Just Scares

[LittleCloud]

I don't really think I can beat this. It is in everything I do. I feel so worthless. Anorexia has eaten into everything I do. I'm not sure what is left that is just my own. I'm sorry for even wasting space

[LittleCloud]

Exhausted. Lots of work- 16 of the last 24 and thinking so constantly about what I can and cannot allow myself to eat. I promised my counsellor I'd try nurture myself- eat more, work on my garden for self-care... all I feel like is a big, fat FAIL. I want to rip, tear, be anywhere but inside myself tonight. My partner is upset and it feels my fault for not being able to escape this family hell that's been our lives this past month. I feel uncomfortable with what I ate today- I can't do this. Any support welcome. I just feel exhausted and alone. I hate even more that I need to reach out to anyone right now

[lottybear]

I'm sorry your struggling so much right now. I'm really low on words. But I'm thinking of u and if u ever want to talk just message me
Take care x

[LittleCloud]

Thanks Lottie, it feels better just to hear from someone. I'm struggling so much physically and mentally to keep up. Today is probably the most I've eaten in a few days. I think my body just can't keep up sometimes. I hate the anxiety eating causes and it makes me feel more rage and frustration than I have words for to need anything, as much as I know how unsafe this is in reality. I hate that my friends are watching me to see what I eat; I hate that it doesn't matter enough for me not to hurt them. I am exhausted... I don't really know where to go with this- in real life I am vibrant, passionate about my job as a support worker and have a fairly wicked sense of humour, but inside this monster is eating me alive. I promissed my counsellor I would make another doctors appointment. I don't really want to, but I know I need to

[LegoGirl]

I hope you can make your doctors appointment.

It's a good thing you have eaten some more. I know it doesn't seem like it but it is.

Keep fighting.

[LittleCloud]

Thanks- I'll keep fighting. Just feels like a losing battle at the moment. Food feels like poison to my mind and no matter what I just have no energy. Didn't make the doctor's appointment either . Sometimes it all just feels like some perverse situation I am watching... I hate when I see pity or fear in my own or others eyes . I did eat today, which is something though

[LittleCloud]

Some positives. I went to the doctors- ate lunch before and whether it's a positive or a negative (I'm not sure which I think- I find it very triggering) I have not lost as much weight as I thought. I hate this with a passion- at least part of me does and eating has been tough since then- but I also have a referral to the community dietitian who should be free to see. I don't know how I'll cope with eating more... every time I eat today my stomach has been painful and unsettled. I hate this; I HATE THIS!!! I want to lose more- I hate to feel any fat and it makes A-Rex smile when I see bones and muscles close to the surface. A-Rex fights every mouthful. It hurts to hear my partner push me to eat- I wish I could tell him how much it hurts. It frightens me that my friends are pushing me to eat also- I feel like I haven't lost any weight. It is so confusing!! I don't know how much more I can eat- it feels like too much at the moment!!!! Any support welcome- I feel so alone

[LittleCloud]

I can't really see the way forward. Walking blind

[LittleCloud]

Recovery is tough and I am so tired, so much of the time. I don't know if I can get better. I'm really scared of gaining weight but I don't have much energy to do exercise. On the days I'm not working I'm going to try to do more walking to build up my stamina. I am trying to build up the food I eat and it terrifies me that I will just gain weight. I'm not underweight- just in the lower end of healthy. I feel safe with what I have now