I don't know what to do all my life I've known its wrong this feeling I have and what I've done and I'm going to get found out and I'm evil and dirty and poisonous and guilty I'm going to be exposed locked up I'm so scared I don't know how to cope I will have to end it all if I say anything.
Just started therapy my P doc says I can't move on until I face what I've done this terrible 'secret' that makes me believe I am bad he thinks if I talk about it I'll realise its okay but all it will do is confirm what I know then other people will know and I'll get in trouble its all going to come out I can't cope.
I need help my friend says I'm not well but my feelings are real all the same and I know what's real and who I am and what's inside of me all the evil the viciousness I can't even begin to get close to it I'm so scared. And how can I start my other therapy at sexual assault referral place playing the victim when I'm poison I probably made him do it there's evil in me there's something wrong with me I deserve the pain I don't deserve help for this when at the same time I'm covering what's real and its such a mess too much I just can't cope.
It sounds as though you are struggling with some very big, scary thoughts and emotions right now. With regards to talking about the things that you think make you poisonous or a bad a person, perhaps discussing it somewhere anonymously such as on here, or with the Samaritans might constructive as you could kind of test the waters so to speak, with people who don't know you and whose opinion might cause a less emotional response within you than that of those around you who you care about. Another thing to hold onto is that the people who believe they are bad or 'poisonous' very rarely are, in fact often I have found in life that the people most inclined to beat themselves up and who think badly of themselves are the people who in fact least deserve to.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
Thank you. I wish that were true and that I really was a nice person who can't see it, but I know for certain I'm not.
I'm terrified I wish this would all go away. Even if I write it out on here that means its evidence it will all come and out and I'll be sent away and I can't cope.
I don't know what to do I feel so unsafe I am really upset I can't stop thinking about it all I saw the Doctor who says after therapy it will all be okay cos I will have dealt with it but it wont cos I will be exposed and people will know how evil and dirty I am I feel trapped into talking everyone says its the only thing I can do and need to do it so I can start to get better. I'll never get better if this doesn't go away. I'm so scared I will have to kill myself if I talk so either way its all going to go wrong. What am I meant to do? I wanted to stay at my friends house cos I am so unsafe I don't want to its very risky and I'll be letting people and myself down but my friend pointed out its not fair of me to stay with her and I feel awful I feel totally alone with this but can't let anyone in. I am terrified of what I'm going to do to myself I need help.
Why do u think this is ur fault? You didnt do anything. This person did this to u and u didnt with them. They topo advantage and didnt consider ur feelings so they are the evil ones not u.
Im glad ur seeing a counseller. Thats really good to know. I hope u can try and talk to her about how ur feeling cuz it sounds like to me that they will understand as they know what u been through as u mentioned.
Dont feel like any of this is ur fault. It clearly isnt so u shouldnt have to feel the way u do right now. Just going to ur sessions and be the person u wanna be and dont let this person effect ur life.
I know that wasn't my fault its whats happened in the past that I've done wrong and maybe because of who I am that's why the assault happened either I made it or deserved it I'm so confused I can't do this I wish I wasn't here.
That still dont mean u brought this on for urself. Its people like them who did and not u. Still no right to do that to a human being.
I know that u are upset and thought u deserved it but really didnt and everyone on here has said it. I dont know why u think that. Have u thought about seeing a counseller? You can talk to someone about how ur feeling.
I am so scared. Too scared to say anything. My friend says were not getting anywhere she tries to understand but she can't cos I can't tell her any of it. I've been trying to think, and I know its not against the law, thoughts are okay (?) if they're not acted on, comments and possible signs of acting on the thoughts at 5 years old can't get me locked up - I think - its all the people that I've affected that will come forward and the shame it will hurt so much and I'll have to kill myself as I can't face the truth.
