My husband is best friends with his ex girlfriend?

[wishing2remainanonymous]

I was a virgin when I met my husband, but he had had "relations" with 4 other girls, one of which he dated for over 2 years. He is still very good friends with this girl. She was a "groomsman" in our wedding, which I didn't have a problem with because I didn't realize how close they still were. A few months after we got married he left his Facebook up and a message popped up from her. I being nosy and stupid read through some messages. They had been making fun of me and he was complaining about me. Now I understand that marriage is tough, and we live in a basement apartment so there isn't really anywhere to go to get away from one another, so I don't really blame him for getting frustrated with anything. My issue is that he was talking about his problems with me with her. I just don't think it was appropriate at all. I told him what I did and he got super mad, but acknowledged that I was right. I know reading his private messages was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. Fast forward to this past week. He had gone for a while where he didn't talk to this girl like at all and when we travelled back to his home we never hung out with her. Well he has been talking to her/about her more and more so this past Thursday while he was in the shower, I once again read his messages. This time on his cell phone. Please don't lecture me, I realize how wrong this is. I know and I feel terrible. I'm just so insecure about her. So I read back pretty far. They talked about how they want to go on a trip together, camping or something, but know they can't because, in my husband's words, I would get jealous. I'm sorry, what? I'd get jealous of my husband going camping alone with his best friend/exgirlfriend/ex lover? No. I'd be pissed because that is so highly inappropriate. Really? Anyways. Moving on, they kept talking about how much they miss each other and how they wish they could hang out by themselves without me when we see her. He said it would be nice to "have a night away from me" so they could hang out at the bar they always went to that he refuses to take me to when we are back home because he "hates it." I haven't said anything to him yet, but I am very upset. I just feel so hurt and betrayed. Am I wrong for being so upset? Is his relationship with her normal and thus something I should accept? I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing. Please anyone who has any advice, or similar situations, please please tell me. I'm lost here.

[Iamcatbug]

To me this does read a bit as jealousy as opposed to angry. If his best friend was male would you be feeling these emotions?

Everyone needs someone to vent too from time to time and to me it sounds like she is that person for him. You say you live in a small space so he may feel his emotions and thoughts are irrational and he doesn't want to take them out on you.

Have you tried to get to know her yourself? You never know you may get to know her quite well and form a good friendship with her.

[The One Who]

I have been on the other end of this sort of emotion, and in all honesty you are coming across as jealous. Your trust issues are your own, and you need to work through those with your husband. If you try to stop him from being friends with this woman you will drive a wedge in the relationship which can only lead to bitterness and anger on his side.

[ParanormalChickenGeek]

I agree with the above- trying to stop him being friends with her will cause more trouble than good, I've been in that situation and it ended with him still seeing her but lying to me, it ultimately became an awful relationship with so much jealousy and absolutely no trust, it broke the relationship completely!
However- I do think your husband is being disrespectful by talking to her about you in that way. I too would feel hurt and betrayed in your situation.
I think the only option is to be honest with your husband about your feelings, any decent man would try to reassure you and respect your feelings. It may also help you to remember that she is his EX partner, they split up for a reason and he married you for a reason. I hope you manage to work things out. X

[Morpheus]

These are trust issues between you and your husband and essentially has nothing to do with her. The moment you feel the need to read each others messages etc. There is an issue relationships are build on trust and doing that breaks the trust. You also have a right to privacy in a relationship abd ventibg to someone isnt always s vad tjing, even an ex as that may alliw you to get thw anger and frustrations out and then be able to bring up the problems in a constructive manner. It can also help telling spmeone so they can make you aware og different ways to look at the situation. I have a male friend whom i often talk things through and he helps me figure out if what i feel is irrational or justified and sometimes getting it out to someone outside is enough to really make the fristration go away or otherwise help me find out if it comes from other things rather than how he puts the roll of toilet paper on the wrong way or something else equally silly. I find it helps our relationship to have someone to talk to, to realise im being silly or unfair as not everything that annoys me will be brought up as a problem to discuss and solve.

You say you know reading his messages is wrong yet you kinda justify it as "just couldnt help myself" im sorry to say, but yes you could. Your actions is your responsibility and when you became insecure you did it again, in spite of knowing it was wrong. If you dont trust your husband enough not to do this you have a problem in your relationship. And you need to work and discuss that.

