So in the near future, I might become a real adult
So, I'm 27 years old. I went to college and graduated with a useless degree, wandered around for awhile, and then decided I was going to pharmacy school. For 3 years, I've been working on prerequisites, and I applied to schools and got interviews at every one I applied to. I'm apparently "highly qualified" with my grades and test scores. I just had my first interview;it went well and it looks like I might actually get into a school.
Now, let's be clear. I am not an adult. I'm unemployed, I've never lived on my own (been living with my sister since I was 18; various states of employment since 2005). I'm kind of a drug addict, and I've been self-harming since I was 10 or so, somewhere in there. I struggle with an undiagnosed mood disorder and probably several personality defects. My life is a mess with a very thin veneer of success over it so no one notices.
I have no business pretending to be an adult. I'm freaking out because if I get into a school, I'm going to need to move, to get my own place, to live alone and take care of myself. I don't know if I can.
I have literally no support network; I take great pains to conceal all my defects from the people around me.
I have this urge to just throw it all away. Go on a binge, slash my arms up, admit to the world that I am not capable of functioning in an adult role. I mean, I'm going to fail eventually anyway, so I might as well preempt it, right? It'll be easier now.
I don't really know what to say, but for me, I moved out of home when I was 17 which is a long time ago now, I've worked for the family business since, and I've spent 6 years failing at a bachelor's degree, not finished it yet. I feel the same as you do which is "My life is a mess with a very thin veneer of success over it so no one notices" but I think that you and I have both managed to achieve a lot of things, although they're different for both of us.
I think you need to focus on the stuff you have managed to do; you've got a degree, you've been told you're highly qualified, you've had jobs, that's all good stuff. You have some things missing, mainly a support network that would give you the confidence to take on more responsibility, but you've managed to do a lot of stuff even without it which is a really good start.
I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Of course this is a scary new step you're looking at taking, and it's not supposed to be easy, but you are clearly a capable and intelligent person. If you can be kind to yourself and prioritise your self-care when/if you move away from home, then I think you'd be okay. If you moved out and made your first priority to build a support network of therapist/doctor/etc. and then continued through your education while making sure that your health was your priority, then I think you'd do well. Do you think that might be possible?
Self-care has never been a priority for me, so I'm not really sure where to even start on that front. In my family, mental illness is still really stigmatized, so I don't have a therapist or access to meds, even though I don't live with my parents. I live with my sister and her husband, and it would eventually get back to my family. I'm working on getting up the courage to talk to a doctor, but I don't have a support network so I don't want to step too far out of my comfort zone.
Moving away might help; being away from the toxic people in my life will give me the opportunity to try to reach out help. I'm just worried I'm going to crash and burn before I make it that far. I've been accepted to a program, so it's a definite thing that I'm going. I don't feel ready at all.