I'm feeling so awful I've remembered something I did - unrelated - when I was a teenager and it IS wrong, I hurt someone, I can't remember the exact circumstances but I know it was wrong and I think I did at the time and I was being childish and maybe seeking attention (?) and that person could report me and this is making me feel worse because yes I am guilty, like all the other stuff, I can't argue with myself and talk my way out it this is the truth and it really hurts me.
Do u think they would go to the police again? If it's been a long time ago and nothing was done about it and u were punished then I don't see why ur friend will keep bringing it up but if she wants to go back to them then it's up to the police what they do. They wont do anything if the problem has been dealt with.
Why does this friend have such a gurge on u? Is it this friend was good friends with the friend u attacked? I'm only using this word cuz it sounds like u may of attacked them but I don't know.
I know what u did at the time was easily persuaded as doing wrong but u made a big mistake and u know now and u got punished. You won't do it again and if u did u will have to live with my the consequences but I know u won't.
Try not to worry. As I said, if u havent been reported if she's threating to then I wouldn't worry but if she does then the police will have to decide. Don't worry about it if u can. I know u said the police understood before and u got away with it. Is there anyone u can talk to?
What you did as a small child. Especially the age of 5 will not get you in trouble. Thoughts that aren't acted on also won't get you in trouble and I feel that talking about these thoughts although really hard and scary might be beneficial.
I don't know what you may have done as a teenager but if it was a fight or something similar the likelihood is the police won't care. As long as people aren't seriously hurt and you don't have previous.
Teenagers do stupid things and make mistakes. It is a part of life. Sometimes something that you feel is really bad grows in your head and it feels really really
Bad. Plant a seed and it grows.
Anyway I think you should talk about it. I know it will be hard and I respect that and I get that you are scared and think you might get in trouble but carrying this burden around with you isn't going to do you any favours either.
Stay safe x
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
Thank you. I agree that I need to talk to move on, but I am so ashamed and know that people will see me differently and see the evil in me and if I tell one person it will then be 'out' and I can no longer pretend its all okay.
With what I did as a teenager, it was something in my opinion minor, but I fear that the other person could get me into trouble over it and again it would alter how people see me.
I understand that things snowball and get out of control, sometimes I hope that this is whats happening, but I know truly that actually this is just all so, so wrong.
I want to forget I want to run away be a different person I feel like people can see the evil in me like everything I say or the way I act people know what I'm hiding they can see right through how can they not when I'm so dirty that it shows I can't hide behind myself. Cut me open and the evil will infect everyone.
Running away won't help. You sadly can't run away from yourself and your thoughts. I am wondering if you could call a confidential helpline like the samaratines? They can't trace you or break confidentiality. Maybe just to 'test the water' and see how you feel afterwards? At least then you get to tell someone?
If you feel it was minor, the likelihood is you won't get into trouble over it. It is a lot of work (and money) for the police to do historical investigations. It is unlikely to happen, Although I am not a police officer or anything to do with the law so am not 100% sure.
You are not evil. Thoughts are thoughts. Seriously a lot of people have bad thoughts that maybe include hurting people in some way and so on. Like I said, if you aren't acting on them then it is ok and not evil.
I really do think you need to say something to someone. Even if you make a separate RYL account? I know some people do that.
And then people won't see you differently because they won't know it is you.
Are you afraid that once you say whatever it is you are admitting it to yourself/that you won't be able to hide behind it anymore?
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
Yes, it will expose me. I will be seen as evil, dirty, frightening, not to be trusted, people will be wary of me, not want to say things to me or be around me. People will start thinking of how I've been with them or what I've said, and start realising what I've been like all along.
I am so scared that this is real and I am bad I know in my heart its true but my friend says I'm not and I want to cling to that I so want her to be right. If only she knew.
I was thinking about using an anonymous service but I'm terrified that if I talk then more and more will come up and I'll remember all sorts of bad things that I've done and I can't cope hating myself any more than I do already.
