You're both right. There's agency staff on tonight and I feel really weird about talking to them. I shouldn't be isolating myself here but I am. I don't want to waste people time by complaining about self harm.
I think I'm just not used to fighting urges. I give into them. It's habit. Urges to do this are so so strong I'm not sure I'll be able to hold out. But I don't really know what the point of doing it is.
I think they'd rather you talked to them about urges than you do something and tell them about it after its happened. That's the point of you being there, to ask for support, it wouldn't be wasting their time.
There is no point in doing it.
You may not be used to fighting urges, but it's something you can get used to, with the help of the staff there.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
If you write a to do list it can be helpful to put things on there that you can tick off straight away. E.g. write a list! Then put time specific ideas, e.g. "spend one hour researching voluntary work" is a lot more manageable than "find voluntary work". xx
I managed to go downstairs and talk to the staff member on. To give him credit he did really well. He told me a little bit about himself and his life, which was actually really nice. I told him I wanted to self harm and he said I would just end up in hospital again. And I don't want that. They don't seem like mental health professionals here, just regular people. It's refreshing.
You need to seak medical attention Katie this is serious my best friend DIED from doing this and it's serious. And I mean right now or god help me I will somehow find a way to get an ambulance to you.
I told staff. I'm in a cab to a&e now. I just risked everything I've worked for. I'm probably gona get kicked out the hostel now. Assuming this ends well.
I agree with going to the hospital. What you did was insanely dangerous and you need to be seen by doctors. Your ex won't want another death. You're more help to him by getting treated.
xx
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Right now I think it's best you work with the staff at the hospital I've been at the scene of someone swallowing a blade and it isn't pretty and Idk how you're still here updating you need emergency attention, focus on that.
Wouldn't it be better to ask for support before the things happen? You have the staff, you have this thread. You have a lot of support.
Swallowing a blade was not something you needed to do and I explained the dangers of it, perforated bowel, colostomy bag or they'll most likely just say it will pass through.
I know change is hard, but this was meant to be a good change and you were looking forward to it, but you've not even been there a week and you've been in hospital twice for self harm. It will get to the point where the staff will say they can't have you there and you'll either go to hospital or back into your own flat and the cycle will continue.
Recovery is not meant to be easy and there will be slip ups, but you have to want it and have to use the support available to work for it.
I know it seems easier to just od or cut or whatever but it's not sustainable. You need to work with the staff to find healthier coping strategies rather than going to them after you've self harmed and telling them, because what are they meant to do to support you then?
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Nothing is showing up on the X-ray so I mustn't have done it? Which is beyond weird because I can feel it in my neck. I must have dissociated or something. Sorry for worrying everyone if it turns out I've not done it. Either way I do need to talk to people before it gets like this again.
Just because it isnt coming up on the xrayed doesn't necessarily mean you didn't do it! it could be in a weird position. Why did you do it? Have you gone back to the supported accommodation or to see your ex? How are you doing? I dont think you would of gone to A&E if you hadnt done it.
I second Beckies point about talking before it gets to this point. You've said that this was meant to be a new fresh start for you. This is a huge opportunity and your'e lucky to have the intense support as lots of people I know have wanted supported accommodation but spaces aren't available. Is there any reason why youre finding it so hard to break free from this cycle?
Ballerina123 - My lovely superstar
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