It never goes away

[x-Silvermist-x]

Hello Gem, how are you? I've read this thread and can relate to some of what has been said.

What makes you feel like you've failed?

x

[Patch.]

I hear you. I hear how you're suffering and hurting at the moment. I also hear your inner strength shine through. Well done for not taking the od.

*hugs and loving thoughts*

[Littleweeble]

Still here....hopefully you're just being quiet like me.

(((((Gem)))))

[chickenpie]

Thank you. Sorry for not posting I'm useless I can't get anything right.

Littleweeble I really appreciate you coming back here to check on me. It truly does make a difference to hear that someone cares, even if they don't know who you are.

I've not been as low, but the scary thoughts of needing to die keep coming even when I'm not expecting it. One comment, one thing I say that gets taken the wrong way, hearing how one person is doing, anything can flip me and I'm crying and struggling to breathe and I need it all to stop.

I'm seriously thinking about getting a dog, infact am going to see one tomorrow night! A big part of me is certain this will give me more motivation, a reason to get up, someone who will rely on me etc, but I'm so terrified that the poor little thing will end up with a miserable selfish owner who can't be bothered to play with it. I really want to give a dog a chance at a happy life, but I can't make anyone happy I am nothing I might ruin its life. I'll be constantly thinking "what if I hadn't chose him/her, the next person to would have given it so much more".

Realistically though I am really excited and happy at the thought of gaining a friend, I know it would help me, and I know people - especially my Grandparents - would be happy.

But what if I kill myself? I tried to explain to my GP, I am CERTAIN that I don't want to die, but the feelings are still there. Like if you fall in love with someone who's married/off limits etc, and you KNOW its wrong and that nothing can happen and you truly don't want anything to happen, it doesn't mean the feelings go because you've made your mind up.

I wish I could get rid of these feelings it terrifies me that if I have a low day and I feel like this I don't know if I could swear I wouldn't try anything.

I'm sorry for keeping this thread going its very selfish there's lots of posts on this page that are more serious.

[ennae]

Hey Gem. Good to hear from you again. You are definitely not selfish to keep your thread going. You are going through a really tough time and deserve our support as much as anyone else. I think getting a dog is a great idea - I am sure that you will be an amazing owner and the dog you choose will be very lucky to have you. Hang in there.

[Littleweeble]

I agree with Ennae, you aren't being selfish. I'm glad you're reaching out. It's so easy to stay in your head and suffer.

I'm felling a little better too...I don't know if it's because there have been no triggers or if the meds kicked in a bit. I'm like you....things seem to just suddenly smack you in the head and you fall off the edge again. I'm trying to work out where my self destruct button came from. I thought I'd write down everything I can remember, good and bad. It will keep me busy if nothing else.

I think you'll love having a dog. You seem like a very caring person. Dogs love you unconditionally. I don't walk my dog as much as I'd like as I get so tired. She doesn't seem to mind. She sleeps in bed with me(probably much to some dog trainers disgust). She loves me even more if I have food, lol. Maybe it will be a good idea if you're living alone. Somebody there for you but also the responsibility which might help you to keep safe.

Keep this post going until you don't need it anymore. I know that sometimes I'm lucky and I have a couple of months of feeling ok....sometimes I have years of being not ok.....but I've got this far, that's something.

I'll shhh now, it might be hard for you to read. Then again it might be a distraction.

Hugs for today xxx