I've had two really, really awful panic attacks within a couple of days of each other. Never had them that bad before- I was physically shaking so hard that I couldn't walk and my teeth were chattering and I couldn't breathe. When it happens I want to die.
Both times I panicked because I felt quite sick (I have emetophobia) but when I panic it makes me feel even MORE sick, like I'm about to retch, and it makes it worse.
The panic attack today happened when I was in the car going to my boyfriend's house. I was feeling sick in the car and then I panicked and it lasted for about 15 minutes. When I'd taken some diazepam and calmed a bit he brought me home.
I'm so frustrated at myself because I was looking forward to spending time with him so much, and already I've been spending less time at his flat due to anxiety, and he doesn't like coming to my house so much, and I'm terrified he'll get dissatisfied with the relationship and leave me.
He keeps saying it's okay and he loves me etc but I'm terrified. It can't be okay forever.
I am desperate to overcome this anxiety and move in with him but it feels like I'll never be able to do it.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life living with my mum because I'm too scared of doing anything else.
My life is getting smaller- I've left uni, I've moved OUT of my boyfriends (was there for uni). I already feel scared of going out alone in case I panic and faint/throw up.
I honestly would rather die than lose my boyfriend and have nothing.
I am so so so so so so scared.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Try not to think too hard about the relationship ending - it will cause more panic and further anxiety and be a self-propelling cycle.
Can you talk things through with your boyfriend and explain the concerns you have? I'm sure he'll be able to put your mind at ease a little.
I find when I have panic attacks it's helpful to have a bottle of cold water with me because a. it stops me feeling sick and b. it helps ground me.
Try to keep in mind that just because things are this way right now, it won't always be this way.
Take care <3
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Thanks. I talked to him and he said that he's sure I'll get through this and that he loves me.
I had to reduce my trazodone which I think is partly causing my extreme anxiety, so I'm working back up to a higher dose again which should hopefully take the edge off.
I've got an appointment with my CPN on monday but I feel to scared to go. I will ring and see if she can come to my house, but if she cant then I dont know what to do.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Hey lovely. I have panic attacks for the same reason so I know how difficult it is, especially as they make you feel worse and reinforce the idea that you might be ill.
I bought a really good book "living with it: a survivors guide to panic attacks" it's very simple and has comics all through it but helped me to reassure myself that the body is just reacting to stress and it will pass.
Also I know I've mentioned this before but I can't credit it enough, an app "stop panic and anxiety" has a greataaudio to help you in the middle of a panic attack. It isn't a relaxation, it's a lady calmly but firmly telling you things that are helpful to hear: the body can't sustain this forever, the terrible thing you think will happen won't, etc. I had several horrendous panic attacks in hospital upon learning a patient had gastro, I just listened to this on repeat and it really helped. Now some of the things pop into my head when I'm anxious so i don't end up in a panic attack. I hope you do try it out. It's best to listen to it during a panic attack, otherwise it might make you anxious.
There's an mp3 download as well if you Google "excel at life stop panic and anxiety"
You can get through this and things WILL get better.
All my love xx
I woke up about half an hour ago and already my stomach is tense and my muscles are tense.
I do not like living at home because of how my mum is being towards me, so home is not really 'safe' any more. I desperately want to be at my boyfriend's where it's calm and loving, only last night when I was there I had the horrendous panic attack and came home.
I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
It will get better. You are THE Queen of overcoming fears and you're so good at doing it gradually like it should be done. Remember how you got yourself from not riding trains at all to taking little trips and then more and more? That was so awesome. Maybe you could do something similar with getting back to your boyfriend's house (remembering to take baby steps and practice relaxation the whole way through).
I tried getting the app I think it's android only, but I got the audio from the website.
Thanks Amy. I want to do it in baby steps, but I'm worried it might be too slow for my boyfriend. I just want to be able to move in straight away!
I'm giving it a week or so to get my antidepressant back in my system and then I'll see if I can spend the day at his and see how I feel.
