Please read.. (suicide tw)

[shadowdancer]

I'm 27 and have BPD.

I have very strong suicidal thoughts/urges to the point where I have planned to end my life on a particular day.

I am currently under the "care" of the complex care and treatment team but they are discharging me in September. My CPN said I use them as a safety net. (Im not sure how, I have barely ever called them)

If I told my CPN she would say "its just a thought" and "distract yourself". I have tried to distract myself but it won't work.

I don't know what to do. Some part of me wants to live because otherwise I wouldnt post here but most of me just wants to die.

I guess I'm asking for help?

R. x

[in_BPD_hell]

Hey

I'm so sorry you feel so low. Please call your worker and tell them how you feel.

Do you have any family or friends you can contact?

[shadowdancer]

I don't see what good telling my cpn would do. I know she'll just see it as some kind of manipulative threat to avoid being discharged.
I have my husband but the last thing he said when I told him I felt like this was "I wish you'd just get on and do it so I can get my life back together". So please excuse me if I don't feel much like saying anything now..

[in_BPD_hell]

Sorry
That's understandable and not very supportive of your husband
Does it matter Whst you CPN thinks? It's her job

[lord of luck]

Also do you have someone to be there for you on that day? just to be an added comfort and help you get thru/past it. It sounds like your husband isn't the right person to support you right now. maybe a sibling or close friend if you have one?

[shadowdancer]

I tried to call my cpn but she didn't answer I left a message.
I don't have anyone who could be with me on the day, I have no close friends and my sister has just fallen out with me. I picked it because my husband will be out all day.
I'll be ok.

[talaiporia]

Do you know what made you pick this day, or just that he'd be out?
I think it must be very difficult feeling like this. Do you have any techniques that help manage these feelings? Some people find it helps to stay distracted.

[shadowdancer]

I picked it because I thought he'd be away for three solid days, but it turns out I was wrong, that's this weekend. I stuck to it anyway.

I've had cogitive analytical therapy which has tried to teach me where the thoughts/feelings come from. I've bought some books on DBT and am hoping to teach myself mindfulness and so on in time to utilise it on the day.

I don't really want to die. I just want things to be different and I haven't got the ways or means to change them. :/

[talaiporia]

I'm sorry to hear that. You say that you don't want to die; suicide is such a devastating and permenent solution. You have options, and I always think with suicide you have to be 100% certain that you want it, and that you have no options left, because otherwise there's a chance of things turning around.

I hope the DBT and CAT stuff helps you stay safe. Could you plan out things to keep you busy? I also saw this (kitestring) which might be useful. It's not an app (as there's no download) but works like one. It keeps tabs on you, so you have to check in every so many minutes or it sends a text-alert to your emergency contact. I wonder if you could use that to keep yourself safe (reminding yourself if something happened your husband would get the alert).

[shadowdancer]

I'm planning some stuff to keep me busy.

Kitestring looks really good idea, I think I'll set up an account, thanks for that. x

[talaiporia]

I hope it helps. Remember, we're always here if you need to talk.