Contains Suicide - How can this be my life? *POSSIBLE SUICIDE TRIGGER*

[teachit]

So, on Halloween I went for my first appointment with a psychiatrist. She did a really great intake no stupid form she actually talked with me. She suggested the mental hospital and I agreed, so I went in for treatment. The hospital was the same one I had been in before but it was so different. Honestly, the only thing it did was make me feel even guiltier for how I feel. The groups really sucked and there was barely any one on one talking with a professional.

So, I got out yesterday. Tomorrow I have to go to my HR and try to get my FMLA paperwork filled out and I am scared because if they don't approve it I think I may be in danger of losing my job.

I have an ppt with my psychologist on Tuesday and my intake with the group therapy on Wed.

I didn't call and tell my dad & step-mom. I talked to my dad yesterday and my step mom today. They were pissed but tried to be understanding.

I was diagnosed again with Bipolar but this time they said NOS/II. I did some research and think it may be right. Before I only thought I had PTSD and somehow that felt better. Like it was something other and I could get over it and be healthy. This diagnosis makes me feel inherently flawed and I know I will have to manage it the rest of my life.

I am still having suicidal thoughts. When I think of having to go back to work or think about my mom too much or how much of a burden I am on everyone.

I am doing everything I can but honestly this seriously feels like too much. How can this be my life? Spending my days trying not to harm myself?

[a_seething_one]

Wow.... I don't have much to offer, but I will relay what I've been told by a psychiatrist about bi-polar. He said that there definitely is hope, especially in regards to a recovery. Especially with bipolar II. I have that as a diagnosis. It's treatable, and it's not as if you're damaged goods for the rest of your life or anything.

It's not much, but I hope it helped some. <3

[teachit]

thank you very much for responding. I'm hoping to fee better about it eventually. Just feeling in general poopy about everything so...

When your psychiatrist said recovery did he mean off meds and being normal or managing it?

[teachit]

Honestly, I know I lurk here a lot. But I honestly try to post support, een just hugging. I am so grateful apomixis and a couple others who have been able to give me support. But 54 people viewing and 1 person responding and not one hug. I am concerned that RYL is not what it was anymore.

Maybe I do not have room to talk, considering I just post support for people when I am able and don't do chat hardly at all. And I forget the threads I posted in and such but god I feel poopy about this.

This is one of the only places I actual talk about my real stuff and I feel kind of rejected. Although it is kind of ludicrous I am almost a 30 year old woman. But I guess that is my problem huh?

[Unbreakable.]

Hi there,

your situation sounds quite distressing, it seems there are several issues to tackle at once. I don't have any advice for work related issues, but I hope it gets sorted and that you don't lose your job due to your illness.

I just wanted to say that your diagnosis doesn't mean you will feel the way you do right now for the rest of your life. Bi-Polar can be well-managed with the right treatment, and you can lead a good life with it, too. I think it requires a lot of effort to get there, and is probably hard to work on, but it doesn't mean that you will feel miserable for the rest of your life.
I understand the feeling of being "flawed" as such without a chance of it going away. I am diagnosed with BPD, and at times it makes me hopeless. But I also know that with the right treatment and hard work things improve. Please don't feel completely discouraged to try and work on things.

About the lack of replies: I think most of the time people just don't know what to say/don't have any practical advice and only could say what already has been said. It is hard to come up with things to say when people suffer.
A LOT of people feel they don't get as many replies as they would like to, but as hard as it is, I think there are no reasons to take it personal. I made a thread not too long ago and only got few replies, none of which I found to be helpful in the way I would have liked. The reason for that is that people could not provide the support that I had hoped for, and mostly didn't know what to say.

Also: your thread is just two days old, it is unlikely for ANY thread to get a lot of replies in that short amount of time, regardless of how many people have read it.

[teachit]

Alpha,
Thank you so very much. You are right about the replies. I was just in a very I don't know childlike place.

Thanks for the reply about BPD. From your reply it sounds like it can be manageable. It just sucks :(

[Unbreakable.]

I think it is understandable that sometimes we feel disappointed by not getting as much support as we hope to. It's important thought to be able to take a step back and realize that there is a number of reasons why that is so and that it has nothing to do with us personal.

