I've been in this hospital nearly 10 months. I'm due to leave at the end of November. By the time I leave I would have completed three rounds of DBT. I have reduced my self-harming behaviour but this is because of the behaviour incentive plan (BIP) that is in place i.e if I self-harm my ipod, laptop or TV would be taken for a certain amount of days. Obviously I don't want to lose these things therefore I don't self-harm. Everyone thinks it's a great achievement not to have self-harmed since February and I guess it is but I know that I will probably return to self-harm and I still see suicide as an option.
There are many things that I need to be doing but I'm not e.g having unescorted leave, doing voluntary work, self-medicating, having overnight leave, finding accommodation and transitioning from here to there. Two months isn't that long to be able to do all of the above and I am worrying that it's all going to come at once or not at all.
My social worker has given me four different accommodation options with various amounts of support. I don't want much support when I return to the community so I will have to choose going back to my Dad's and seeing my social worker weekly as the other accommodation options came with too much support. Going back to my Dad's will be difficult for many reasons including the fact that we fell out a few weeks ago re: sectioning and I haven't spoken on the phone to him since. It might be difficult to call him and say I'm coming home.
My Mum used to be a good source of support but I haven't spoken to her in a few weeks and I don't get the feeling she wants much to do with me right now.
I don't have any friends.
I don't really know what to do or how to move things on.
I'd really appreciate any support/advice.
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
I know it can be very daunting, leaving hospital after a long admission.
Why don't you feel like you want to be in a more supportive place when you leave hospital? Have you discussed your feelings with the staff at all?
When I was in hospital, I sometimes didn't talk to my mum for weeks at a time, but then I decided to call her and things were actually fine, it was just that she got busy and didn't really know what to say to me!
It is a very scary prospect, moving out of hospital, but talking to the staff about your fears might help.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I would love to want to live but I am drawn towards suicide. I don't feel like there is much for me in life.
I tried talking to the staff in ward round yesterday but the consequence was I didn't get unescorted leave or to start self-medicating. It's stupid when I leave in 2 months.
The housing options are:
1) Go back to my Dads and see my social worker weekly.
2) Independent flat or supported housing with staff on site, see social worker and OT support.
3) Another hospital placement.
The only support I want is to see my social worker weekly so I have to go for option 1. Apparently I wouldn't get a flat or supported housing without having high support. Another hospital placement would be a waste of money plus I have no idea where they would send me.
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
Is there a reason you only want to see your social worker weekly? Like, because of trust issues?
Just living in supported accommodation could be really good if you don't want to live with your Dad but they are saying that's your only option. It doesn't have to be intensive all the time. I was in supported accommodation and though there was support, they weren't in my face all the time sort of thing.
I'm also interested to know your reasons against supported housing. Do you feel it would be too invasive? Would it be more invasive than staying with family?
IMO supported housing may well feel more independant than living with family. Of course that depends on your family! And the type of supported housing - do you have a choice?
I've found living in my own flat the most helpful thing for my mental health (varying diagnoses hovering around depression/trauma/BPD). It's so lovely to have a 'safe' place that's yours, and yours alone.
I've never lived in supported housing but I've visited/applied for some which were individual flats with support workers on site in an office (well a room with tea and sofas lol). I think there were regular meetings between each resident and the staff, but the main thing seemed to be they were there if you needed them. There were often a couple of residents having a ciggie and chatting/laughing with the support workers outside on a sunny day, it all seemed very informal, but, well - supportive.
**Something else has occured to me which is a bit off tanget but could have implications for the future. I'm in a position myself now where I cannot afford my flat (private rented, not council flat) as I'm on sickness benefits and am only allowed enough housing benefit to rent a room. This is due to a benefit change a couple of years ago meaning under 35's are expected to houseshare (unless in a council/social property).
There are exemptions to this rule, and one of them is: spending 3 months or more in a hostel or supported living accomodation, and receiving 'resettlement' support.
So, although it won't matter now, in future you could rent your own flat where otherwise you'd not have the money unless working.
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
I have had a change of heart and I have decided that I want to live in a bedsit/flat with support on site, possibly see my social worker weekly and have OT input. I am nearly 30 and feel that I need a space to call my own and I have realised I need to utilise as much support as possible in order to keep well and stay out of hospital. I really don't want to mess up and end up in hospital again. I don't want to spend my life in hospital.
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
If I am honest, the original post read as if you were expecting them to help you with preparation for coping in the outside world where in reality a lot of those activities that help a person settle into community life actually occur post discharge [with support]. And since a higher level of support was not something you were willing to have post discharge, it left the situation rather difficult.
Yes you would benefit from as much pre discharge preparations as possible after that long, and home leave, or leave to somewhere safe is a very very important part of building confidence in your own abilities to manage whilst having your bed as a back up plan still and the ward staff for on call support, but things like volunteering are often set up after you've been home and able to commit to a level of work right for you at that time.
Depending on the supported accommodation, it can be pretty independent. Its certainly better than relapsing back into a hospital environment, and there is nothing to say that in 6 months you can't look at having your own place off the back of supported accommodation. Step down is usually a sensible idea for people with long term mental health problems such as yours.
I know wanting to be free and having things you've craved, from being in hospital so long, is at the forefront of your mind probably, but try and think sustainability and what will help you be where you want to be, not just in 3 months, but in 3 years.
Can you discuss your options with them and involve your self in the planning of getting out of hospital?
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
Maybe you could discuss it with your favourite nurse you see regularly or support worker/ care staff but very informally
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
