Once again, I find myself back in this hole. I can barely move because of physical exhaustion, I can barely even think. I need help but I'm sure my care team are tired of trying to help me when I keep ending up back here. Don't know if I should see my GP to let him know how bad I am, too tired today to go anywhere - I can't even take my kids to school. Why do I believe that life will be ok if I restrict?
Last edited by mousetrousers : 21-10-2014 at 10:59 PM.
Reason: trying to remove positive recovery post label
They know how hard I find it, and my Dr tries to give me food ideas. They also know how supportive my husband tries to be. I just keep falling backwards. I'm so terrified of weight gain.
Instead of putting your focus on how it will be to gain weight maybe it would help to think more about how it would be to continue "living" the way you do now and to feel the way you do now versus how things could be and how you would like them to be.
I know how terrified i was too, but its really not as bad as i thought it would be! Only in the beginning... Your mind changes as you gain more weight. You start to see that you really arent big. I gained weight and i can feel it in my clothes but truth to be told i dont really see that much of a difference when i look in the mirror.
The more you are undereating the bigger you feel. It just messes up your head so much. And i am not saying eating kills the ed but it does help you to see things more clearly. You really shouldnt be so afraid of it:) hard to believe i know.
Your mind changes as you gain more weight. You start to see that you really arent big.
My dietician tried to tell me this too, but it just freaked me out more. My psychologist made me admit that I'm not really ready for or even wanting recovery. I'm kind of in limbo. I'm scared of getting sick, but more scared of gaining. Too tired to fight right now.
It was in no way my intention to freak you more out. Why does it freak you out? I didnt feel ready for recovery either. I rather wanted to just...you know. But i read about other girls saying that you will never feel ready, you just have to do it anyway. So i did. And i found it to be true. About you not wanting to recover...to be honest if you really didnt want to recover i doubt that you would write in this forum. I believe theres is a part of you wanting to escape the ed hell. You got to connect and focus on that part of you. I believe everybody with ed's got a whole lot of willpower inside of them cause its such a hard life to live. It takes alot of strength to live with an ed. So i dont doubt you got the power in you to recover. But You need to learn how to use all that will and strength right. Face your recovery with the same strenght, will and determination as you have done sinking deeper into your ed.
The right time to start recovery is right away. But it will never feel like the right time. But it is. The journey back to life cant happen to soon.
And can i just add how annoyed i get when the term "you dont want to recover" is used against people suffering. Its bulls...* they should try to walk a mile in their patients shoes, through their personal hell. and see how that feels. I want them to try it and look me in the eyes and hear them say "oh i really dont want to get out of this hell" people might be terrified of recovery but theres no such thing as not WANTING to recover. To get back to life. There will always be a part that longs for a normal healthy life. Its their damn job to put spotlight on that.
To make people work with that feeling and to give it a voice that can lead them back to the life that they deserve after all that pain and agony.
Go you, maybeline! I keep believing that life will be fixed, I'LL be fixed if I give in to this voice. But it never works. I'm never good enough or thin enough. By giving in I was forced to quit my teaching prac because of exhaustion. But I'm convinced somehow by choosing recovery I'm letting myself down? So tired
Last edited by mousetrousers : 27-10-2014 at 08:36 PM.
Reason: Missed a word
Thank you:) you are not letting yourself down by choosing recovery. You are lifting yourself up. Nothing good waits down the path of the ed. Really. Think about it. Think about how much effort, strenght and time you use to keep the ed going. And for what? You cant keep on doing it forever anyway. Your energy, your health, your mood, your intire life will only go down hill. Nothing will get better down that road. I remember how hard it was. It was soo not worth it. I didnt get happier at all.
But recovery didnt really seemed all that tempting cause at that point i could barely remember how it was not to live like that. It was just kinda life as i knew it. To give it up was just scary. I was used to The ed life. And it made me feel safe. I didnt want to return to my old life cause i wasent happy back then either so what did it matter? Why fight sooo hard to give up the ed just to fall right back into the arms of the world that pushed me into the ed anyway?
Well...i tell you. You learn sooo much in recovery once you really start to work with yourself. It changes you as a person to go through so much.
People turned their back on me as i became more ill. I thought they would like me more if i lost more weight. I felt lonely and maybe loosing weight was my way of trying to make them reach out to me. They did not. I was a walking zombie. With no sense of humor and no joy. I was a walking mental disease in their eyes. I have gained alot of weight and they praise it. Now they wanna talk with me. They tell me how much respect they got for my fight. and it feels sooo good to connect with the world around me again. I see the world in a new way and i am not the girl i used to be and i dont want to be her ever again.
Recovery is hard but atleast it takes you somewhere, thats worth fighting for. The ed does not. Nomatter what, you have to fight so why not fight for something worth getting? Everything i wanted from weightloss i got from weightgain instead. Closer relationships. Joy, selfesteem, selfrespect. There was nooo way i would ever have gotten that from my ed.
I dont want to sugarcoat recovery cause it is hard. And it is scary. But once you get a taste of a more normal life which has been long forgotten, you find yourself want more of it. Dont let the bad feelings that comes along with recovery scare you off. Its a part of the process. You might feel like you are getting worse but you are NOT. Keep going and nothing will seem as scary as having to return to the ed life. I look back and it sends chills down my spine. No weight is worth that kind of suffering. And i didnt even feel skinny back then! It was such a waste of struggle. Recovery is a struggle too, but its not never ending or wasted. Its a bridge you got to cross.
You must follow the diet plan your doctor has recommended you. You need to recover from this feeling because it will only make you weak and exhaust you physically.
you have to fight so why not fight for something worth getting? Everything i wanted from weightloss i got from weightgain instead.
THIS is what I needed to hear. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. I have so much in my life to fight for - my husband and kids are just the start. And, yes I will be a different, stronger person when I'm through this fight. That's another thing to fight for.
You're welcome:) glad i could help. I can see myself in you. I remember that place you are in and how it was to be there and i so badly want to help you cause i learned that it is possible to escape that. Yes you will change. And you will learn that you are good enough! Being underweight does not make anybody prettier, smarter or a better person. All it does is making you tired, grumpy, and sad. I learned that my weightloss/ed only pushed people away from me. It pushed life away from me.
People dont care about my weight. They just want to be around a good personality. Who dosen't? Which i did not have while being tortured by my ed. Try to look at other people around you...they dont starve to please others or to be good enough. So why should you?
Today when i see ill girls i see what other people see. I see it with completely different eyes. All i see is sadness and complete selfdestruction. Someone who is lost in lies.
To know that people has looked at me like that and i was just thinking they were jealous and admired my skinny frame is quite sad to me, today.
I dont want people to see me like that again.
The journey is long and I dont see myself as recovered. But not really as a ed victim either. But a ed soldier. Someone who is on her way to a new life. And i take pride in that. And you can too. I am not special in any way. I am not stronger than anybody else. You can get better too. Its all waiting for you:)
THIS is what I needed to hear. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. I have so much in my life to fight for - my husband and kids are just the start. And, yes I will be a different, stronger person when I'm through this fight. That's another thing to fight for.
*hugs tight* you are already so strong. You can do this!!!
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
