Struggling with seeking help and staying alive

[Sarika]

I've taken medical leave for a semester at school because of psych issues. It is needed, of course I should have already received my undergrad degree two years ago but so goes my life. I've returned to RYL because the support and guidance I found here as a teen helped greatly.

I was inpatient in May, short stay - only five days because insurance set the limit. I admitted myself voluntarily as I really didn't have a choice and I was not about to go to a state hospital for involuntary admission. I wish I had done it sooner, maybe I wouldn't have screwed up my life as it is presently. I went into IOP afterwards. I am still attending the program three days a week - insurance needing to re-approve treatment about every 4 weeks. Now, don't get me wrong it's working, at least I'm still alive and breathing and somewhat functioning. But, I've sort of hit a wall. The wall being reality and how I will ever be able to cope with my issues and actually live.

I want to live, obviously, because I'm still here. If I was intent on dying I would have been gone for a while. So, I recognize that at my core I want to live and have at least a bit of hope left.

The problem is I'm becoming increasingly more frightened by my own behaviors. Would be easy to stop if I wanted to live, right? Not so much and I can't exactly wrap my head around it.

I was five years free of self harm, two years free of any eating disorder behaviors, and finally moving on with my life. This all came crashing down this past spring. I sit and really try to give myself a pep talk, I can do this, I can make it through, I'll just start over...But it's not happening, I can't do it.

I'm on a course of antibiotics now for an infection that likely spread from self harm wounds to other areas of my body. I've never had that happen before and it scares me because I know that this round I'm getting worse.

I'm not an alcoholic, but I have issues with drinking when I'm depressed. This is a rather nasty habit to have given the cocktail of meds I'm on combined with the fact I spend more time depressed than manic. I wasn't drinking over the summer - well, one time I did - but overall I was sober. I've started again, and it's worse as well.

Everything is worse, that's generally my life. I am filled with despair, guilt, shame, and utter helplessness. I don't know how my life could turn around again. I can't see the future - I can't see my future.

I find myself again at the point of "well I want to live but I want to die". After I was discharged in May I promised myself to return to inpatient if I ever felt as bad as I had been. As bad as I am now. My mood is not entirely depressed, but I know I hide my depression under layers of sarcasm and inappropriate laughter.

So, it should be easy for me to decide what to do...but it's not. Another five days? Maybe stretch it to six or seven? What good will that do? It won't, it will save my life and pull me up but it's only temporary. Did I feel amazingly well when I was there? Yes, that's exactly the purpose. All of life's stressors are taken away and suddenly life isn't that bad. Except you walk outside after being discharged and everything floods back and swallows you up.

I don't want to become dependent on the system, or be always in and out of the hospital. I just want to get out of my head. Drinking and self harm do that but just like any other addiction, there becomes the need for more. To get the same relief, I need to increasingly become more self destructive. That's what's scary. That's honestly what I think will kill me. Dying by my own hand but it being entirely a really bad accident.

What's also holding me back has to do with my relationships. Family, friends, school, and so forth. I actually feel guilty for seeking help. When I'm manic, there's no concern because there's this belief that follows me: if she's not depressed, what's the problem? My psychosis symptoms become wild jokes. I go along for the laughs. When the card turns over, and my depression comes back, everything is suddenly a "problem". Not my problem, their problem.

How could I do this to them? What have they done wrong? Those are the things I hear repeated over and over again. It also does not help when I'm told "you shouldn't tell people everything, you know, don't say the wrong thing, because then they will force you back into the hospital". So I'm left with intense guilt for wanting to seek help. I'm also left with having other control my life.

I'm an adult. I should not let other people control my life but it happens. This guilt that I carry is deadly. It is. Because guilt prevents me from seeking help I actually need.

I've turned myself into a circle here. I think I've somewhat contradicted myself a bit but I hope it makes some sense.

