I know I need to reach out to someone. It's Saturday afternoon and I don't know who to talk to, and no one is really available. I am really struggling with this whole recovery thing. I am very close to running away, quite literally, from everything to be able to maintain my ED. I want to lose all the weight I've gained so far. I want to restrict again as that seems to bring some kind of mental peace. I actually told my husband today that I hated him for making me stick to the meal plan. I have three days til I see my psychiatrist (now on weekly visits as he's realised how on the edge I am) and I see my nutritionist the day after that. But I just don't want to do this anymore, ie recover. I feel so much safer here with my ED voice and behaviours. I just need someone to vent to and hear me without encouraging relapse, if that makes any sense.
*hugs* lovely, lovely Hannah. You are doing so well to be in recovery at all- it really is a big thing that you're giving it a go even though it's hard and the mental hell it causes can be indescribable. It's good that your support team realise what a critical time this is for you- it doesn't sound like they're going to let you down. So proud of you for reaching out- you know where to find me if you need me. Facebook, PM or SMS. Take care lovely- for all that you've struggled through already I'm proud to call you a friend <3
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I'm sorry to hear that the ED voice is so strong and convincing right now. What prompted you to start in recovery in the first place?
And can you see any down sides to relapsing now? I understand that it feels like the safer option right now, but there are lots of negatives to being trapped in an ED, though it's hard to acknowledge those right now I'm sure.
I'm also sorry you're struggling so much right now.
Recovery is a battle, its a battle everyday & you're doing so so well fighting!
Recognizing when you're struggling is a big part of recovery & reaching out for support when you need it is a great step towards a healthier life.
I'm glad you're seeing your team very soon & they are being supportive, are you able to discuss openly about how you feel? Do you think showing them this post might help?
What I find really useful is writing a Pros V Cons list of why I want to recover & why I want me ED, often the recovery pro list is much larger & it helps me focus on the bigger picture rather than the impulsive ED side of me.
You're doing extremely well under the circumstances lovely, I'm proud of you for fighting so hard, we are strangers and I'm still feeling proud and happy for you for trying to recover.
Recovery comes with its own battles, going back to your ED may feel safer, as recovery is the unknown to you, but would you rather feel in your comfort zone, and feel like utter crap, or would you rather enter out of your comfort zone/safety zone, and feel wonderful(eventually this DOES happen, recovery can take a while before you actually feel empowered and in control of your ED and genuinely happy about it)?
I know it is extremely hard, hard doesn't even cover it, but you CAN do this.
Can you print this out and show it to the professionals in your care?
It may be good for them to know exactly how you are feeling about recovery, and how difficult you are finding it.
Do you have anything you can put on your wall as a reminder about recovery? Pictures, quotes, sayings, things people have said, etc?
Make recovery a positive and happy thing to achieve, as a lot of people find recovery scary, daunting, and maybe having something in place, something you can SEE on your wall, in your bedroom, may help.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down, and distressed, I hope things improve for you soon.
Thanks everyone! I'm blown away by the support shown here. I managed to get back into recovery for a while but keep slipping up. I know that I have so much to gain from recovery, so much to lose if I relapse. But I still really struggle with making the right choices. My ED voice is still so much a part of me I'm in the middle of the action before I realise I could have chosen a better option. I'm back at uni for the year and I want to be able to really study and learn, not just focus on restriction and food and exercise. This disease took nearly all of me last year and is threatening to do the same again.
I have a photo of my little family on the fridge of what we were like before this hit us. I know I can't go back to that exactly, (the kids are 3 years older now), but we can be a happy, carefree, loving family like the one you see there. Not the anxious, just-managing-to-hold-on stress-heads we are now. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?f...type=3&theater
*hugs* lovely- you will get back to that happy family, stronger than ever. I know you will <3. Hold on to that, and to your family. Think of the teacher you will be; the wife and mother you are; all the good things this year will bring. You deserve those good things and you will get them- just hold on
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I think it's great that you recognise how important recovery is. Not just for yourself but your family. So don't beat yourself up about slipping up. Don't give up trying to get better