The other thing that I did, maybe I could say that on here, I know I will be judged and seen differently but I have to start dealing with the fact that I am evil and poisonous and this will never go away will it I am so scared I don't want to be here anymore I don't want to be me I can't do this I really hate myself to the core I see things so deep and they're seeping out everyone's going to hate me I'll have nothing left I already know I'm nothing but now everyone will believe me and no one will come to my funeral it will just be like a relief for everyone that I'm evil but I'll still be contaminating the world even in death even hell wouldn't want me.
My friend says I'm being irrational. She believes I am having misplaced guilt and 'covering' for someone else. Oh how I wish this was the case. Its me it's all me I am the bad one I am evil toxic disgusting I deserve any pain I get I can't do this why I am even seeking support I can't I don't deserve it I have no right to be unhappy when its all my fault I am so angry at myself why am I alive if people knew the truth I would have no one in my life and I would be the hated one, the one with hate words sprayed on my door and my car smashed up and people will taunt me and bully me and its all I deserve so why am so scared to let it happen? I am just being selfish hiding behind 'nice loving polite Gemma' I should be facing up to the fact that I am nothing and don't belong here, in anyones life, I deserve to burn and rot and be forgotten, but I won't be, I'll be poisoning lives for as long as everyone that's heard of me lives. I am toxic. Totally evil penetrating silently into every single person I make contact with. Even eye contact, online, the phone, even thoughts. I don't deserve love, compassion, prayer, remorse, I don't deserve to be grieved for or remembered. I am haunting the world and will do so forever I am never going to go away no one will ever escape me I hate this I am terrified at the thought of this getting any worse I want this stopped contained destroyed but instead this is just destroying everything and everyone around me. I can never escape myself. The pain of living like this is beginning to not be enough punishment. I need to kill myself in the hope it might bring some closure. But even that will leave a toxic mess that will be lingering for years and years and all those poor people that will have to clear up after selfish evil me. What do I do I will suffer like this forever whatever happens I will always be pure poison. There is something wrong with me. Evil is in me and there's nothing I can do to destroy it, only destroy myself. At least then I will have tried to say sorry.
I'm scared of myself really need some support. My friend says I'm nice, kind, caring etc and it hurts because he's not right and it will hurt him so much when he realises how much of his life he's wasted on me.
I really want to talk to my friend she's busy tonight and has been very busy and I need her but even if we do talk she's fed up cos we don't get anywhere I guess she's wasting her breath trying to get me to think differently. She thought I could be something once. I never change I will NEVER be anything.
One comment, and seeing one thing, really really triggered me yesterday and I'm trying to not think about it but with my first counselling session at Sexual Assualt place tomorrow my head's all over the place and its all gone wrong I hate it I never want to be able to do anything or think anything again. So stupid. Such innocent things twisted, either in my own dirty mind, or because of whats happened to me, or what I've done, its all a mess why am I like this?
I'm scared that I am going to cut and I don't know how far I will go. I dissociate and can't open my mouth to speak I want to scream help me but I just quietly accept that I have to go home, cope, be okay. I can see it all falling apart around me I can't stop it I need some help I need someone to step in and just hold me. But I hate it don't touch me I don't want it I can't do this I don't want to live.
It's really good that u get to see someone tomorrow for a consultantation. I'm pleased that u can atleast talk to someone how ur feeling even if u really wanted ur friend or ur ex partner to talk to u.
Please to feel embarrassed or ashamed. I know they just wanna check u out to see if there's anything they can do in order to get the support u need. You are very brave in going tomorrow so I'm so pleased that u are.
What is the one thing u would like to get out of this consultantation tomorrow? What would benefit u in order to carry on with ur life as plamned? Please let me know as I would like to try and help in someway as possible.
Dont beat urself up. You never brought this on urself and so far u have been good to get some on going advice from others which is what ur ex aimed to do, ur best friend and others on RYL.
You still can be something.
I doubt your friend thinks she is wasting her breath. She clearly loves and care about you.