I might have to use diazepam at first, I used to take it before anxiety provoking situations and it'd mean I could deal with a bit of anxiety without having a full blown panic attack.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I think all that sounds like good plans. Sorry about the app but glad to find the audio.
I think if you explain to him why it has to be done slowly and carefully he will be supportive of you, and maybe gain some insight into what he can do to help recover from this bit by bit. It's okay to use Valium to help you back into the situation and make it more manageable. As you said it helps to deal with the little anxiety instead of the attack and hopefully help train your brain to know that you can handle the anxiety.
Also I don't know if this is a problem for you but I find anxiety really distorts my thoughts to things like "I'll never get better / I can't deal with this " etc that ultimately lead to into more panic. Practicing positive statements such as "I CAN beat this! This won't go forever" can help to counteract the negative thoughts. Worth being aware of them anyway.
I believe in you 100%
And wish you all the best with the antidepressant too x
Yeah I get really catastrophic thinking, and I start to imagine the worst case scenarios and it really doesn't help! I'm trying to keep hopeful. I beat anxiety before so I can do it again.
I've got to walk to my CPN appointment tomorrow and I'm really nervous.
I've only just stopped feeling dizzy and anxious today and it's 3.30pm.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Does anything help with walking somewhere? It helps me to have certain songs to listen to or something.
It's good you're trying to keep hopeful. I get the thoughts about worst case scenario - sometimes it helps before I have to do anything to make a spider diagram of all the worst case thoughts and what's happened when you've had them before - I find it help to remember I've got through the thoughts before and see that they didn't end up that bad.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Well done for making the walk, I know it can take a lot sometimes to do something like that.
Keeping busy is good :)
Sorry you're feeling sick again, does anything help with it at all? I find it helps to drink ice cold water or flat diet coke when I feel sick.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I'm sorry you've had a very difficult few days. I had my first (and hopefully last) panic attack this summer and it was a horrid experience. I was crying profusely and all I could think about was how I, and everyone around me, was going to die. It was awful.
I have very bad anxiety too. Sometimes I can't stop shaking and I feel so out of control I make myself sick to calm down. I think that's probably the opposite to you! Does diazepam work? I thought you wouldn't be able to take it when driving? What else do you do to help yourself? I find exercise useful.
It can't be okay forever.
It might be for him but maybe not for you. If you feel irritated, upset etc., it doesn't mean he feels the same way.
I hate how my anxiety limits my life still. I've stayed hidden away for years and lost so much time and experiences. I wish I could offer practical help...perhaps all I can say is that you have made a positive decision about uni. You didn't stop going to limit yourself further; you decided to not go to that particular uni because it is so far away and it became so tiring for you to go to it. Hopefully when you transfer you'll have more energy, feel less overwhelmed and you'll feel better in yourself. I hope this reminder helps you realise you are trying to move forward.
I am so so so so so so scared.
This is how I feel about life in general. Were you meaning it in that way or meaning that you're scared of becoming more restricted and limited in the future?
It's good you are recognising it. It hurts to do so but at least if you do you can make scary choices. I have had a long time where I wouldn't (and couldn't) recognise that my life had become so small because it was too scary/overwhelming to admit to it and then make those changes. It really angers me thinking about how much time I've lost....yet even just now, I was looking at the details of joining a new activity but became so upset and anxious that I can't even look at the webpage of the details let alone get out and go to it. I hate it so much. I know I have to just do it...but, like you,
Thanks for your reply! Diazepam does work but I am limiting myself with it because if I take it every single time I get anxious then I'll become dependent on it. I don't drive- my boyfriend drives me back to his! I do find exercise helpful, at the moment I've been going on 1-2 mile walks in big loops around my house. I like it because I listen to podcasts as I walk and it makes me feel good.
I do think stopping uni was a practical decision but also not great for my anxiety if you know what I mean. I had to stop because it was making me ill but at the same time it was the only thing getting me out of the house. So now I need to find new things to get me outside and socialising.
