Breaking down in front of my counsellor scares me; but I must face this
I've been seeing my counsellor for about 10 months now & have reached a point where I know I need to let go in front of her. I have cried a few times but for me, doing that is just so difficult but I wish I could let it out. It does hold me back generally as in life I dont get much "me" time. Maybe if I had more time to myself, I would truly let go some time.
The only times I've really cried "properly" have been mostly when I'm on my way to work & once when I was at work & got a bit overcome & had to go for a walk to clear my head. I do wonder that instead of going to work & toughing it out, perhaps on those occasions I'd have been better off going home & just crying because my troubles were getting the better of me.
I know you cant dictate when your emotions well up & you cant just call on them like an actress. There's alot behind this for me - my family used to laugh at me if I cried - it was a male dominated household & tears werent considered "cool". Also, my mother would sometimes be kind & caring but then she'd turn on me. I never really knew what reaction I was going to get & sometimes when I most needed her, I got anger instead of understanding.
I have this image of a counselling session in which I get upset but then it's too much. So I want to just run away. Instead I stand in the corner of the room facing the wall. Then my counsellor comes to comfort me but I dont want to be touched so I react like "get off me". Or "dont touch me". But that's the opposite of what I want.
It's that moment of being touched. It would be like letting something go that is really scary.
I cant cope with rejection at all but actually I feel that by keeping people at a distance like this I'm doing the same thing to them & really not helping myself either. Its just I do fear what will happen if I let someone hug me & I really, properly cry. Its like having a lifetime of emotion hanging there but letting it out might release stuff I cant handle.
For years, when I've been feeling emotional about something, all I've wanted is someone to come & comfort me. Put their arm round me & let me cry on their shoulder. Its just the idea of that really scares me.
It makes me feel really peculiar. I guess that's because in moments like that I feel vulnerable & trusting someone is very difficult. Its bad enough showing emotions let alone allowing someone to touch me when I feel like that.
I feel that until I do this, I am not going to move on. I've worked very hard to face my abuser (in my mind; not in reality - I cant do that as he died). It's just I bottle it every session; I just cant let go because it scares me too much.
Funny, having put this down in writing, you'll all be saying to me "take this along & show your counsellor". It is my plan to tell her about this reaction I have in my "imaginery session". I know she wont think it peculiar I think about these things as she already knows I have imaginery sessions to help me deal with stuff.
Maybe having said this is my plan, I'll actually be able to do it. But those tears & the feelings I know this is going to evoke are off the scale of uncomfortable. I think also I'll feel really embarrassed. All this despite knowing there's nothing wrong with getting upset.
So far in counselling (unlike in therapy a decade ago) I have managed to show my vulnerable side but not really expose myself. I've managed to say stuff rather than have to hand it over in writing. I'm going to take this with me & hope I can say the words. I guess if not, it wont matter if I hand my bit of paper over.....
Taking what you've written with you sounds like a great idea.
I think it would be helpful for you to be able to talk to your counsellor about what might happen should you completely let go, both so you are comfortable and know that it's an acceptable thing to do, and so that she can find out what you think is the best way for her to respond to you. It will also let her set any boundaries that may be necessary.
Best of luck, this sounds like a really positive step :)
here's how it went in my session.....: I did manage to tell my counsellor all the things i planned to. I felt like a right ***** some of the time but knew if i was going to move on, i had to say it. i feel like there's a lifetime of emotions stuck in my head & if i can get them out i'll feel so much better.
having been conditioned by my family not to show emotions it seems seriously scary to cry in from of my counsellor but i have done it & did this morning. we discussed what stops me crying, why i fight it &how i do that. also what would happen if i really broke down. i felt like if she tried to hug me i'd run a mile. she said she knows i dont like being touched & wouldnt hug me. i now know that actually i'd quite like it if she did. maybe then i'd finally do this breaking down thing. its probably not such a big deal but as i've put it off for decades it feels like it is.
i told her about what i'd worked out to do with my boss as well. i've had a lifetime of being overlooked by people. people that dont care not even bothering to consider my feelings. But i also know that some people value me & i know they care about me. but i cant feel those things about myself having been walked all over by so many people who used me as a doormat & left their crap behind. so this is something we're going to work on.
well i told her i'm sick of being treated by some people like i dont matter. But when people are doing it i feel so weak & vulnerable, my emotions well up. then i feel like i cant face who ever it is. not even to tell them to be polite. if i can get past that i think i might be on a winner. its just learning to be strong for myself & not automatically want to cry as soon as something happens that triggers me.
i felt like i was going to bottle out of talking to her about all this at the beginning but it gradually all came out. i was surprised i did it but despite feeling qutie uncomfortable about disclosing some of it,i knew i just had to. i think thats one of the hardest parts of therapy/counselling when you directly discuss the relationship between you and your therapist. it cant get more personal & direct than that but honesty is critical. she was very kind too.
