Happy Birthday to Me :(

strangecharm · 19-07-2013, 01:14 AM

The more I think about it the more I believe I have outstayed my welcome in life.

Every thought sends a pain through my head.

If I'd succeeded in killing myself years ago I wouldn't have to be alive to hate the fact I've made it to my 21st birthday.

Now all I can think about is ending it today and being done with it.

I can't live hating myself when I look in the mirror and I can't avoid looking in the mirror forever.

I'm so stuck and I just want to die.

Fuck feeling like this! Gah I hate this!

baggyjeans · 19-07-2013, 09:46 AM

I used to feel like you then everything changed and now I regret ever feeling like that. I thought life would never get better and then it did. Don't give up but you have to make an effort to change your life for yourself if that's what you want to do.

Aztec · 19-07-2013, 09:58 AM

Hey there,

I understand how you're feeling - I'm 22 and spend most of my birthdays reflecting on how I'd planned things for every previous birthday.

It's not easy, but you CAN get through this. Just take it easy, and take each day as it comes. Have you spoken to anyone about why you feel like this? We're here for you!

Also, happy birthday lovely! *hugs*

Fire Fly · 19-07-2013, 10:10 AM

Oh love; I'm really sorry you feel like that. Getting to your 21st birthday is a huge achievement. It can be upsetting and also make you feel angry that you have come to this age however it's an achievement through how much and what you've been through. It shows your strength and success.

In away I've always also said I would be dead before my 20th birthday and should of succeed in my many times in my suicide attempt however I'm still here and will be 21 in October which frightens me but I also guess it shows that I can get through this patch I'm facing now and get through as I've been through so much and got out the other side.

It feels hard that we are in a way still 'suffering' but that won't always be the case. I hope you birthday will be a good day or you change the way you see it and see it as another day. Is there anyone you could talk to about this? Someone who could support you and be there with you today? Xxx

strangecharm · 19-07-2013, 06:26 PM

I had a mental health assessment on monday and they'e telling me the outcome next monday. It'll probably be a few months waiting list before I get seen. It's been 6 months already waiting. My life is just a waiting game and I'm fed up with being patient!

I have so many urges to damage myself or get high or get drunk off m head just to get away from the shit going on and I don't want to do it anymore. Every time I see a professional they ask me if I want to press charges. They ask about abuse and I can't talk about it! I can't tell them about what's bothering me because they're not specialists. They haven't dealt with people like me. How do I explain to people who don't understand and have no possibility of ever truly understanding it? How do i explain to people who don't feel completely vulnerable and uneasy in their own bodies?

I don't want to make it through today alive but I probably will and that sucks!

CstarL · 19-07-2013, 07:47 PM

Please just try and open up to them. The therapists are normally therapists because they have been through a situation. I went through many therapists before I found one that I liked. It was explained it to me like this: therapists are like ice cream you have to try lots of different flavors/therapists to find one that works for you. I tried many therapists of all kinds of shapes and sized before I found one that I trusted. Your mind also has to be in the right place before you are honestly open to getting help and finding a therapist that works for you. There are several types of therapy, not just sit down and talk therapy. I used to know someone who did talk therapy well she was working with houses. This worked for her because the horse keep her mind partly busy so she would not have anxiety attacks. The hardest part about therapy is finding a therapists that works well with you. Good Luck

cloudedmind · 20-07-2013, 11:28 PM

My Chriiiiiiiis <3 sorry I am not around this week but i will be on here when I can (not chat, doesn't work on my phone) but I wanted to pop in and say I dont care what you think, yoy are meant to be here and you won't always feel this way. You can do so much and you will get the help you need (even if it takes a while) and until then we are all here loving on you ;) snugs xxxx