Today I had an appointment with my GP and I told her (among other things) that I still had urges to self harm strong ones, even after a few months not doing it. Her response was surprise and saying "yet? That should be gone by now!". It was triggering, and still to this moment I over-think what she told me, because it was such a ignorant comment in my opinion.
Later I opened up with my mum and told her that conversation. We were in a bar so I didn't think she would overreact to it, but she made me repeat myself for a few times and talk louder and then looked at me shocked because I "cut" back in february.
I gave her a few moments to calm down and later I corrected her. "I don't cut. I burn. I don't cut". She answered back with scorn and made a rough gesture for me to shut up, ignoring what I said completely, after telling me (after out little talk) that she liked that I opened up with her, when I asked her if she was upset. She then acted like nothing was wrong, laughing, making jokes and acting happy. To this moments i'm totally ignoring her for what she did because that was rude and totally inappropriate. I would've rather she told me quietly "i don't want to talk about it now" than make grumpy sounds and shaking her hand at me.
She also said that she "understood" what it was like when i tried explaining to her how addictive it was. But all for making me shut up, i know it.
I just want to cry and burn myself again. Oh and btw... the fact that people assume I cut is getting me upset and someday i'll burst. Not everyone that self harms cuts, self harm isn't only cutting. I have to correct my psych all the time, correct my parents, doctors, everyone. It makes me feel like what I do doesn't matter. (or did... i'm in recovery, so "did").
And don't tell me to talk to my mom... she doesn't listen. She gets upset when we say she does something wrong and screams that we want to put her down and that "she's stronger, she's bigger, she's with God!, and we won't put her down because she's a heaven's angel!" and then gets grumpy and says we want to call her dumb and stupid, when we tell her calmly how she should do thins.
Sorry if i talked too much... i'm upset and had to tell someone.
Last edited by teal : 09-04-2014 at 09:15 PM.
“Sometimes, the best way to help someone is just to be near them”
I think it can be hard for people to understand what they've never experienced. It certainly makes it easier for us when they at least try to. I don't know how to make people understand any better, but I also know how frustrating it is when they don't. But they're not going to change so just remember, I guess, that there are some people who do understand. I hope you making the post helped you.
I just wish she would treat me better. It helped better, but i'm still upset and mad at my mom. Guess i'll mention this to my psych and see how it goes.
“Sometimes, the best way to help someone is just to be near them”
I understand how GP's can be a bit of a pain sometimes. Mine rearranged an appointment to a day earlier without informing me so I couldn't get any help. I ended up seeing another doctor. If you feel that your doctor isn't giving the support and advice you'd like, you can always go see a different doctor like I have.
Also, if you feel that your mum is not acting the right way about this try not to talk to her about this. If she suddenly brings anything about this up just ignore her.
It's good to know you're going to see your psych. It's always really good to get professional help and support.
You shouldn't be sorry for talking too much. Letting it all out is a really good way to vent anger, sadness, etc. if you'd ever like, you can always PM me.
If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do, what I'm about to do today?
I don't wanna change doctors, i mean she's just my family doctor and i have my psychiatrist, so i think i'll stay this way.
My mom doesn't talk about these things but always wants me to "tell" her things, and gets upset every time i do open up with her. It's a paradox.
Thank you, you guys are so sweet.
“Sometimes, the best way to help someone is just to be near them”
Sorry about your mom, people don't understand what they haven't experienced. I don't really know how to relate with the burning thing, seeing as I'm a cutter. But I will say, sorry people get it mixed up all the time for you. It would tick me off if I was in that situation. I hope things go well between you and your mom. I CAN relate to that at least. Mine hates my guts at the moment. But hopefully it'll get better, for both of us. :) Stay strong. You're not alone.
Yeah... i'm still mad at her. She doesn't understand the hint, she thinks i'm feeling bad and not ignoring her, so the silence treatment isn't working out for me.
It sucks, because it reminds me of how much i wish i could cut and i can't. for years i've felt like that and the closest i've been is to scratch with a blade, nothing more. I know it's not healthy thinking.
Sorry your mom hates you, that must be so hard...
“Sometimes, the best way to help someone is just to be near them”
Yeah..it is..and yesterday I wanted to hurt myself so badly, and I didn't have time to get on here the whole entire day so I literally went through hell most of the day, but I didn't cut and by the end of the day I felt so much better.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
Yeah..it is..and yesterday I wanted to hurt myself so badly, and I didn't have time to get on here the whole entire day so I literally went through hell most of the day, but I didn't cut and by the end of the day I felt so much better.
That was so strong of yourself on not cutting, i'm glad you felt better. I still find it weird when i feel better after an urge, it's all so strange to me yet... it's hard to explain, i'm just confused.
“Sometimes, the best way to help someone is just to be near them”
I understand how annoying it is that most people think self-harm is cutting. Like you it really gets to me. I bruised rather than cut for nearly two years. I, like you, have corrected people when they talk about self-harm. (Even though I am cutting again.) There's still a lot of ignorance surrounding self-injury that needs to change.
When that starts to bug me I try to remember this. It's not how you do it, but the fact that you are doing it. All types of self-injury-bruises, cuts, scratches, burns, are physical signs of emotional pain.
It helps, right now I can get into that mindset more often but sometimes I just think "it's not cutting, it's alright, it doesn't matter if I do it because it's not cutting". I know it's not the correctest thing ever, but when you have the urge your mind makes up excuses for you to do it, or so i see it.
“Sometimes, the best way to help someone is just to be near them”