I can't transfer to the uni that's closer any more. I applied via UCAS and got rejected! So I'll be doing OU from october.
My CPN came to my house this morning as I felt too anxious to go there. We had a really good meeting and I actually feel really positive now!
She's going to refer me to coping skills/anxiety management and I'm probably going to get a support worker to help me out of the house and into situations that I want help dealing with like going to the supermarket, going into coffee shops, going on the bus etc plus my CPN will do that with me too so she said I should have someone to take me out at least 3 weeks out of 4.
She said that she likes my goal of wanting to be well enough to move in with my boyfriend by christmas and that she can see I want to do it. She said that it's important I build a life for myself in the town my boyfriend lives in so that when I move there I feel comfortable. She suggested finding adult education classes etc so I can make friends. She said that she can even take me over to the town so we can spend half a day there getting used to it!
She said that I need to keep going to my boyfriend's at the weekends and pretty much just getting through the panic attacks, because staying at home wont help my anxiety. I agree with her but obviously I am nervous about it!
I just cant believe that I'm being offered so much support. I've gone from nothing to this and I want to cry with relief! She said I've got to work my socks off but I will, I so badly want to recover and get my life back.
She said don't worry they wont discharge me until I'm ready! And that the CMHT in my boyfriend's town are brilliant so they will be able to transfer me there when I move.
So much to process and think about. I've got to write a list of things I want to do for next time we meet. She said she'd even take me swimming if I wanted to go!
My homework is to look at adult education classes and see if there's anything I fancy doing.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I just wanted to say well done for seeing your CPN; I know how anxious you were about it so I'm glad she came to yours.
It sounds like a really positive appointment and I hope it gives you lots to look forward to :)
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
It's good you're going to try to clear your head :) sounds like a good plan - got to make the most of it when it's not raining :P
Perhaps it'd help to do something nice and relaxing tonight to help with the anxiety?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I think that's a wise idea with Diazepam, I've heard it's addictive. You should learn how to drive! That would give you loads more independence...although thinking about it's probably anxiety provoking to learn (oh catch 22!).
I understand what you mean about uni actually. It was a practical and wise decision considering how ill it was making you but I guess it was a good excuse to have to force yourself out the house. I'm the same with work...sometimes it makes me more ill but I think without it I'd lack routine and be even further screwed. I guess it's knowing our limits. It's really rubbish you got rejected via UCAS - did they say why? Can you appeal? At least you can do the OU for the time being. That's such a shame, sorry.
If you get any ideas about coping skills/anxiety management be sure to post about them because I'd be eager to learn too! I think it's great you're going to get a support worker to help you get out of the house and doing a few things out and about. Once you have a few places you feel comfortable going to I'm sure you'll feel better in yourself....more independent etc. It's amazing how being able to go get a coffee on your own, even if you can't manage anything else, makes you feel more 'normal' (hate that word!). I like being able to sit with other people even if I have no one to sit with...yet.
I think it's a good idea to keep going to your boyfriend's house even if you have panic attacks too. Don't let it limit you! It's a lot easier said than done, true....but with support you can do it. Small steps...maybe start with going there, then staying an afternoon, then a day etc.
I'm so glad you've been offered the support you need. And I am so pleased that you appreciate and recognise this is such an amazing opportunity for you. I know it is not going to be an easy journey for you and there'll be steps back as well as steps forwards...but as long as you're heading in the right direction. It's even better you have some goal/idea of where you're heading!
She said she'd even take me swimming if I wanted to go!
Haha. How interesting...with my anxiety that would be a definite no go!
My homework is to look at adult education classes and see if there's anything I fancy doing
I'd be interested in what you find. I've found these types of classes really helpful because they offer structure, common things to talk about and bond over without being too academic.
Does diazepam work? I thought you wouldn't be able to take it when driving? What else do you do to help yourself? I find exercise useful.
