Trouble coping with my disorder..

[LozzyGirl]

Hello. I used to be a quite active member of this community, and have decided to come back here as I remember how supportive everyone was, and how helpful. So I'm hoping people don't mind me coming here for support once again.

Just a quick run-down. I'm 20 years old and suffer from depression, anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder is highly suspected but not confirmed. At my next appointment I'm going to be asking if it's possible for me to get confirmation as it seems to have just been hanging in the air now for about 4 years.

Now here's where I'm struggling.
I have been with my current boyfriend for nearly a year. Today I was supposed to go round to stay at his as I normally do on a Monday night. I text him asking if I was going round to his tonight, as I always do, and he said no. At first I thought there was a possibility of him joking as he often does this, and he wasn't giving me a reason as to why, he simply said 'because' when I asked why he didn't want me to go round.
I phoned him to make sure he was okay as I was worried about him (He suffers from what I believe to be untreated depression. I'm not even sure if he's ever been diagnosed, but I've suffered from depression for seven years, and it seems like depression to me) he assured me everything was ok, he just didn't want me to go round.
Now I am really confused about this. He's never done this before. Especially not last minute. Now I struggle to cope with last minute change to plans as it is. But now my heads going mental. I keep thinking things along the lines of 'He doesn't wanna be with me anymore' and the like. Now I know this isn't true as at the end of the phone call he said 'I love you, you know.' But I can't help thinking this.
How can I deal with such feeling when I know full well they they're illogical?

[Wonderland.]

Sorry for the late reply.

Hopefully I can help somewhat.

He could have just been having an off day (as we all have sometimes) and being a man he may not want to admit he's not feeling so fly. He may just have needed some space that evening to look after his own wellbeing.

I know this night has now passed. How are you both doing now?

[tiptoes]

When I am having issues with thoughts I know are illogical I try to write down all the evidence that these thoughts that are illogical sometimes it's good to see it all down on paper.

How are you getting on? Have you spoken to him since?

[LozzyGirl]

Thanks for the replies guys.
I found out the reason for him not wanting me round.
We went for a drink and he explained to me that he's trying to stay off weed (Marijuana). He used to use it on a daily basis (I had no issue with it as he'd explain before how he didn't feel ready to stop, and it didn't seem to effect his well-being in any very concerning way)
But recently he's decided to come off of it. And I am very proud of him for it. I've not seen him have any in around 2-3 weeks. It must be terribly hard for him as his dad (Who he lives with) uses it on a daily basis. But all he's smoking now is normal cigarettes and I can't fault him for that as I smoke also.
I'm still struggling a bit with thoughts that he doesn't like me anymore, that he doesn't want to be with me. At these times I try to hold on to the moment where he says he loves me, and how wonderful he thinks I am (I don't agree, but I guess in this situation my opinion of myself doesn't really matter, he's the one who has to put up with me, so if he thinks I'm wonderful, well. It's his choice)
I'm not used to being in a serious relationship. Or a long term one really. Would you count nearly a year as long term?
I've only had two relationships before this one. One lasted a week and the other lasted a month. I always get bored with being with someone. But with my current boyfriend.. It's like I keep waiting for me to get bored. But it doesn't happen. He makes me happy. Yeah, he annoys the hell out of me half the time, and I annoy him. But.. we seem to make each other happy.
We've even had talk of kids 'one day', that day being far in the future as the idea of having kids terrifies me as I've had bad experiences with Social Services before with them not letting my parents who I was living with at the time have guardianship of my cousin because of me. They said they thought I was too emotionally and mentally unstable to help care for a child (As I'd be looking after her while my mum and dad were at work) I disagreed with them. My mental health has never effected the way I am with kids. I used to look after my cousins kids on a regular basis and had no trouble with it.

Urgh. Sorry for the long post. I guess I just keep so much inside right now. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about my thoughts and feelings as I'm scared they'll leave me. Me and a friend were talking about the similarities between BPD and Bipolar the other day (As she is studying Psychology at Uni and I have a great interest in it) And my boyfriend was there listening but not really talking much. And I wanted her to stop talking about BPD as I've told my boyfriend that that's what I'm suspected to have, but I'm terrified that if he finds out more about the disorder that he'll leave me out of fear that I'll get really bad.
I just want people to know as little about what's wrong with me as possible so they don't leave me because of it.