Hey everyone, i hope you're all ok. I'm sorry i disappeared. I have no real excuse, and so apologise for not appreciating responses in my thread, and for not being here to support others. I want to try and be more active here again, and also need a spot of advice/support myself, if thats ok...
I've now been inpatient 3 months. Its been a rough ride of not eating, daily self harm and restraint, constantly on and off level 3 constant obs, being threatened with being moved to PICU/discharged etc etc.
But gradually, its been noticed this week that i'm 'doing better'. Despite kicking off completely on Saturday night, and being on 1.1 at bedtime when i'm in my room until i'm settled. We have finally settled on a medication that they recommend and i can tolerate. I've got to know more staff and they have got to know me, and when i struggle, and little things that help (being outside, cups of tea, 1.1 support when i go to my room at night). So things have been running a bit smoother.
So while things have run smoother, i've 'done better'... in that the self harm has lessened and things have been calmer. But i'm struggling with people saying this to me, and i'm puzzled as to why.
Is this a common feeling in 'recovery'. I think my reasons are:
- Being worried this will raise peoples expectations of me/what i can/cant do.
- Being scared of the unknown
- Generally lacking in hope still = this is further to fall, 'when' i fall
- That people pair behaviours with my depression and i think i'm still as depressed. Sometimes the more suicidal i am, the less i self harm... because its like i need more?
From conversations with my nurse and others, its clear they know i still have a long way to go. I think i sometimes i misread their words of encouragement, and get scared they will think i'm fine and leave me, even though i know that wont happen. I think i have done well, i'm just scared of falling down again and want to go slowly.
Is this normal? How do i deal with it?
I am still seeing my psychologist but on Tuesday i will meet with my new DBT therapist for the first time, and then will transition to just seeing her, with my psych going to just my care coordinator. I had ward round today, and i'm looking at another 4-5 weeks in hospital so coincide with starting DBT and settling into it.
Unfortunately my named nurse is now off for 11 days, and my psychologist is also off next week! I will be having 1.1s with other staff during this time, but am only just starting to talk to others, so some ways of wording how i feel and what i'm scared of would be helpful..
I hope this makes sense and you dont hate me for disappearing....
I'm glad things are running smoother for you. It sounds like you trying really hard and that's so good.
I think it's normal to have fear that they will say 'oh, you're fine. Off you go' - but as you say yourself; it won't happen. Try to keep this in mind.
I hope DBT goes well - I found it really helpful in recovery.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Glad to see you back :)
Don't have many words L, but it is really common for people to be apprehensive as to what 'recovery' means. Are you working with OT on the ward? They're generally very good at helping with planning for post-discharge, what 'recovery' means etc
It is very normal and understandable anxiety. It's wonderful to hear you show the perspective and insight you possess. You already have the words for when your named nurse is away, you've already told us them here, but I think it's trusting yourself to speak them to others. You can only go at the rate you can handle, and that's okay.
It's a long road, full of ups and downs. One step forward doesn't mean it's easy...we all understand this....just like not self harming doesn't mean the pain has gone away. I still get really scared like you and I'm a lot further in my journey (or at least I've had many years in therapy!)....I'm scared I'll be left in pain that will overwhelm and suffocate me. I still fight the urges to show people, lest they forget the pain because it seems to have gone away! I hope that a good therapist will support you and validate your pain, and with time you'll learn to rely and trust in this...and then, maybe, given time, trust in yourself.
It's lovely to hear from you. To deal with it, simply notice it (as you already are), feel it and try to accept the discomfort it brings you (as much as you are able). It's ok to be scared, even though it is a horrid emotion. And accept if sometimes you aren't able to cope with it and need to escape. You can't do everything all at once. Take care of yourself.
Its good to hear from you - I'm glad things are progressing in the right direction. What you're feeling is pretty common, and it seems like you have a good understanding of why that is. What I would say, though, is that staff will throw positive praise at you because it's their job to encourage positive changes. But ultimately, you've been IP for a pretty long time, and things have been very difficult. Nobody would expect things to get better immediately.
It sounds like things are a lot more positive for you, although you are still struggling - and that is ok!
The staff at the hospital and your own mental health team will not expect your recovery to happen over night now. It is a long hard road with lots of ups and downs.
I think it's important to note that recovery is different for everyone. Everyone will go through different things in recovery, and one person's idea of recovery may be completely different from another person's idea of recovery, with the same illness. If that makes sense? So, try and think about what recovery means for you.
x x
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?
