Revision quiz = good reason for severe self harm.

[Steel Maiden]

I found out this evening that I have a revision quiz to take online, at home, tomorrow, for uni. It won't count towards my final mark.

But my tutor and my lecturer will see the mark.

If / when I get a really bad mark, I will have to either end my life or self harm severely.

Everyone will be gossiping behind my back "oh she is so dumb, look at her mark, it's complete crap that she's clever if she got this mark".

I had a meltdown / panic attack this evening and I can't stop shaking.

This quiz is compulsory.

I am petrified of taking it and will probably end up in A&E afterwards.

I am not allowed to get bad marks.

[Steel Maiden]

I know it!! I'm the victim of a cruel brain experiment! Those bastards!!!!

[tiptoes]

I understand this must be very hard for you right and that is ok.

Have you calmed down any since you had your panic attack and meltdown? Do you have any skills you can call upon to help you stay calmer?

Would it help to put this situation into perspective a little?
You have a test.
You get to do it at home - could you make yourself feel safe and comfortable in your room before you start?
You have time to read over some notes before you take the test - or may be even during??
You are clever, you could do well on the test
If you do well or you do badly your tutor and course leader will not be allowed to discuss your mark - if they are anything like the tutors at my uni they probably won't even register who got what mark.

Do you have any strategies for staying safe after the test? Could you plan something you would enjoy for after the test?

It can be ok.

[JusC]

Don't think of the bad when it hasn't even come along yet. You shouldn't think. It's likely u would fail if u have a negative attitude. It's all about making the most of it which I think u seem to do well. You want to do well and u will if u believe in urself like that.

It won't be the end of the world if u dont get a good enough grade for anyone reason. Some people may do really well in classes but not in exams. Thats true to think that. Maybe u may good at exams or u may not but that dont say u arnt good enough cuz ur not good at that but ur good at this.

I'm sure ur be fine if u keep ur nerves under control by taking a few deep breaths, keep hydrated, staying postive and keeping focused. This will help u for ur exam when u sit down and take it.

Take Care x

[sherlock holmes]

You don't need to put yourself under so much pressure to achieve top marks Oly. You're clever, but that doesn't mean you must get amazing grades to prove it. No-one will think badly of you if you get a mark you don't think is good! By all means try your best but don't stress yourself out so much thinking you need to be perfect at studying. And certainly you don't need to self harm severely if you get a mark that's less than you were hoping for. It wont achieve anything beyond making you feel physically unwell and have pain.

Can you talk to anyone about how you feel? Get some perspective maybe. You don't need to punish yourself like this, and make yourself more stressed when it's not needed!

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks all.

I am trying to be logical today but I keep worrying that my tutor and lecturer etc are gossiping about how dumb I am behind my back.

It seems these days that at uni, your intelligence is measured by your marks. I am intelligent, but not uner pressure. Under pressure I go mad.

Last night I was ready to do something horrendous to mysef (won't describe it here as it might be triggering to some) but my olanzapine kicked in and I managed to sleep in the end.

I will try to not base myself too much on my marks. I am just scared of the gossiping that is going on.

One of my support workers will be coming to my house today, I'll ask him if he can be present while I take the quiz so that I don't hurt myself afterwards.

If I break down just at a revision quiz, I am really wondering if I will cope with the end of term test, or even the exam.

I have difficulties with biochemistry, I keep forgetting bits and having to remind myself.

I am hoping that my tutor and lecturer won't see my mark so that they won't gossip. But I think that my tutor will be checking it as he is making sure I do all the quizzes and tests this year.

I was up until 23:30 last night reading my notes. Now I get up early and I am going to attempt to read more.

I just worry that the more I study, the higher the mark I should get, and that if I do really badly, it means that I'm too stupid to respond to studying.

Really, the only reason I haven't committed suicide yet is because I am clever. When there is evidence to the contrary, I start considering suicide.

But really, will people think I'm clever still if I get 30% in the quiz?

I can understand you saying self-punishment is bad, but the voices tell me I deserve all of it.

I will try to revise calmly today and I will ask my support worker to supervise me to keep me safe.

[Steel Maiden]

I am brain damaged from chronic stress. It has reduced my IQ. I cannot live with a reduced IQ. My (past) intelligence is the only thing I live for.

[Snow White.]

IQ is a pretty stable thing, especially your high IQ, is unlikely to have been permanently impacted by stress.

And one test result doesn't correlate to your IQ, either. Especially as it is in just one area. I know it seems like that is the only way uni recognises intelligence, but you know otherwise.

Please try and keep safe Oly, I know it's difficult but it isn't worth harming yourself over, ultimately that will only create more problems for you.

[ennae]

I'm not a uni tutor but I am a teacher and I have never thought that a student isn't clever because of the results of one test. In fact all teachers I've talked to continually complain that one test is NOT an accurate way to assess people. There are so many variables such as people having a bad day, being sick, tired etc. Added to that if I had a student who did very poorly I would be worried about them not making fun of them. I am far more likely to blame myself for not being a good enough teacher than blaming - especially if I knew they were clever but not performing in my classes. I hope this helps because really teachers/tutors WANT people to do well and really care about their students - that is why we work in education :)

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks.