I was in a relationship where it vecame "normal" to read everything the other wrote to their friends etc. It was a very controlling, abusive etc relationship and he lied about everything and read everything private i wrote. He also wrote to another woman how he was going to break up with me to ve with her, marry her, called her and wrote her behind my back and lied about it. He was allowed to hive his phone number to women when going out where i was not even allowed to talk to a man. I wasnt allowed to go on the internet without him watching me. By the end i couldnt do anything without his permission, have friends because he was jealous of even my female friends and i wasnt allowed to talk to my family without him listening. He even showed up unannounced to check on me the few times i went out with friends and stayed home from school if a girlfriend or my sistee came over. Even my diary i used to write my thoughts in for myself was no longer private. He also made me jealous with all hos lies which was something i didnt like in myself at all and wasnt when i entered the relationship. However he admitted to making an effort to make me jealous as in his screwed up world, if i wasnt jealous i didnt live him. However when i became jealous after him causing it purposely, he blamed me for it. It was absolutely horrible to be in and you dont wanba go there. It also quickly turned very violent and has left me with ptsd.

The relationships ive been in since there have been no jealousy or need to read each others messages though no trying to hide things either. My boyfriend gladly lends me his phone or the other way around and he hands me it to show things in fb and trusts i dont snoop which i dont and feel no need to. Sometimes i have insecurites but thats due to low self esteem and is solved by him reassuring me which he gladly does.

So for me, when i read how you do this, it sets off alarm bells cause it is an indicator that spmething i really off about trust. Also putting up limitations for each other in yoyr marriage isnt really a good thing either. You will end up bitter for all the tjings you are not allowed to do.

To me it seems quite jealoys too. Yes he let some steam out to this girl but he hasnt really lied to you at all. And he may say he wants ti go camping alone with her and sometimes think it could be nice. That diesnt mean he has any intentions if doing so though. People day dream together all the time and it might as well be a need to get away from everything (including you) for a bit and her being his best friend, its natural for him to feel the need to do so with her. Also, just because he feels the need to see her without you on a bar for example, doesnt mean he has any intentions of cheating or having romantic feelings for her. Dont you ever feel the need to see your friends without your husband around? I think you are putting far too much into her being his ex if you saw her only as being his best friend (which it seems like is the only way he sees her) you would probably feel different.

Tbh i think the problem is mainly in you and your jealousy. You need to stop reading his messages. You CAN help it. Ypu are responsible of your actions. You chose to do it again. I think you really need to start communicating. Tell him your insecurities without blaming him and eirhout expecting him to end contact with her. He isnt cheating or lying, seems like the main thing you essentially blame him for is the fact that his best friend is his ex. But as they are no more than that it is irrational feelings for you to have. If you dont like the way he talks about you then focus on that rather than her. Simply say youd like him to be more respectful in the way he talks of you. That doesnt have anything to do with her either. He was likely to talk the same way, had his friend been male. Its as if her being his ex, makes things far worse and things ypu normally wouldnt be bothered about unacceptable.

My current boyfriend still talks to former lovers and i have no issue with it at all. I trust he wants to be with me and if i or he feel insecure we talk about it. But it is a feeling from within, not caused by anything the other does and should be dealt with as that. Not by him or i, demanding not to talk to certain people in their lives.

You are going down a slippery slope it seems and you need ti take responsibility for what you have done and communicate deal with it. But not by setting up limitations on each other.

[Amaranth]

He does seem to be being quite disrespectful in the way he is talking about you to this woman, I do think it's one thing to complain about your niggles with your wife to a male friend (or even a female friend who's only ever been platonic) but quite another to do that to an ex girlfriend.
To some extent I have been on the other side of this - I am still very good friends with an ex boyfriend, and when he got a new girlfriend he would sometimes complain about things she did or say and it felt odd for him to be doing that with me so I'd try to defend her as far as possible. He also talked about us going on a trip as we'd been talking about it before they got together, but I said it wouldn't be fair on her and didn't think it would be appropriate anymore for us to go away.
That being said, it is completely possible for two people who used to be a couple to become nothing but friends with no leftover romantic feelings.
I think you need to talk to your husband about your insecurities as it is not doing you or your relationship any favours.
I know how painful jealousy can be so I really hope you're able to sort this out.

[Guest Visitor]

I have been in your exact situation, except for that he actually would hang out with her while I was working, in private. Trust your intuition - you thought something was off, and it obviously is. Google "emotional cheating."

A few years after confronting him on this and demanding that relationship be terminated immediately, he admitted that she was trying to split us up, and that he had feelings for her. I'd like to think we've come a long way since then... he has female friends, I have male friends, and we don't read each others' messages. But if I ever had that nagging suspicion again, I would definitely investigate.

I know this hurts so much... but it will only hurt more if you don't put an end to this now. You're his wife, the woman he chose to start a family with. She's an ex. The math should be simple for him.

[Dragon Fly]

Sorry but that is so wrong on his part, that is totally unacceptable in a marriage, he quite obviously still has feelings for this girl! And I'd be telling him to cut all contact or you're out of there. I don't care if he needs to vent, he could speak to his mum, male friend or a councillor, I definitely think that speaking with other "girls" about marriage problems is a big no no and is just tempting yourself for infidelity. Stand up for yourself, what he is doing is unacceptable.