Contains sexual abuse - Muru's story - I need support, please

[Muruluisku]

I'm quite new to this site... But very impressed with how people are so kind and caring towards each other and take the time to comment and offer support and comfort. I'm going to try and share my story bit by bit in a hope that the flashbacks will lessen when they find a voice. Support and comments are very much appreciated.
TRIGGER WARNING******************************************* ****************************TRIGGER WARNING

My first memory of being hurt came to me when I got my medical records from my old family surgery in Finland to take with me when I moved away to Uni in England. My eyes caught a doctor's statement a few months before my fourth birthday. It said my mum brought me to see a doctor after I'd refused to go to toilet and she discovered blood in my underwear. The observation bit said the doctor had not performed a physical exam as I had been extremely uncooperative and distressed. The diagnosis was a likely infection/irritation and I was prescribed antibiotics. This was 80's and in a small town where CSA would have been a complete tabo.

Reading that bit took me right back:

"It's evening but before bed time. Mummy has gone to her evening study class and I'm with daddy. He took me along to grandma's house across the road for a chat with grandma. Adults talking is really boring and I wander off to the guest bedroom where the bed is covered with cuddly teddies and other soft toys. I have been watching Silver Fang - an anime cartoon where a brave silver coloured puppy Gin and his pack of dogs fought a big bad bear Akakabuto. It was a scary programme and the favourite of my big boy cousins. I climbed on the high bed and picked up a light coloured husky dog puppy and a big brown teddybear. Playing out the scenes I'd seen on telly was exiting but not as scary as watching them.

I hear the bedroom door behind me close, I look up and see dad's and grandma's friend who I call uncle. He comes to sit on the foot of the bed and asks if he can play with me. I'm shy and don't want to talk to him so I say nothing. I look at the door and wonder why it's closed. Uncle puts a special rubbery sheet on the foot of the bed, I know my little boy cousin has that kind of sheet in his bed because he still wets the bed. The baddie uncle lifts me onto the sheet.... I have yellow knickers.... I hold the silver puppy.... It wants to run away, it doesn't want to fight the big bad bear anymore.... The silver puppy can't run fast enough, the big bad bear is too strong.... It hurts so much, more than when I fell off the swing, more than when I knocked my head in my bedroom drawer, more than when I had a stomach bug, it hurts it hurts it hurts so much but I have no words to describe it. Are words important? Maybe it's not real if you don't have words to describe it? The silver puppy is very tired, it wants to sleep and never wake up.

The baddie uncle uses a wet flannel to take the hurt away. He puts my yellow knickers on me and wraps me in a blanket. The silver puppy is so very tired, I tell him it's okay, the big bad bear is gone and we can sleep and never wake up.

I do wake up.. Still wrapped in a blanket daddy carries me home. I didn't want to wake up, I screw my eyes shut tight. Daddy puts me on my bed. It hurts to move, the flannel didn't take the hurt away after all.

I wake up and it's light. I need a weewee, it hurts to get up but I do and go to toilet and pull my yellow knickers down. They are RED, I know it's blood and it's sticky. I'm scared. The baddie uncle made a hole in me. I can't go weewee because if I do my insides might fall into the toilet through the hole that the baddie uncle made. I go back into my room and climb in my bed, I pull the covers over my head. I AM SCARED.

Mummy comes into my room and wakes me up. I don't want to get out of bed but she tells me I'll be in trouble if I don't. She told me I was already in trouble for refusing my dinner last night. But I don't like fish, I worry about the bones and that makes my tummy tight and not hungry. Is that why the baddie uncle hurt me? He said I was in trouble, is that what he meant? I don't want to be in trouble again,so I get up even though it hurts. Mummy puts my day clothes on the bed and gets me changed, only she stops when she sees the sticky red on my yellow knickers. I HATE YELLOW KNICKERS. She asks "what is this?" but I don't say anything, I have no words. Maybe mummy hasn't got words for it either, why would she ask otherwise? If no one has words for it, maybe it's not even invented and it didn't happen?

Mummy puts me into the car and we drive to doctor's. She takes me in and talks to the doctor. I'm not listening because I'm looking through all the stickers, I wonder if I could have two because it's really hard to choose just one. The doctor picks me up and puts me on a high bed. The bed is hard and I'm scared. The doctor rolls up my dress and starts taking off my tights. I start kicking and screaming, I don't want to hurt again, not again, no no no! The doctor will hurt me like the baddie uncle, I don't want the hole any bigger or I'll die. I hate yellow knickers! The silver puppy can't be tired now, he has to come and rescue me he has to!