Try and hold on to what she is saying. Even if you were evil, there is still good. No one is 110% evil. I truly believe that. I also know people forgive.
I spent a long time in my late teens feeling very similar to you. My sister was ill and I was so sure I was the cause. I went over everything in my head over and over. My mind made up scenarios that didn't even happen. It was scary. I hated myself and was terrified that I had hurt her and everyone would hate me. Turned out nothing happened and she was just ill.
I can understand you being scared incase other things came up but if it is facilitated with your counsellor then would that be ok?
Have you had counselling before?
It isn't your fault.
Could you write down what you would tell your friend right now if you could talk to her. Maybe on paper or an online journal/rant thread?
Please try and stay safe/damage limitation. Even go to a&e if you are scared and going to struggle to stay safe.
Good luck with the appointment tomorrow as well xx
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
My apt went okay although I'm not sure what the point of it is really. I don't want to keep talking about the assault again and again. I think we're going to look at my issues with sex and relationships and how I see myself. Might be difficult if this is covered in my other therapy.
I am not feeling safe. Its been a long day already I'm tired but also scared because I need to talk to my friend but she was up early too and has had a long day and when she gets home she'll be too tired to catch up. I don't know what to do I hate that I'm so selfish I hate that I rely on my friend so much I was reading about BPD again and it seriously upsets me cos I see exactly how I am and how it must affect everyone. My poor friend has been so patient with me when this must be so difficult. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. I want this all to be over. Its getting out of control I don't think I can last much longer I need to damage myself so badly if I can just see some sort of punishment, I deserve to be really hurt I am so evil everything I do is wrong. I make everything revolve around me I hate myself so much.
At least the police aren't coming the therapist thought I was a risk but her supervisor just said I need to contact my GP. Part of me wishes someone would do something but oh my gosh it would ruin everything if anything happened like that, I NEED this contained I can't cope with this its all getting out of control.
Some times for a little while I forget what I am and what I've done and then it hits me and I get upset and it won't leave me alone I don't want to deal with this I want everything to go away I need to damage myself I want to rip myself to shreds I am so very disappointed in myself I am NOTHING I can't breathe this has to stop I don't know what to do.
I'm really scared about the rest of the day, I'm tired, but I cannot face being here all evening just 'being okay' I need to get this out of me I need to scream I need to cut all the badness out I want to burn myself inside and cremate the evil I want these thoughts to stop I want to go I can't deal with this anymore. Please help me I am not safe I don't know what to do.
Im pleased that the meeting went ok and u told us and how it went. So well done for getting back to us. Its good to know that ur not scared in putting ur feelings out there and being honest with urself with everything u said. Not many people cant open up that well with things they are going through or have so Im pleased u can trust us. Thank You :)
Yh it has been a long day for u. You have done so well in going to that meeting and going through ways which can help u move forward for the better for urself and others around u. I know u care so much about ur friend and i know she cares about u two. We all do care about on on here aswell :)
There anything what u would like to do tonight what will help u put ur thoughts to one side? Maybe having a hot bath, watching dvds and popcorn, asking ur friend to come round, tidying up or doing some cleaning? Anything u would like to do
What u up to tomorrow? You got anything planed which will keep u busy in the day? Thats the most important thing to do is keep urself busy if u can.
Why would of police come to urs? Im glad they havent as ur already feeling anxious about everything already so dont want u to make u feel more worse. Its a good thing that u got to see ur therapist. Maybe thats why they didnt come round but they should really go by u first.
Your doing really well though. Your getting there and it will take time but u will get there when things will start looking up. I know it will. Try not to worry cuz u maybe feeling bad now but u need to look at whats happening now were ur making improvement.
If u feel like ur gonna do anything stupid then please get in contact with ur therapist or ring the Crisis Helpline as u will get someone to speak to u. Please talk to someone if u can and dont do anything stupid.
