I just don't know what to do

[ccjg]

I'm a PhD student and I really really like my supervisor - but he's just taken a job at UCL in London and has offered us (his students) three options: stay at D. University with a different supervisor, move with him to London, or stay at D. University and commute into London to stay under his supervision, whilst still living up North.

I can't sleep because I'm so frightened about everything, I can't make any decisions and I feel like everyone wants me to do something different, my supervisor wants me to move to London with him, my best friend thinks I should quit my PhD and get a job but if I did that my parents would be so angry and they'd think I was ill and they'd make me stay at home and I don't want that. I can't sleep because I'm so worried. I honestly don't know what to do I'm so confused. I just want to make everyone happy. I've never thought about what I've wanted and when I try I get panicky so I have to do what everyone else wants.

[talaiporia]

Have you spoken to him about your concerns? I think the least difficult (in terms of change) option would be to stay at D with a new supervisor, but I'd be inclined, given he's so supportive, to stick with him instead.

It is scary, and I can understand your fear. How far into the PhD are you? How far is the commute? Is your work dependent on him or independent, ie. could you carry on with a new supervisor?

UCL is a lovely uni, but some people find London a difficult place to live. It's certainly pretty different to D (if D is the one I'm thinking of).

I don't think quitting your PhD is a good idea (unless there are other factors involved). You started it for a reason, and that's worth holding onto.

[ccjg]

Thank you for your reply lovely.

I have spoken to him about it but only in dribs and drabs - he's really keen that I stick with him but understands that obviously money is a worry at the moment and would only get worse in London. I wouldn't be able to do it without a grant.

I don't know, you see... I trust my best friend and i've made him terribly unhappy in the past because I just do what my parents tell me to do and they... well, they told me they wanted me to do a PhD so... I did one. I mean, I think I wasn't sure what I wanted to do MYSELF, but all the things I've wanted to do my parents have usually said no (like creative writing or drama school) so I suppose I've almost created a headspace where I can't think for myself. I can't do anything big that's just for ME. I know that all sounds very selfish and melodramatic, I don't mean it that way - just, I feel like now I'm pathalogically incapable of thinking in terms of 'what would *I* like to do?' I just know I don't want to make my best friend sad again. I feel like the longer I carry on with my PhD (i'm a year into it in September, by the way, just done the nine month review) the more annoyed with me he gets.

I just don't know what to do. I feel panicky about it all the time. I just want to forget about everything and make it stop but it's in my head and bouncing around in my heart all the time. It won't STOP.