I just want to do things my way

ccjg · 23-01-2014, 09:39 PM

My mum is very controlling, of most things I do to be honest. I have tried, quite a few times, to assert my own independence but to be honest I'm not very confident and she frightens me so I tend to just do what she wants. It makes me sad when she talks about how she wants to look after my children when I eventually have children. I so want her to let me do things my way but she never has - never let me choose my own clothes, or food, or degree, or lifestyle choice, or the jobs I apply for.

When I applied for a PGCE she was so angry, I actually think she was delighted when I didn't get into the course at Oxford - when that happened she sat down and looked for MA courses and shouted at me when I said I didn't want to apply for them, I wanted to do a PGCE. In the end I applied for the MA's (and did an MA, and now doing a PhD) just to keep the peace. And because she said that was what she wanted.

I find it heartbreaking but I'm too frightened of her to make things stop. Just today I applied for a job at university as a student caller and when I told her on the phone she just exploded. Said that it was an immoral and selfish position to apply for and that she was disappointed and angry with me, when all I really want is to earn my own money for once... She goes on often enough about me sponging off her, I really just want some money of my own... I can never go out for birthday meals or cinema trips, or even clothes shopping, and I want that freedom. But she just cages me constantly. I'm 23 now and I'm too old to be controlled by her, but she won't listen. I'm so sad.

kbeth · 23-01-2014, 10:46 PM

My mom and I used to have a relationship kind of like that--I always did what she wanted me to and I let her walk all over me. If you wait for your mother to change, you'll be controlled by her forever. You have the right to do what you want to with your life. If your mother is upset by that, that's her problem. It's hard because the relationship with your mom is really important to you--it's natural to want your mother to be happy with what you do. But it's not worth giving your life away for. Maybe your mom will eventually get happy with your actions, and maybe not. Either way, at least you'll know you're your own person. For me, it also helps to get support from other people besides my mom. I do miss having my mom's support; like you said, it's sad. But I'm happier now than I was when I let her control me. It takes time, but maybe you can start by making little choices for yourself?

Steel Maiden · 24-01-2014, 12:28 PM

My mum was controlling to the point of abuse. I left home at 19 and I have not spoken to her or seen her for over two years now out of choice. Finally I have independence.

Copernicus · 28-01-2014, 04:34 AM

I do think this is extremely controlling -even at 13/14 I was allowed to chose my own food(vegetarian), my clothes & my GCSE subjects.

You probably need to put some distance between you and her to start making your own choices.(I'm guessing you don't live at home so maybe phone less often?) You may never get her to listen, so in standing up for yourself you may have to live with her being angry or disappointed or making you feel guilty.

I think you should do it anyway, because you don't have much chance of happiness with someone else running your life. I imagine this could be difficult and you may want to seek some support from a counselor to make the changes.
x

Lemon Cake · 28-01-2014, 05:17 AM

Get a job and get out. Parents are so much nicer from a distance. That is serious amounts of control. Her not wanting you to get a job seems like her not wanting to lose that control. So long as she supplies the money she has all the power. Even the guilt she lays on you about it is a weapon of control.

beautiful_seclusion · 30-01-2014, 03:42 AM

Her behavior is downright abusive. She's not going to change until you force her to. You really have to become financially independent and then tell her she either accepts your choices or doesn't speak with you. I know that's not easy, but you will be miserable until you do. If you can't get financially separate, there may also be shelters to look into. What she's doing is no different than if an intimate partner were controlling you. Do you have any outside support that could help you stand up to her? Are you afraid of her emotionally or also physically as well? If it's the latter, you could consider involving police. This really is extreme and wrong and you don't deserve to live like this.