Hi, so, I am old (late twenties) and just getting into dating. Namely internet dating.
I am just after some advice as to what is normal and reasonable, in terms of progression of dates and being intimate etc.
I know about making 1st meetings in public places and ensuring I have my own transport so I can leave if I need to. But at what stage is it reasonable to let someone know where you live? Or pick you up? Or kiss?
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
I think as long as you are being sensible (e.g. as you have said, meeting for a first time in a public place) then the rate of progression is up to you and the person you are with and really depends on how the first couple of dates go. So if a kiss feels right on a first date then go for it, but if it doesn't, don't! If after a few dates you feel comfortable and safe giving out your address or letting them pick you up, then do that, but never feel pressured to do that. I guess it's fairly similar to giving out your address to friends or colleagues- you just kind of know after a while whether or not you feel safe giving out your address to them.
I should say this is just my thoughts and not really from experience, since J and I were ridiculously close and pretty much lived together as friends before we even got together so didn't really do the dating stage at all! But that's just strengthened my belief that there's no right or wrong pace for a relationship- it's whatever feels comfortable with you and the person you are seeing.
Thank you for your reply.
What I am finding is that the guys are tending to want to move faster than me - examples include kissing and going round to their house for dinner. I am finding it hard to know what is ok, and what is just me being overly paranoid and neurotic. My instinct is to avoid all of this - but then is there any point dating at all?! Surely at some point you have to take a risk, otherwise the guy will just find someone else?
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
You are going to have to challenge yourself at some point if you want to move forward. I know it's a scary thought, going to a strangers house, but you can take precautions like telling a close friend where you're going and agreeing a time you will call her/him to let them know things are okay.
You can take precautions but ultimately you need to work on what's making you so paranoid and worried. Is there something in particular that's holding you back?
My anxiety makes me worry endlessly about everything. I always think the worst is going to happen, for every situation, no matter how big or small. So this then leads me to think that every stranger is going to
The following content has been hidden - Reason : potential trigger
rape and/or murder me
It doesn't help that the first thing I mentioned in the hide box happened to my best friend.
So I just find it really hard to take that risk.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
I'm not sure to be honest. Part of me thinks that might even feed my anxiety because it's acknowledging a real threat. I don't know. I might feel weird having it.
I think I suck in general at this dating game. One minute someone seems interested, next minute they make excuses or don't message me. Or they seem too keen. I don't know?!
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
Internet dating is an odd little thing. I have anxiety as well, and I made sure that all of my dates took place in public spaces where calling for help would easily be heard if need be. Movies, diners, etc. If that's all you're comfortable doing right now, then that's okay. I know I didn't visit the house of my ex-girlfriend (we're not on bad terms, I just moved) until our fifth date. My advice here; if someone is annoyed that you don't want to meet at their home/apartment, that's a red flag and I'd cut contact. People who cannot respect boundaries while dating aren't good people to get involved with. I've learned that the hard way.
As for kissing and being intimate, that's all up to your own feelings and your own comfort levels. If the first date seems like a good time to kiss for both of you, go for it. If not, maybe hug. Those things get easier once you've gone on a few dates with someone. At least in my experience. Ironically holding hands with my dates was almost more nerve wracking than kissing.
For your most recent post, I only have one reply. People are fickle. Now, I don't mean everyone is bad or rude but sometimes others gain their own anxieties and decide to pull away. That and some people are looking for dates while others are looking to be intimate, it's a fickle pool but there are good people who you'll come across, too!
Thank you for your reply. I've kind of backed off from it all for a while - it was all getting a bit too overwhelming.
Your reply is very helpful though and I will come back to it to remind myself when I feel more able to get back into messaging people.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
I think I suck in general at this dating game. One minute someone seems interested, next minute they make excuses or don't message me. Or they seem too keen. I don't know?!
I seem to be having this exact same trouble myself at the moment..not just with guys but people in general =/
