Does anyone else feel somewhat nonchalant with regard to their illness?
It's not something that's bugging me, in fact it's quite nice, but I have been feeling a general lack of concern towards my "condition" (I don't consider myself to have a condition, but my medical notes state otherwise) of late, and well, I was just curious as to whether anyone else experienced the same. By lack of concern I don't mean careless, irresposible, or apathetic, it's simply that it doesn't really bother me anymore. I am mindful of it, but I don't worry or analyse everthying I think or feel or do. I tend to experience what I call peaks and valleys, and when I'm feeling up, I capitalise on it, when I'm feeling down I do what I can to get by. I have accepted that it's just the way that I am by now, and I am relatively content in general, despite having blips.
Last night I cut for the first time in almost three years. It was premeditated, I had every intention of doing so, despite having no reason whatsoever. I was actually feeling perfectly content within myself, but I Just felt like doing it, and so I did. And I genuinely don't care. I won't do it again, it's not something that I need to do anymore, and nobody will know about it, so I'm like, so what? I don't know... should I care?
Ok, I have no idea what I want from this thread. I think that I just wanted to ramble and get my thoughts out. But if anyone can relate that would be great, and thanks for reading.
Hmm, you may have hit the nail on the head there. Perhaps I am confusing recovery and acceptance with not caring? Yeah... your right, it's acceptance rather than a lack of care or hope. It feels so nice to say that after a long struggle.
The thing is, I do care and make an effort to stay well, but not to the extent that it takes over my life or I worry myself silly about it. To be honest, I don't feel as though I have an illness per se by now, and just consider it a cluster of (sometimes undesirable) personality traits. Of course I feel frustrated and dejected at times, but on the whole, I'm not overly concerned anymore - if the ****er is insistant on living with me it can, but I'm (mostly!) in charge.
I think the fact that I don't give two hoots about last night's "incident" threw me a bit, and I feel as though I should be concerned about it. But then, why? It's done now, and it was just a blip. I was going to say no harm done, but perhaps life goes on would be better suited!
Thank you for your reply - I appreciate that it was a slightly random/poinless post in the first place, but it has helped me gather my thoughts and some much needed perspective.
What you're actually doing is managing your illness but not letting it run your life. This IS recovery! This is what people aim for.
And you're right, recovery does have blips and bumps, but acceptance and shrugging them off and moving forward is how it needs to be.
This is a concept called 'Radical Acceptance' and is generally taught in DBT.
Be very, very proud of yourself for where you are. It's different, so it does feel a bit 'weird' but you're on the right path and going in the right direction.
So well done!
Thank you! I feel like doing a little celebratory dance now, but I am at work (clearly not working though, ahem) so I will try and restrain myself!
Yeah it does feel a little strange to finally get to this point, and I guess you sort of question whether it is genuine. But I'm hopeful that it is, and when I reflect on the last few years, the progress I have made is remarkable. I haven't forgotten how bad things were at one point, and that serves as a fantastic incentive to make the most of the good times, learn and move on from my from my wobbles, and ultimately stay on track.
Anyway, will quit rambling! Thanks again, and I hope your well