I guess what I'm looking for is someone to say "it's okay to be sick, it's okay to say you've had enough, it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to do whatever will make you safe". That's it. That's what I want. I want permission to let myself actually be ill. I am so controlled by others' thoughts and opinions that I can't give myself the proper permission. I also want a way out of this, out of the disabling effects of my mental illnesses. I want a way out and I want a fix. A permanent fix, or at least one that will last me ten years or so.

What I want to ask, how the hell do I ignore my suicidal ideation long enough to sort my head out properly? (Because right now, dying seems less complicated than remaining alive)

TL;DR: Severe depression is setting in, the same level as I experienced in May before I was admitted inpatient. My self damaging behaviors are becoming increasingly worse and I've become scared of myself. I actually do want to live just not like my present self. I'm letting myself be controlled by other people in my life which prevents me from seeking a higher level of care. On the same note, I don't want the hospital to be a revolving door. I want permission to experience my illness, I don't want to feel unworthy of help. I also want and need something that will help me for the long-term.

[ennae]

Hugs Sarika. I am so glad I read your post because I can relate to so much of it (not the IP part but the die or don't die part). I thought I was the only one so conflicted about living or not and being scared of accidentally dying by my own hand.

I also wanted to say that it is definitely ok to ask for help and to do whatever it takes to stay safe. If IP helped last time then I think it would be a good idea to access that kind of help again even if it is only temporary. Perhaps while you are in there this time you could come up with a plan to help make things less overwhelming when you return home???? I don't really know but if it keeps you safe then I think it is a good idea.

[Patent Pending]

Hello Becca,

I'm glad you felt able to return here for support. Well done for reaching out.

The first thing I will say is this; you CAN allow yourself to be ill and you ARE worthy of asking for help. I think it's worth remembering that asking for help when you need it is actually a positive thing. Yes, it can seem negative when you feel like you are reliant on MH services or hospitals but it shows you're taking responsibility for yourself and taking steps to keep yourself safe.

I'm glad you're still in the IOP programme and that you're finding it helpful - even just keeping you alive right now. Are there any members of staff you can speak to about all this? It might help to let them know what's going on for you right now.

It is good that you can recognise that deep down you want to live - but that doesn't automatically stop all your behaviours, but it's a good starting point.

Even though things seem to have hit a wall, it's still amazing that you made it five years without self-harm and two without ED behaviours! You should be really proud of that. Relapsing doesn't take that away from you. You made it that far once, and you can again, even if it seems hopeless right now. You CAN do it, I'm sure of it. You're a strong person, even if you don't feel it right now.

I hope the anti-biotics clear the infection up. Do you think you could use this as a marking point that you don't want to keep putting your body through this?

I know it can seem easy to drink to block out everything, but try to remember that alcohol is a depressant and will only help with things briefly - even before you add in the tablets you're on. It's good you weren't drinking over the summer - do you think there was something that helped with you not doing it? Perhaps there is something you could implement from now on?

Do you think, ignoring the input from friends/family or the worry about it becoming a revolving door, that being inpatient again would genuinely help you? By that I mean would it allow you to learn some skills to stop yourself being inpatient again? Or would it allow you to put a crisis plan or action plan in place? Do you think hiding your depression like that is helpful to you? Sometimes when you repress something so much it just means it comes back even stronger.

Have you tried doing pros/cons lists for things like SH or drinking etc? Sometimes having something like that stuck somewhere obvious can help just bring your mind back to a place where you're thinking about consequences rather than the short relief.

You have no reason to feel guilty for needing help. Try to think of it this way; wouldn't your family/friends etc prefer you got help rather than hurting yourself or rather than them losing you? I would always say that getting help before anything happens is doing them more of a favour than hiding it and getting to the point of self-destruction. It sounds like, from the comments you've said, that the people around you don't fully understand mental illness and how much help you might need right now. This misunderstanding can make you feel guilty for 'putting them through it' etc, but that doesn't mean it's right. You deserve any help you think you need.

It IS okay to admit you're unwell. It IS okay to ask for help. It IS okay to say you've had enough. They are all okay, as long as you don't give up completely. Try to use these admissions to get the support that will stop you reaching this point again.

I hope this made sense.

x x x