I'm not sure if it was clear, but when I say BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder and not Bi-Polar Depression/Disorder. I just mentioned it as another example for a diagnosis that people assume will rule and ruin their entire life. Also, just the term "Personality Disorder" makes it feel so, so personal and like something inherent in your very being. But people manage to reduce symptoms and behaviors and lead normal lives with it.
I have no personal experience with bi-polar but from what I know and what I've seen around her it is possible to lead a good life once the right combo of meds and therapy is found.

[Slip]

I don't have a lot to offer in terms of advice but I do understand wondering 'how can this be my life?' & I just wanted to share xx

[Kahlia1981]

I can't add much that hasn't already been said but I wanted to let you know I have read this. I have been diagnosed with both schizo-affective disorder (bipolar type) and DID (dissociative identity disorder) and, but for spending two weeks in hospital three to four times a year for ECT I live an almost normal life. I take medication and I have the ECT treatment - something I hope that you never have to have - but I'm studying at uni, helping to start a Clubhouse (http://www.iccd.org/whatis.html) in my town and am now happily married and trying to have children. We are looking into me having maintenance ECT so I don't have to go into hospital for more than one morning a month, and I'm over 5 years SI free. I may not be medication or treatment free but my illness doesn't completely run my life. My apologies if none of this helps you, but all I'm trying to say is that even on meds we can manage to live and not harm ourselves. Don't give up on yourself. *hugs*

[teachit]

Wow. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

Alpha - Personality disorder does feel kind of personal like almost defining who I am. Also, usually no one gets my jokes and in my first group session I made everyone laugh a few times. Maybe you just need a personality disorder to get me ... Also, thank you again for checking back. I am bad at that.

Slip - THANK YOU SO MUCH just that is amazing and thoughtful and helps so much

Khaliah - whoa with all that going on and you are offering me support?!?! THANK YOU SO MUCH

I went to my first group therapy session today and am feeling good about it. I want my medication changed though because if in the future I want to have kids I need to be on something else. I am on Lamictol and Zyprexa. Anyone know of anything to sugest?

[teachit]

Today was my first group session with the regular therapist. THe group is pretty large. We mostly checked in. Tomorrow we are going to work on making friends with our emotions. Super scared. I only was feeling like a danger to myself for a few hours today. I have an appointment on the 25 with the school district doctor. Someone from the gorup who I was in the hispital with too offered to drive me which was nice. My "safe" zone is my neighborhood right now and it still takes a lot out of me to get to places in my neighborhood right now. I am hoping that I am able to expand it.

I am so scared the school district doctor is going to say nothing is wrong with you, go to work.

I also am having REALLY strong urges to SI. It sucks.

[Unbreakable.]

I am glad to see you feel positive about group therapy, and well done for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. That must have been hard to do.

When are you seeing the doctor? Try not to be too nervous- be open about what is going on with you and he surely will see that you are distressed and need support and time to recover.

I hope you managed to stay safe despite the urges. Do you have any coping strategies that you use to fight off urges?

[teachit]

I am not feeling as positive about group anymore. The group is really large. Today was friends and family day and there were 19 people in attendance. There were only 3 freinds and family people, so 16 in the group. I am going to talk to the group leader about her DBT group and other possible groups.

I also contacted some grief support groups. I will be getting some information in the mail about one and am waiting to hear back from the others.

I made an appointment for tomorrow with the psychiatrist I saw the day I was admitted. The psychiatrist through the light program is not going to see me until mid december. Rather far away considering the symptoms I have. Also, I have a weird spot on my toe. Lamictal is known to cause a flesh eating rash so that has me concerned. Also, considering how I feel most days it and the Zyprexa are doing nothing for me.

Also, my mother in law got some bad news and we had to take her to the hospital tonight. SHe was in a lot of pain. Her cancer is causing a fluid build up in her abdomen and she also has a hernia. We are hoping that she will be getting drained. And my father in law did not get a form in time so he has to reschedule his stress test for his heart.

Today sucked at group. Due to the size wounds were ripped open and then not even sutured before we left. I had a lot of things come up about my mom today. We also were talking about forgiveness and self-blame. Other touchy topics for me.

I have decided to start baking. That is helping urges. I also have been doing some art and writing. I wish the urge were gone. I hate the feeling of WORKING so HARD to stay safe. Even if it is just staying near my husband or staying in a room away from things.

