Contains Suicide - Honesty? *possible Suicide and SI triggers*

[teachit]

So I went to my therapist today and really told her how I was feeling. I think she was conflicted about letting me leave after what I spoke to her about. And I really want to hurt myself. Don;t think I want to kill myself right now. I am concerned that if I hurt myself and go into her on thursday she will commit me. But honestly I feel like the break would be welcome and then maybe everyone would know I was a real ****ing mess.

I dunno. I just feel like if I do hurt myself, I don't know if I should tell her or not.

I also don't want my husband to know if I do either. But honestly I feel ike if I keep not hurting myself I am going to end up trying to kill myself. But is that a bad thing? I don;t know right now. I just feel so awful. I feel like a whiny teenager and feel like no one understands. I feel isolated, alone and misunderstood. I am 29 yrs old. This is not ok

[teachit]

So I ended up Si'ing not terribly compared to past but still. 5 years down the drain. Help

[EMH]

hey. i totally understand when you said if you dont self harm you might end up trying to kill yourself. i was asked this a few days ago by my therapist and i said self harming has probably prevented me from getting more worse in the past.

if you want to go to hospital, why not ask her if she can refer you? from being in hospital myself in the past, its almost like it stops time. it keeps you safe, and you dont need to worry about normal life things, you can completely shift your focus.

it is also best if you try and be as honest as you can with her. that way she can help you best, and if you need medical treatment for your cuts you can get it.

sorry if im not helping. am around for a bit incase you need to chat. X

[teachit]

thanks so very much for the reply I was really feeling badly about not having a reply :( Yours was very thoughtful :)
. I have been in the hospital 3 times before but when I was younger. The last time I was 22 I think. I am now 29. It just feels awful to be back in this place. I have more coping skills now but honestly, researching suicide is porbably not very healthy but it is all I want to think about.

I mean who does that?!?!? I am going to be honest with my therapist and now psychiatrist tomorrow. But I wish I felt I could be honest with my husband. He has so much going on, I don't want him to be mad or wrried about me. I just don't feel ready to tell him, but hate keeping it from him. I don't know if I need to be in the hospital but honestly I think it is getting to that point.