Back again...loosing myself

TheDarkComes · 18-04-2014, 02:12 AM

Been a while since I have been on here but I have become lost in my depression and anxiety again. I am terrified of what I may do. Nightmares of my rape are keeping me up at night. I'm exhausted and can't seem to get enough sleep. My partner is also struggling which makes me scared if the two of us are drowning in our demons...I don't know what to do.

Wonderland. · 18-04-2014, 11:22 AM

I'm sorry to hear that you are both struggling.

Have you got any professional support at all?

TheDarkComes · 18-04-2014, 05:32 PM

Yes, speaking with a counselor at my uni and a doctor there as well.

iamatortoise · 18-04-2014, 06:16 PM

Hi,

Sorry to hear things are hard at the moment. It's good you're able to speak to your doctor and counsellor. Could you maybe mention not being able to sleep to your doctor and ask his advice?

TheDarkComes · 18-04-2014, 10:55 PM

She just suggests more meds...can't stand the sleeping pills...just wish it would go away

Patent Pending · 19-04-2014, 01:52 PM

Hi there,

Sorry to hear you're struggling so much right now.

What is it that's making you dislike the sleeping pills?

Have you tried discussing with her what might help other than medication?

Do you speak to your counsellor about the rape and the nightmares? If they are unable to help you work through these things perhaps looking for support in your local area would be helpful instead?

x x x

TheDarkComes · 22-04-2014, 01:35 AM

I don't like feeling dependent on drugs to get to sleep...I flip out when my partner touches me the wrong way...so tired of talking to people about it..it doesn't seem to be getting easier...flashbacks are making me want to she more and more...I just want to feel something...

TheDarkComes · 22-04-2014, 03:55 AM

I'm sorry...I just feel like a burden to everyone...just want to feel something again...

Patent Pending · 22-04-2014, 04:35 PM

Hey honey,

You're not a burden to anyone, we're all here to help.

I can understand the feeling about medication to help you sleep - I hate that I'm dependant on mine.

I know it doesn't seem like it but things will get easier.

How are you feeling today?

x x x

TheDarkComes · 22-04-2014, 07:39 PM

I'm doing ok, trying to cope. I have resisted relapse so far but I don't know how much longer I can hold on. My counselor at school isn't able to see me as much any more due to policy so I am just trying to get through it on my own.
I feel numb...I got this way on my anti-depressants before...but as soon as I try and get off of them I have panic attacks...I don't want to be numb for the rest of my life to simply get through life without damaging myself...I feel so alone today...
Sorry...I try and be support for others yet I am still broken...

TheDarkComes · 23-04-2014, 08:12 PM

I don't know what to do....I really don't...not expecting to see your rapist ever again and then bam...there they are staring you in the face...I can still smell his filth...I don't know what to do...I'm not safe

kms23 · 23-04-2014, 09:02 PM

Hey...sorry things are so hard for you at the minute, I can completely understand how you are feeling after today...it's hard..do you have anyone else you can speak to? Maybe speak to the doctor about some other form of support that's not medication?

Hope you're doing okay

Xx

TheDarkComes · 23-04-2014, 09:59 PM

Potentially...but I have to get up the courage to call them and book an appointment...I can't handle it..Too many thoughts going through my head...

TheDarkComes · 23-04-2014, 10:25 PM

I'm sorry...just don't know where to turn...my partner has already been through enough...she doesn't need this...I'm loosing myself...

kms23 · 23-04-2014, 10:44 PM

Don't be sorry lovely...you've done so well to reach out on here, don't be so hard on yourself..

I know how hard it is to phone the doctor...took me months to be able to, but I can say, that once you do, it's a huge relief. I made it clear tablets weren't for me. I am being given a MH worker..

If you can do try and reach out to them..or even phoning a charity? Don't doubt yourself..

TheDarkComes · 25-04-2014, 01:52 AM

Thank you...I just didn't know where else to turn...I just hope I get through this...the last time my memories of it was triggered I became incredibly suicidal and SH was really bad...Just need to keep my head above water. I just want it to end...I feel like I will be triggered for the rest of my life

Unbreakable. · 25-04-2014, 01:55 AM

Is there anything you think would help you with how you feel right now?

TheDarkComes · 25-04-2014, 03:17 AM

I don't know...I'm just scared, I don't feel safe...

Unbreakable. · 25-04-2014, 03:31 AM

What makes you feel unsafe?

If you have any meds you can take that might be a good idea. Or otherwise calling a helpline could be something that helps you.

wi-nter · 25-04-2014, 08:09 AM

I hope you can fight through this. Feeling scared and unsafe is horrible and you don't deserve any of that.
Can you talk to someone besides your partner or counselor? maybe a friend or a family member? For me talking helps a lot, doesn't necessarily have to be about things that trigger you but just things to distract you for a while. And like MIss Y said a helpline could be helpful?

i hope you feel better <3