
I was just covered in dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt.
Sounds familiar. You need to stand up to these people, because YOU matter too. They make you feel you don't so you will feel you're "lucky" to even have them. And they know exactly how to suck you back in. When you stand up to them they will soon disappear, because they'll know they can't manipulate or put you down you anymore. Be prepared to be called all sorts for "daring" to stand up for yourself, but just ignore all of that. And don't feel guilty either, what happens to them is not your responsibility. They won't worry about you. I don't say that either to be mean, but they'll only ever care about themselves, whereas the fact that you are still there for them proves you are a caring person. That's what they will play on but in the end you have to think of yourself and your own well being. You can still be a kind caring person, but I hope you will find some friends who will appreciate that and do the same back. Cos friendship should work both ways. I think I had more to say but I forget now. But to reiterate, YOU matter too. If a "friendship" makes you feel that you don't, then it's not a healthy friendship. Stand up to them, cut them off, block them, whatever you have to do. They won't make it easy for you but it will be worth it in the end. Don't even read their messages in case you get sucked back in or have to hear more abuse. You're not obligated to anyone. I may sound a bit abrupt or harsh here, but it's people like this who have made me that way, and you need to be firm, even if your heart and kindness is screaming against it. It will never be enough, they'll want more and more and insult you if you ever try to ask for anything back. Like vampires. Good luck to you.
Just want to say too, I think some people may do this because it's all they've ever known, maybe they were treated that way too and had x, y and z happen to them. And that's sad but it's still not your responsibility. You're not (I assume) trained and qualified to deal with that, and you trying to deal with such heavy issues 24/7 on top of your own, it won't end well.
Last edited by nowhereman : 28-06-2015 at 11:18 PM.
Thank you so much for all you said. None of it was rude or anything, it was actually all extremely helpful. I cut them out of my life after I read this and got the gall up to make it official. Hearing "you're not obligated to anyone" was some of the best advice I've ever been given, and it was something I needed to hear.
I didn't give them a chance to answer me. I blocked their number via my phone carrier and I also blocked all texting/social media/email/etc. And honestly, I am already doing better. Thank you for taking the time to write what you did. It really means a lot to me.
But I'm not cursed, I'm not cursed
I was just covered in dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt.