The doctor lifts me off the bed and I run to mummy. I want to go home. Mummy takes me back home in the car. When we get home I remember I didn't get my sticker. I was naughty, that's why. Good girls don't kick or scream, or refuse their dinner even when it's fish. I want to be good, please God our Daddy let me be good."
************************************************** ************************************************** ****************************************

This memory came flashing back and felt like it was just happening when I saw the doctor's report. I'm sorry I've written it so childish. I struggle with words to talk about it any other way.

I feel numb but a bit lighter after writing this out. I'll try to go to sleep soon, and maybe tonight I won't wake up screaming and kicking... I still haven't learned how to be good.

<3: Muru

[Patent Pending]

Hi Muru,

Welcome to RYL! I hope you find this place supportive.

I am so very sorry you went through all this. Reading it brought tears to my eyes <3 There are no words to comfort you, but I read, and I care.

It is okay to write however you feel comfortable here; we all understand how hard it is. You've been amazingly brave for opening up about it, and I admire your strength.

I'm glad you feel a little lighter after writing it. I hope giving it all a voice here helps you.

All I can say, is you did nothing wrong, and you're not naughty or anything like that.

If you ever find you need to talk, please feel free to PM me.

x x x

[Muruluisku]

Thank you so much Mix Tape for your kind message, it was really comforting, so don't worry about writing any particular words of wisdom or comfort. And I'm sorry to make you cry...although it's comforting to know there are people here who care *safe hug*

I've got quite a few bad places that my head goes off to..different flashbacks. I have recently felt that I'd like to write them out of my head and see if other people think I'm bad..like I tend to think..or if people could give me alternative ways of thinking...and maybe that would help me to stop feeling like I'm bad to the core.

<3: Muru

[Patent Pending]

Hey honey,

Don't worry about making me cry - I just felt so deeply for you <3

I think it might help for you to write these things out here.

The thing with abuse, is that we're made to feel like we're the ones in the wrong. That we've done something to warrant the abuse. This is NOT the case though. Nothing warrants abuse. At all.

I spent years believing it was my fault, and that I was a bad person - and it's taken a lot of work to stop thinking this way. I hope you're able to see another way though.

As I said before, if you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me.

x x x

[ajrocks]

I'm so sorry that happened to you.
You are not to blame at all EVER!
I know it's hard to believe that but I promise it's true,It should not have happened,he should not have done that and it's not your fault.
I hope writing will help you a bit-Have you looked in the creative corner? a lot of people have written stories or poetry like this you may find it helpful to read.

[Muruluisku]

Thank you for all the hugs guys *drawing comfort from them*

And thanks for your kind message AjRocks, I'll go an explore in the creative corner :)

MixTape *shuffling to sit nearer to you* I'm sorry you were also made to feel that you're bad... It's encouraging to know that you found a way out and feeling different now, gives me hope :)

<3: Muru

[Epicene]

This was so incredibly saddening to read, but I am pleased for you that writing helped you process things. It's very brave of you and incredibly articulate, given how traumatic the event was. I promise that nobody would think bad things of you. It was not your fault at all, and I think everyone would just feel very sorry that you had to go through something like that.

[Muruluisku]

Thank you Shed, for your comment and for not thinking badly of me.

I guess my descriptions are vivid as they feel like they're happening now when I remember, and my mind goes to a bad place... How is it possible to remember so vividly when I was so little? My other, happy childhood memories are nowhere near as clear as these ones... Have I got a sick, twisted mind?

<3: Muru

[Epicene]

There is nothing wrong with your mind; trauma has a huge impact on peoples' memories and emotions, but it doesn't mean you are sick or twisted. Some people find that they remember traumatic events in great detail (or re-experience them in the form of flashbacks), and others experience almost complete memory loss and dissociation. Either can be very distressing.

If you are able, it may be worth spending some time thinking about your happier memories and really focusing on the details that you do remember. Sometimes it can be helpful to have positive mental images to counteract the distressing ones.

[Muruluisku]

Thanks for the tip Shed, maybe I could dig my old photo album and see if looking happy pictures help :)

<3: Muru