[teachit]

I went to see the financial advisor for my mom today. And I went to the psychiatrist. I also spent the night at my gmom's because she had fallen and couldn't care for herself. I am tired. But All I want to do is stay up and hurt myself more. I weighed myself today and my medicine has made me gain a nunch of weight in two weeks. I feel disgusting I am going to go on a new medicine but I still feel disgusting. I want to vomit. I also hurt myself and it didn';t help. I wish it did. I hate myself so much. All I keep thinking about is hurting myself or killing myself right now. or vomitting. I can;t stand to be around myself.

I hate that I am such an awful wife. I hate that I am an awful friend. I hate everything. I hate that I am disgusting. I hate that because I am in my husband's life he lost so monay peopel if we had never met I would probably be dead already but he would only be having to deal with his mom having cancer not everyone around us dying.

[Kahlia1981]

I can tell you, as a wife, that you are not an awful wife, that you are not an awful friend and that it is not your fault people around you are dying, but I realise that, right now, this can be hard for you to believe. The hatred you are feeling will feed off all your negative emotions. You may not believe me but you are a good person and you have the right to live without all these negative emotions, and the right to be happy. I know.... easy to say. From what I have read above you have been trying to fight and trying to find forms of distraction that work for you. Try and keep that up, as hard as it is at present and as useless as this may seem. This may sound stupid but can you talk to the group coordinator and tell her that yesterday you felt that your wounds were being ripped wide open and time wasn't taken to allow you to heal? It seems, from reading your posts, that this has had a very large negative effect on you and perhaps even adding to the self-hatred. The only other thing I can say is that healing takes both time and effort, although we all privately wish it would be fixed with a snap of our fingers. *safe hugs*

[little-elf]

No advice but popping in to give hugs and to let you know if you ever need to talk or to vent then feel free to PM me, my internet access can be a bit iffy and I sometimes suck at checking threads but if you ever message then I'll get back to you as soon as I get it. Above all stay safe and remember how strong you are to have made it this far xxx

[teachit]

Kahlia - I did speak to the counselor because today was the same thing. I spoke to her after group. She said she is going to try and make sure there is a closure activity and speak to the art therapist about some ideas because that group went well when the art therapist lead it. She also said she wants to do some guided imagery imitation. And thank you for the words of encouragement.

Little Elf - thank you very much, I appreciate the support

Today was awful. Group was terrible again today. When I began to share someone walked out, someone showed up late, and a bunch of people got up to get chocolate from the table. So, I just said I was done instead of cursing everyone out. The group leader checked in about what happened with me after the break. I told the group that it was rude that as I began to share about my mother in law who has cancer and with everyone knowing that my mom died of cancer and that it was my turn to have the floor. I also told them that I do my best to be respectful and attentive. I had to check in with my gmom today and she was doing better but she told me that my gpop was having a hard time breathing before he went to get a blood transfusion due to his cancer.
I honestly am so frustrated I am trying to do everything and nothing is working. I did start a new medication today was the first day I am on abilify now instrad of zyprexa. I feel fat and disgusting. I honestly want to stay in bed and do nothing. I guess that is an improvement over earlier today when I was thinking about taking a bunch of pills.

It is seriously getting too difficult to be me. And how did I even get released from the hospital. I saw that my goal was 3 days without suicidal thoughts. THat has not happened yet. I have not had two or one day. I feel like I am in a battle and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to just leave my husband and go away. That way I can't hurt him and he can be free of me. And then if I kill myself he won't have to find me. What keeps me from suicicde is the idea that I may fail. I have failed before and it is one of the worst feelings I have ever had. And then what. What if I don't succeed. Then I have to live with the shame of that and the anger from my husband. The truth is if I knew I would be able to do it and actually die, I would do it. But I cannot guarentee that I will succeed.

So, now instead I am either eating too much or hardly anything. Hurting myself and trying not to kill myself. Isn't that fun?

[teachit]

I guess today was better than yesterday. My husband and I went to lunch with my dad and my step mom which was nice. A little uncomfortable when they were talking to me about therapy but I tried to be honest.
My husband has been getting frustrated with me. He wants me to snap out of it. And I wish I could.
I feel a bit better today and did not spend most of the day on suicide on self harm thoughts so that is good. I honestly am scared about Thanksgiving. It is Thursday. And I am not better.

[teachit]

A little scary thing. Have been thinking about purchasing a gun. This concerns me.

[teachit]

I talked to my therapist about the researching a gun. She wanted to talk to my husband. I also talked to my husband not about that particulary but about how awful I have been feeling and I feel better. She talked to him about how concerned she was. Hopefully, things will get better.