Cacoethes?

[Cacoethes]

I had occupational health this morning. Didn't pass which sucks but I expected it.
Got another job that I should be starting as soon as my dbs check and references come back though.
The manager used to be a psych nurse so she's really understanding, it's a better environment in case I have a seizure, it's closer to home and they are less likely to be corrupted by the government. So that worked out ok. Although I am worried about how the spirits / others will react. They haven't made a fuss about it so far but knowing how they work, they might kick off on my first day :/
And im not sure how it will work with having to be ill to keep myself safe. It could be that because I have to be in a certain place at a certain time for a fixed amount of time will be ok, just like how I was safe on adtu for that reason. I've got a couple of weeks to sort this out though.

I've done some cleaning, I promised myself I wouldn't do one of my obsessive house cleans but it looks like that's going to happen so I really need to keep an eye on the time because I have a neurologist appointment later.

[melting_snow]

Becky, sorry to post here randomly again, but I was reading your R&V yesterday and saw you are worried about working enough hours to be able to pay your bills.

Did you know that if you receive DLA/PIP you are also entitled to working tax credit regardless of age? They also give you a disability premium. I worked 20 hours a week and was also getting £90 a week WTC.

I hope that helps ease the pressure a little.

[Cacoethes]

Thank you, that's really helpful :)
I'll be working 22 hours a week to start with, but the manager said that I could do more whenever, she's just worried that it will stress me out too much going straight into 40 hours a week. She has a point!

At neurologists now. Feel quite ill so hoping I don't have a seizure here. That would be awkward. Also pretty jittery. And my tongue feels numb. Grrrrrr.

[Hann]

How did your appointment go? xx

[Cacoethes]

It was ok thanks.
Overall, he's pleased with how I'm doing and we chatted about my mental health for a while as well.
He's concerned about my overdoses though, looked into meds that might be less toxic in overdoses but there aren't any and there are no depo injections for seizure meds. He said he doesn't want to stop them though because seizures are dangerous too.

He thinks I might also have complex partial seizures which was a bit upsetting to hear. He needs witness accounts to be sure though so now I've got to ask friends and family to look out for signs because they can be hard to spot sometimes.
If they are seizures, then my meds will have to be increased.
It really sucks because tomorrow I would have been 2 months free of tonic clonic seizures (tthe big ones) and this just kind of ruins it a bit :/

And I found out that my old cpn and the crisis team will be coming to my house on Wednesday and i'll be allocated a care coordinator then. Didn't think it would happen that fast.

Glad they r giving u anew cc fast think u need it Hun
Keep going x

[Cacoethes]

Thank you xx

Should be seeing crisis team today. That's what they told me yesterday anyway. Sometimes it's not written on the board and they don't realise they're meant to see me :/

I have to tell them some things. I'm not sure how it will go down. And I have a major prn hangover so hard to organise thoughts and words. But at least I'm too tired to think too much. That's a good thing atm.

My housing benefit came in so I can get food and pay it back in when I get paid before my rent is due. I need to buy razors though (for legit purposes) and the suggestions of cutting have been in the background for a couple of days. So that's going to be tough.

[chinahorse]

Choose another hair removal option? Wax, cream?

Could you call crisis to see if they are coming?

[Cacoethes]

I could try wax. I tried it once and I made myself bleed so a bit apprehensive but it's worth giving it a go if it reduces the risk of self harm I suppose.

I think I'll call them in a bit. They sometimes get a bit aannoyed when I remind them and pretty much force me into saying I don't need a visit today. :/

[sherlock holmes]

What do you need to tell the crisis team in person?

You could get a lady shaver type thing! No need to buy razors again and you can still shave where you need to.

[Cacoethes]

Proof that it's happening in 2016. It's already started. Slowly and such small things that won't be noticed. Even I've only just realised. George Orwell's 1984 is not fiction. It's a prediction. Obviously he didn't get everything right. But it's there.

I've tried one of those before. Didn't go too well! I think I still have it somewhere though. Could give it another go!