I'll try to calm down and then I will think logically. I just heard that chronic stress can cause hippocampal atrophy, and well my life has been stress from the day I was born.

You are right though, even if I did have hippocampal atrophy, IQ isn't going to drop by 30 points or something, unless I have traumatic brain injury or similar.

Uni is not my preferred style of learning tbh but I don't have much choice. I'd be a disappointment to my family if I didn't go, and so many people are trying extremely hard to keep me in uni so I can't quit. My best style of learning is to be given a textbook, a computer and the internet, and to be left alone to learn it in my own time, with breaks every couple of hours. I taught myself all of A-level maths in just over a month before I started it at school, using that method.

I will try my best not to self-harm again (I bruised myself from a meltdown but that wasn't intentional).

I still fear that the lecturers etc at uni are gossiping about me. And now the voices are convincing me that the Spies are doing experiments on my brain. I know that is not logical but I feel myself slipping from reality again.

[Steel Maiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ennae

I'm not a uni tutor but I am a teacher and I have never thought that a student isn't clever because of the results of one test. In fact all teachers I've talked to continually complain that one test is NOT an accurate way to assess people. There are so many variables such as people having a bad day, being sick, tired etc. Added to that if I had a student who did very poorly I would be worried about them not making fun of them. I am far more likely to blame myself for not being a good enough teacher than blaming - especially if I knew they were clever but not performing in my classes. I hope this helps because really teachers/tutors WANT people to do well and really care about their students - that is why we work in education :)

Sorry posted simultaneously as you posted.

That is a good point. Thanks. Although my tutor is a total git so I dread to think of what he thinks of me. The biochemistry lecturer is really kind though so I am sure she will think like you.

Just my tutor that is starting the insults.

[Steel Maiden]

The lecturers are in my house. I can hear them gossiping and laughing about me, very clearly. I'm trying to study but I can hear them so much.

[Snow White.]

Oly that sounds really difficult :(
Would anything help to reassure you that they are not there? Looking around and then maybe putting in headphones or anything? I'm not sure what to suggest.

Yes, chronic stress is not good for some parts of the brain, but as you say it won't significantly reduce your IQ and it's likely to not be so severe at this point any way, even though you've lived with it for a long time so perhaps you're used to it. I think you'll be okay.

The style you mentioned you like to study, is there any way you can incorporate that into how you're studying for this test?

[Snow White.]

Also if your tutor is a total git, is his opinion important and worthy of your consideration?

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks. I texted one of my support workers and in response he somewhat took the p*ss at me. Not helpful of him.

I will go around the whole house to check. I will try playing rainfall recordings (I have a playlist on Spotify of nature sounds which I find relaxing) to try and distract myself.

Thank you for the reassuring comments, especially on stress. I am going through a meds change and it is really disturbing me.

I am currently reading through my lecture notes, which I find "quicker" to get through than the textbook.

That is true about my lecturer! His opinion doesn't count. Thanks.

[Snow White.]

You're doing a really good job Oly of thinking rationally about this even though you are in distress now, which often makes thinking like that hard.

I find med changes really unnerving also, so I can relate especially as I worry about my brain as well. The brain is very resilient though and in many ways function can recover better than we think if they are disrupted (a medication once disrupted my language skills and finding the right word, but when I went off the medication it resolved). People with substance use problems who have brain function changes can recover those too! So I think you're in a good place to preserve your cognitive functioning.

(Sorry to go on - this is my area of research and I find knowledge comforting, and since you mentioned studies I thought you might too).

Rainfall music is a good idea. I hope it helps.

I'm sorry that your support worker wasn't very nice! Keep posting here if you think it will help you, we are here for you.

You can get through this.

[Steel Maiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snow White.

You're doing a really good job Oly of thinking rationally about this even though you are in distress now, which often makes thinking like that hard.

I find med changes really unnerving also, so I can relate especially as I worry about my brain as well. The brain is very resilient though and in many ways function can recover better than we think if they are disrupted (a medication once disrupted my language skills and finding the right word, but when I went off the medication it resolved). People with substance use problems who have brain function changes can recover those too! So I think you're in a good place to preserve your cognitive functioning.

(Sorry to go on - this is my area of research and I find knowledge comforting, and since you mentioned studies I thought you might too).

Rainfall music is a good idea. I hope it helps.

I'm sorry that your support worker wasn't very nice! Keep posting here if you think it will help you, we are here for you.

You can get through this.

Thanks. I'm calming down now. I did some guided meditation which helped a bit.

Knowledge is comforting and I really appreciate your input on that. I think neuronal plasticity is better than I originally thought!

The rainfall music was calming too. I'd recommend it although it is on Spotify so not everyone has that.

Thanks. My support worker apologised, he said he got the wrong idea.

I have reading week next week so I will plan out studying and rest too. I often forget how important rest is.

Thanks for the support.

[Zombie..]

I hope things get better for you

[tiptoes]

How did you get on?

[Steel Maiden]

It went quite well in the end. My support worker was with me for three hours and he was fantastic.

I feel more stable now.