Since then I have had one occasion when I felt vulnerable & childlike which was this morning, I'd been a bit lame at home, not doing some stuff I said I would so my partner was (justifiably irritated at me). I did say "sorry" and got on with what i was meant to have done but i wish it didnt make me like I would burst with emotion. I though about bottling it up like I usually do but though no, that's not good.
Actually I did say sorry but my partner didn't stop the criticism. What I'd have liked to have said (calmly) was "I have said sorry now and I'm getting it done so can you lay off me please as I am getting upset."
This has happened lots of times before. It isn't helpful that she goes on. We did talk a bit more & I explained I lost track of time & I just feel so lacking in motivation at the moment.
We talked some more, she was upset to see me cry but at least we behaved like adults. We've got on fine since tho I have felt emotionally bruised all day. But I think some of it is needing to grow up on my part instead of reacting how I did when I was little.
so..........moving on....... today i saw my counsellor again and at one point i was talking about something that upset me. i was mindful of our conversations last week on the subject of what might happen if i cry. so today instead of fighting it i just sort of let it happen. i tried not to block my feelings or feel stupid. i did manage to keep talking ok & feel like i needed to run away or anything.
I just wanted to say well done for being able to discuss things more openly with your counselor, it's really good that you have :)
It's good you're trying not to block your feelings and letting yourself experience them as they happen. Well done.
How are you feeling now? It's been a couple of days.
Take care.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I think I would say I feel "more together" now. It's interesting, I was watching a TV program last nite with my partner & there was a storyline about a teenager whose mum died. Her mum had always let her down but then just when It looked like they were going to make it up, the mum got ill. I kept telling myself not to get upset, it's only a TV program but then I did. I am trying not to hide if i'm upset so I did cry in front of my partner. She knew I was going to do it anyway as she knew the storyline would be triggering. I think when I cry like that for someone else, it's almost like really I am doing it for myself (even if what makes me cry isn't the same as my story). Somehow I am sure it helps if you do cry.
we are now away for the weekend so although I am at times mindful of things, a change of scenery is good. Thanku for asking and for your kind words.
It's good you're becoming more open to crying in general. When I was growing up I felt unable to cry so when I started I'd watch films I knew could make me cry so I could for someone else.
I'm glad a change of scenery is feeling good.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Well, months down the line now, I have reached a point where I can cry & show my feelings much more openly n front of my counsellor. I was still feeling self-conscious about getting upset & also felt as if I needed her closer to me, that there was too much distance between us (same kind Of distance I have felt with people who were available to offer me comfort physically and appropriately but I couldn't bring myself to ask for it so I missed out.
After I left her office 3 sessions ago, I texted to ask if we could sit next to each other (instead of opposite & at a distance). She was happy with that.
I was very nervous about doing it but at least wanted to try, I knew my counsellor would see it as a huge breakthrough for me because physical closeness is a problem for me often. She was touched that i wanted tok feel closer (& relieved it wasnt because i wanted to avoid eye contact).
Ironically at the beginning, I could sense her nervousness too, I could hear her breathing. I learned something new about her that day, she is a human being not a god-like person. Perhaps seeing her as such will help me.
So now we have sat next to each other for 2sessions, first week I was very nervous & bottled showing my emotions that much, this week tho I did manage to do that. I cried alot as we were discussing an emotive subject.
Also I worry about getting close to people because I fear they'll leave or reject me, so even getting close to my counsellor feels scary. Of course i do know one day i wont b seeing her anymore. She wanted me to know that I matter to her & at the end she commented that she really does connect with me.
So I guess this last few months I have made huge progress & I wanted to share that in case it might help someone else know it is possible to Improve.
It's really good to hear you're able to be more open and honest in front of your counsellor and show your emotions better.
Well done for asking her about being closer - I know it must have been hard to ask but you did well and I'm glad she was able to agree to it.
It is important for you to remember that she is a human too; and I'm sure she had her own nerves over things - and wanted to help but not push you too far. Hopefully telling yourself that she's human just like you will help.
It is really good to hear that your therapist connects with you, and I hope she's able to keep working with you and helping you move forward.
Take care, and keep going.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
