I would say I'm confused. Part of me must know it's not 2007 but I think that's motivated by the knowledge I've been sectioned in London before and I don't want that to happen again. On a really basic level I feel like things being dissociated and chaotic all the time is hard to deal with and fix, and I just want to go to something/somewhere that's familiar/feels safe/makes sense. When I think about it my life here doesn't make sense to me. I'm not dancing anymore and I'm not sure why, there are new people and places that don't feel familiar although I do seem to know them on some level. I was safe in 2007. I wasn't passing out every other day. I had purpose. I was alive. I also have this really fucked up thought that I killed myself with the od I took at the end of 2007 because nothing has felt real since. I know that's fucked up. I know it doesn't make any sense.
I do remember the royal wedding and the baby! And I've texted a friend which has helped. She says I need sleep which I agree with. My 2014 ex boyfriend wants me to stay at his tomorrow night (his dad just died) so that rules out London for another day. Which is probably a good thing.
Although I have to say the main issue with London is when other people get involved, call the police, 136 me and cart me back to Leeds on a section. Which is confusing and stressful. Maybe I could handle going there, staying for a bit and coming back myself? The only issue is that if I forget everything when I'm there and try and get into my old (current?) house.
I think you have had issues with dissociation before and it sounds like when things get overwhelming in the present - 2014 - your mind escapes to a good time - 2007 - when things were better and you weren't ill.
Logically you know that it isn't 2007, but at the same time, you need it to be because things in the present are too distressing or difficult for you to handle.
The problem is, it isn't 2007, and however much you want to go back there, it can't happen. With this in mind, the only way forward would be to make now, the present, better.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Got woken up by neighbours music and the carpet men coming to redo my room. Which is a bit stressful cos I have to move all my stuff but at least I'll have a new carpet! Managed to get a gp appointment for today at 3pm so I'll try ask about my skin. I was thinking of cancelling my cc appointment this week so I've got more time to get stuff done. Still got a lot of move related things to sort out. And my ex boyfriend needs me ATM. Was gona cancel therapy as well but not sure that's a good idea. I still want to go to London but seem to be more grounded today. Really can't handle being sectioned and drama so it's best I just stay here. Plus I need to be out for the funeral, I can't let my boyfriend down, and I won't be able to go if I sectioned.
It does sound like waking up that way would be stressful but a new carpet will be nice :)
I think you're probably right about cancelling therapy not being a good idea, do you think cancelling your CC appointment will be helpful or that you could use it right now?
I hope you're able to stay safe.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I just feel like the I sometimes do appointments for the professional rather than myself and I really want to try this whole looking after myself thing. I know having an appointment should fit in with that but it's stressful. And I was semi passed out last time I saw him and don't want that or worse to happen. And my skin is bad and I'm self conscious. And I want to focus on getting my life together a bit. Dunno. It's just hard work all the time.
Just waiting for carpet men to get out my room and then got gp appointment later, and staying at the bf's tonight. He's seeing the body today. I offered to go with him but he wanted to go alone with his sister. So later will be hard. Hope it doesn't push me further into London stuff.
I think it's really good you want to be looking after yourself and working on getting your life together, it's really positive.
I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry about the doctor and your skin, it's nothing they haven't seen before. I hope you're able to make it to the appointment and it helps.
I hope you're able to stay safe tonight.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Gp appointment was a complete waste of time, they wouldn't give me anything. Well they gave me anti histamines but I've had them before and they didn't do anything. Wouldn't give me any pain killers. Bit annoyed.
Managed to talk to staff about London stuff. They were good about it. Encouraging me to be grounded in the here and now. Said they can't stop me from going to London. Asked me why I didn't pass out at the weekend which I couldn't really answer. Wish I wasn't such an idiot. Anyway.
Haven't cancelled cc appointment yet. Still think it's probably a good idea.
Having a 1:1 here later and then going over to boyfriends.
I'm sorry to hear your GP appointment wasn't helpful. Did you speak to them about when the treatment was going to be started?
Well done for talking about the London stuff, I'm glad they were nice about it. Do you think it might help to perhaps watch the news or something sometimes to keep you in what's going on at the moment?
Why do you think cancelling your CC appointment is a good idea?
I hope the rest of today goes okay.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I think the gp is chasing up treatment stuff. Not sure when it's starting but will hopefully hear something soon. Gona talk to staff later about grounding. Not actually sure cancelling is a good idea anymore. Just wasn't feeling well enough and had too much going on with my skin and practical things that needed sorting but skin has calmed down a bit and got quite a lot done today. I was essentially just avoiding things.
Stayed at bf's last night and his family left this morning. Was nice to see him. Ended up going to therapy even though I was going to cancel and she said she was really impressed with how I was doing and talking despite everything that was going on. It was a good session. Saw a friend afterwards which was awesome because neither of us are in hospital. And now heading back to Brigid to cook dinner. Gona chill there this evening and probably will see cc tomorrow. Eczema is still bad and hurting but slightly calmer and not getting me down as much. Overall feeling more positive. Yay!!
Yesterday was a bad day. Woke up at 6pm to paramedics in my room. I was in bed asleep/passed out and staff weren't able to wake me up so they phoned paramedics which was annoying because we agreed that we wouldn't do that if I passed out. Frustrating as well because I was in bed not in a public area or outside. I thought they would never stick to the plan but they said they would. Grrr. They are now saying they probably won't be able to just leave me and they have to clear it with management.
Anyway. Eczema is flared but a tiny bit better and not bothering me quite as much. On my way to an appointment. Feel like I'm going to pass out, again, so probably shouldn't be out but can't miss the appointment. Don't really know how to handle these situations.
Best friend has taken a lethal od and is refusing hospital. I'm tempted to call the police. I can't loose her on top of everyone else. Fuck positive risk taking. This had to be done.
I'm sorry to hear you had a tough day yesterday. I can understand how upsetting it probably was to wake up to paramedics in your room.
I'm glad the eczema's calmed a little and isn't bothering you as much. I hope you get to and from the appointment okay.
Were you able to speak to staff about grounding before?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Yeah spoke to staff about grounding, they were really helpful and I haven't gone to London (yet). Woohoo.
What if my friend dies? She took the OD last night and today. I hope it's not too late. She said day hospital were sending her an ambulance but not sure if she'll manage to stay and get treatment. She'll definitely need treatment.