[Cacoethes]

Really really sorry to post again but things aren't going so well.
Haven't slept in over 30 hours despite taking lorazepam because I know I need to sleep, that was hours ago now.
I'm seriously irritable and very restless to the point of it being unbearable. I can't switch off. It feels like my whole body is shivering but I can't see it shivering.
I'm annoyed with the crisis team and I know it's mostly my fault for being a bit weird about calling them because I told them on Thursday or Friday that I really think I need to see someone over the weekend and they were going to come yesterday but then she called and said she had decided not to come and I haven't heard from them today at all even though she said she would call and arrange a visit and it's too late for them to come out now anyway and im not even sure what I'd say and I CANT phone them for several reasons which is really stupid because I know they'll say 'why didn't you call us' and then I very much doubt they'd believe the reasons because they rarely believe anything I say anyway and it's also stupid because that just means I'm stuck here struggling on my own. I know they're really busy and everything especially at night because they have to work over 3 hospitals which aren't close to each other at all and there are only 2 staff on but this weekend has been a little bit ridiculous on the 'support' front even though thsts also kind of my fault because when I spoke to her yesterday I was a bit more hyper than usual so I'm not even sure what I said tbh.

I've rambled loads i'm just not sure what i can do and lorazepam usually works at that dose but it hasn't and im just jittery and agitated and im watching kids films and tried to do some writing to get some thoughts out but im finding it hard write for some unknown reason and im not sure what else I can do really

[Aubergine]

If you don't feel you can call the crisis team, could you call the Samaritans? Or go and see them? Not the same, I know. It might provide an outlet though.

[Cacoethes]

I will try the samaritans, thanks.
I should be able to take more lorazepam in a couple of hours so I just need to last until then and hopefully I'll sleep after that And then maybe ill be able to contact them tomorrow.
I just feel like I'm freaking out I've had palpitations most of the day and been really cold and I hurt and I get a bit panicky about physical health because of something random last year. Just stressing over stupid stuff really abd i'm not even sure if i'm making sense or not

[Aubergine]

You sound sense-making. :)

When can you take more lorazepam? Hopefully that'll help you sleep. How's your sleep hygiene?

[sherlock holmes]

Could someone call the crisis team on your behalf if you didn't feel able to call them yourself?

I think the samaritans would also be a good idea!

[Cacoethes]

Thanks! I can never be sure because I just type words that come into my head so I can never be sure if they're in the right order, like I just type I don't think about what I'm saying.

I'm going to take some now. My sleep hygiene is usually ok, but I went out last night so haven't slept in probably about 33 hours straight now and that along with the alcohol and lorazepam today so really, I should be knocked out right now and not sure why I'm not ...

Chels has offered to call the crisis team for me tomorrow if I can't do it or if they don't call me which kind of helps.
Whenever I ask for a visit they tend to kind of bully me into saying I don't need a visit. And as I'm going back under the cmht on Wednesday I don't think they'll bother with the next couple of days because I've survived the weekend.

Going to try and sleep now I think.

[Aubergine]

Sometimes I find that the less I've slept, the harder it is to sleep. Strange, but I don't think you're alone with struggling even though in theory you should be knocked out.

It's good that you've got someone who can call for you if you don't feel able. Do try to take them up on the offer. Perhaps they could also put their foot down a bit with regards to having a visit? Sometimes it's easier if we've got someone to advocate for us.

I hope you manage to get some rest. :)

[Cacoethes]

Well I called them!
Apparently I can't be struggling because I went out last night so I'm fine. IM TOTALLY FINE
and for once I don't agree. He was like, if you were staying on your house all the time on your own then we'd be worried and it's like, that's a fucking lie because that's all I do like 99% of the time!!! And yeah I agree that im better than I was last week cos I went out and didn't go all weird which is great but come on! To say that I can't possibly be struggling (which I explicitly said I was) because I went out last night is a bit meeh
I don't even know what to do.
I'm not tired. I've only got one lorazepam left genuinely don't know what to do because I really fucking want to sleep so I'm going to have to sleep somehow! !!!
And like I don't want to get busted for rule breaking and saying about illegal activity which isn't actually illegal at all (is temazepam illegal? )
But I don't have any so it's irrelevant and I don't know what response I expected but the things he said it was like....wooooaaahh that's a bit unnecessary

So yeah. Was actually saying this to myself all day but FUCK THEM!!!!!

Y'know YOLO and all that! !

I sort of get wat they r saying I know I struggle more wen Iv been out due to tiredness hungova etc cud u do some sleep hygiene stuff
Don't want to disregard ur struggle at all but ur doing well to cope Hun