I guess things are quite messed up right now more than what they should be, I suppose it's difficult all this illness stuff. I still feel kinda stuck in the fact nothing has really changed, so yeah I made the choice to admit I need help but nothing has really happened. I had to chase them to actually do the cpn referral and I have still heard nothing and nothing about another psychiatrist appointment either. Because they took me off medication and won't do anything until I have another appointment I feel worse because everything is so up and down with me and constantly switching between one mood to another over nothing sometimes. When I had to get more medication for the stuff I'm still on I had to ask the doctors to call them to chase this as I have had enough and I don't have the energy anymore. I'm already starting to feel that lost cause feeling as let's face it the system doesn't care really, your just another statistic at the end of the day.
I can feel bitter about it, but at the end of the day I don't need other people to fix me and I'm not asking anyone to, or to feel they need to control me into making choices I don't want to, I can make my own. I know that I can never be fixed, all I can do is learn to deal with things again, to cope. I suppose it's more difficult as well because I know my past is bad, like some of the stuff I went through was horrible and even I don't know how I'm still alive right now. But then for the last few years it kind of went away and I was free mostly from all of this. Now that it's hit back badly I just want to go back to being free again, I don't actively choose to be like this, but sometimes when I do get into a state that rational side hits in with the why are you doing this and I can't answer that.
I was reading up on the whole bpd thing a bit trying to avoid the stuff that goes on about how we are evil and attention seeking, but I guess I need to try and explain things that I cant. it kinda made sense in the way that someone descibed it as being like poison, you have bpd so you are bad, you are poison. When other people get involved with the illness and you start to open up you contaminate other people with your illness so they become poisoned too. But for other people it gets too much and ultimately you will be rejected for being ill, reinforcing the fact that you are bad. Really at the end of the day everyone around me is responsible for their own mental wellbeing regardless if I'm Ill or not, but I guess because it's been said to me before numerous times that I affect other people I believe that. But even so I understand why people don't want to be around me and I accept that just like I don't want to be round other people half the time but the way people go around it isn't exactly tactful.
it's like in work, I get I have issues and I'm not the happiest person to be around but I thought I could at least read people well enough. I said to someone who was supposedly my friend that I was having anxiety issues as it was clear everything wasn't well anyway but even I was surprised when the reaction was to 'man up and get over it' oh and that I should be signed off as I'm not fit to work and also how can I have these issues when I've done the job for a year. The thing that got me the most though is how someone we both knew apparently quit as they had depression and her reaction was that's different as he has depression he has a reason. Hmm kinda think anxiety is under the whole mental health thing anyway, but no wonder I keep thing hidden eh. I let it pass but even now I've been ignored by her and told the reason was because I wallow in self pity and I got upset at that and I said I'm mentally ill. Even then it was your not fit to be at work and I feel I'm still being treated differently. The one thing I don't understand is when she said I'm being judged for being the way I am but no one will judge me for being ill as no one judges mentally ill people. Hmm been there done that, but does that mean because people don't know what's wrong with me in work I'm being judged? It's like someone else in work said to me I always look sad, that I'm the saddest person in there and if they where that sad they would not come in. It's one of those akward moments where you try and laugh it off and the more they mention it inside your thinking please just drop it. Do I really appear that depressed at work? Ok probably I gave up trying to do the false pretence thing, what's the point.
Most of the time in that place I'm probably not quite there, I get though as long as I can take calls and do my job as far as work is concerned I'm fine. But I guess because everything changed it got difficult and even I can't explain why, all I know is that's the way it is and that's what I need to deal with but I just don't know how. It's probably why all the negative stuff switched over and happend there, like the whole self harming and overdose thing, and I know that I shouldn't be doing it in there and so forth but if I didn't what then? It's not like I didn't try anyway, I tried not cutting but then I didn't have any way to cope so it kicked in with the overdosing, I tried not overdosing but it made the cutting worse. I tried not taking the beta blockers but then I just got too upset over things. Now I just balance it out by cutting and taking more beta blockers than I should because they can kind of knock you out a bit. Everything is too up and down mood wise that if something triggers me or if I just switch into one of the negative ones it's kind of the only way to get out of it, to have some sort of control over your emotions, or that I'm just bad and need to be punished.
I always thought the self harm didn't bother me that much, it's something that's been there for what 12 years now on and off and yeah I know through a lot of experience that it can be stopped and so fourth. But in a work environment it's just not that easy and I guess you need to be in a position to stop as well and right now I'm not, one thing at a time and top of my list is to get medication sorted first. I always thought as well it was one of my better subjects to talk about but apparently not so much anymore. Perhaps because that ones been labeled with the attention seeking too many times, but what if I am? But then no one knows when I do stuff or really that I even so how can it be, everything's hidden.
But I feel like I'm having trouble separating what's false from reality, I doubt myself and my ability in things a lot. It's like when someone argues with me on a call and I know I'm right but as soon as they disagree I think what if I'm wrong, what if im messing this up because really im wrong. It's not even that, sometimes it's just the thoughts that get too much, that all I can hear is how awful I am, how I'm alone, how im just doing all of this for attention and should just shut up and not say a word. Sometimes it gets too much that you need to self harm to try to kill that part a little. I'm just starting to think all of this is way too much now for me to try and keep a grip on, I already know that in work I'm just going to be an issue because my illness is complex and at some point I will just get too much again as usual. It makes me sad though because work used to be the place where I felt somewhat happy and no one knew anything about me being ill, and now it shows I'm being rejected because of it.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
Heyz I hope you feel better now and I managed to convinced my gp that I was OK which I was today but for a while I'm been planning to disappear for a weekend just to get away from things I feels like I have rejected everyone just now
Hugs to all, I'm mentally syphoning good will into your lives as I type :P
It's been a hellishly up and down week for me, my anxiety has risen up and has decided to kick me when I'm down... I've found myself glaring at inanimate objects in my house, as though I can blame them. Such is life.
I'm putting the kettle on, I've had enough of today and so, shall drown it in tea. I'll leave the pot on that little table in the corner, along with some dunkable biscuits, if anyone fancies a cuppa.
- Emily
INTROVERTS UNITE! Occasionally, in small groups, for very limited periods of time...
Yeah I am anxious about it Nicola , she is a locum I met once before as my fegular P Doc retired without telling me , She seems nice but anxiety......plus I don't want to build up a good relationship with her only for her to go...
*Takes Emilys Kettle for Lemsip* Can you dunk in Lemsip?
I'm sorry you two are having it rough too. *Glomps* How is everyone else?
I'm still not comfortable in my skin and the anasthetic's slowly wearing thin - Otep
Everyones lost but me! - Indiana Jones
It's okay , they know me here .
Kahlia1981 is my adopted little sister :)
''Courage doesn't always roar , sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow"
love life
