|
Contains abuse - RANT: Just depressed and apathetic towards getting better
Been abnormally depressed today, my depression has been really good for the past few years, while the anxiety has skyrocketed and I hate to talk to people or leave the house alone. I think I feel depressed today because I'm realizing I don't really want to change. I don't want to deal with my anxiety and get out of the house because what's the point? There's no job opportunities in this stupid bilingual city of mine, and would just freaking lose it if I moved away from my mom. I just want a small apartment to call my own (with BF of course) and have a cat and try to do something online where I don't have to go out and be overwhelmed and struggle so freaking hard to say the right freaking thing only to muck it up anyway. I'm not just making up bull anxieties, it's happened for everything I do work related, I can never please, never do things right, and I just shut down.
There's so many things I want to fix, but not for me. For others. My mom wants me to get out, experience the life I'm missing, but I don't really care. I want my own place, but I can't do with with what I get in disability.
I also feel guilty that I can't be sexually active for my BF, who is so patient but I mean, I don't see that changing, I never ever have wanted or really desire sex. To do it now would be traumatizing. I wasn't abused sexually, but was dealt with inappropriately, don't really know if it has to do with it or if I just never want it. I wouldn't care if it wasn't for the fact that he suffers, he doesn't get the intimacy that he craves. I know he won't leave, but I still feel like he deserves better. I just don't need as much socially, and get so overwhelmed when there's too much of it, even from the people I love.
I just feel like nobody cares, don't have any good friends since they've all moved on and I'm just not there. I think I felt closer to them then they did to me, which hurts because I struggle to make friends, and I have no place to find new ones.
I understand my mom cares, but I just keep disappointing her, and after this huge fight we had (I believe because of how severe my PSM symptoms are getting, the mood swings are out of control) our relationship is falling apart. My BF is so amazing, I just feel a lot of the time like I don't get the emotional support I need from him. He tries, but he doesn't know what to say and my mind discards it because I feel like he's just pitying me and saying stuff that strangers could say.
I just have no goal, I want a job, but not enough to endure the amount of stress I KNOW I'll endure. Even thinking about getting a job is horrid, I want to be responsible and move out but I don't feel like I can cope with any of the stress that will come because of it.
Going to talk to my therapist about it, I really like him but don't feel like he 100% gets me or what to do about this.
|
