Is it really that peculiar to not crave a relationship and babies??
As the title suggests, I am currently single and frankly, I'm loving it - I can do what I want, when I want, and with whomever I want. Single life suits me, and has done so for a few years by now. I do have relationships of sort, but they're always more of a 'friends with benefits' type relationship (with somebody I know, like & trust) - all the fun stuff without the commitment. This may sound a tad conceited, but I do get attention (not loads, but some!) from genuine, nice guys who do want to be more than just '**** buddies', but I just don't reciprocate those sentiments at present.
Admittedly I am a bit of a loner, not in the sense that I don't have friends/company, but I just need a lot of time alone, and genuinely enjoy having that time to myself. To be honest, I am a little unsociable, and too much human contact tends to drive me to the verge of being homicidal. At present, the thought of being in a relationship does not appeal in the slightest. I like my own company, and don't want to have to share my time, house and big comfy bed with anyone for more that a night or two - and that's pushing it. I honestly don't feel as though there's a void in my life, and am pretty content at the moment.
And as for babies... well I have never wanted them. Not during my hormonal teenage years, unsettled early twenties and not now either during my relatively calm late twenties. I frankly don't have a maternal bone in my body (although I acknowledge that this might change), and am probably a little too selfish to have kids anyway. When my friends and aquaintances have babies, I am genuinely pleased for them, but I personally just don't 'get it'. The same goes for marriage come to think of it.
Now, my friends know me well and totally understand that I don't want a boyfriend/pain in the arse, and that I have virtually no interest whatsoever in having kids. They accept that about me, and don't really question it. I also admit to them that I may well change my mind in the future, and it's just left at that.
But some people just really get on my tits about the whole thing sometimes. My new next door neighbour for example recently enquired as to whether or not I had a partner, to which I replied 'no', and he seemed shocked, looked as though he felt sorry for me and gave me a proverbial pat on the head by saying 'nawww, you're young enough, you've got plenty of time'. Someone else a while ago randomly said to me 'don't worry, you'll find someone', and maybe I would if I was actually looking. Plus I get a near constant barage of 'you'll change your mind' or 'you'll see when you're older' about having bambino's from other women. When I try and explain that I am not interested in having children, they look at me as though I have just walked out of a spaceship or something.
Sorry, this is turning out to be more of a rant than anything by now. But can anyone else relate or empathise? Is it really that bloody bizarre for a near enough 29 year old woman of full mental capacity to not want a relationship, and to not want kids? I am currently quite happily enjoing my life of fun days out with friends, plenty of me time, unrestricted holidays and no arguements over the remote control or what's for dinner. I have very little desire to give that up at present... man, I am soooo weird!
I'm married, but I do not want kids. Like you, I might change my mind. But I've never felt maternal or any desire to give up my freedom to have children. It's very frustrating when people don't respect that and expect everyone to be like them! So yes, I can relate about the babies part and I can definitely see the benefits of staying single, so I don't see anything odd about that either. Live your life how you want to!
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
No it's not peculiar to not want those things, some people can't accept that but it sounds like you know what you want and what you don't and that's good it's your life :)
Thank you people, it's good to hear that it's more common than some people might think. To be honest I didn't think it was that peculiar myself either, but I've had to put up with a fair few patronising comments about it of late, and it's getting under my skin a bit. Thus far I've been handling the issue quite diplomatically, but throw a few G&T's into the equation and it might be a different story!
It's just frustrating when certain folks judge you by your relationship status, and seem to feel sorry for you having to live a supposedly miserable, lonely existence. I get pissed off when people assume that a relationship and raising a family is something that you want and desire - something that will complete you as a person. I am an individual, am incredibly independent and value my freedom. I don't want to be tied down, restricted and have a bunch of kids demolishing my wages.
My neighbour, who I mentioned in my original post, is married with a kid. The most exciting thing he's done this year is erect a garden shed - I kid you not, it was like the event of the century. But you know what, that's the life he's chosen and I respect that. I assume that he's happy, and that's ultimately what matters. But I just wish that he, and others, would respect the fact that I don't really want that from life. Perhaps it isn't terribly conventional to not want a partner or have kids, but it's my life, and I'm perfectly content with being a supposedly sad little singleton.
I think the main problem people have with others being single and not settling down is that society has kind of instilled it into us that it is the norm to want the marriage and 2.4 kids.
I don't think it's strange at all. Just because its the 'social norm' in our culture doesn't mean it's right for everyone. As another woman on the cusp of turning 29, I do want those things, but I've been single a long time and like you, the thoughts of sharing my bed, being responsible to/for someone else and having to compromise is daunting. I hope that if/when I meet the right person those things won't matter, but for now, it is something that periodically crosses my mind. I admire the fact that you are so certain of what you want and totally respect that. Three of my friends are ADAMANT that they'll never have kids and I believe them and that's fine, but they do get hassle from grannies, aunties etc. You have no obligation to explain your choice to others and they have no right to question or belittle it by saying 'you'll change your mind'.
Be kind - everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle
I get it too - I'm 40 and always get comments from family and others: have you got a boyfriend yet? You're getting too old for kids you know...."
I've been saying for years I don't want kids, never have, never will. I'm quite content with my single life as it is, thanks, but a lot of people don't understand it. A lot of my work colleagues and friends have got kids, babies, and try to get me to oohh and aahh over them, but really, just no.
My life, will do with it as I please (as long as it's not illegal). Your life, your choice, and as Pearl says, you don't have to explain or justify it to anyone else.
You don't have to be a monkey to recognize a banana!
I dont want kids. I am selfish and I want to spend my money on what I like, not because Johnny needs new shoes (or whatever kids needs these days). My ex had kids from a previous marriage, I hated giving them money but I felt I had to. Even when we were broke ourselves. I prefer to have my cats. I dont wish harm on kids, but on other hand I cant tolerate other people's kids. I certainly dont find other people's kids cute, especially babies. I liked about the fact that about my ex's kids that they were out out of the nappy stage and that you could give them back to their mother at the end of the day. Both of which you have to tolerate when you have kids.
So nope I dont see myself having kids. I dont think you're weird.
As for being single, then I dont think you're being weird. I am single and quite happy. I dont know how much this is due to being SA, though not to want a relationship. Sometimes I do get lonely, but the freedom of being alone and not having a whiny other half is worth it!
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
It's not weird. I am 23, asexual, single, and have zero maternal instinct. I don't want sex, relationships or babies (in fact I dislike babies and don't like being around them).
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Just to reassure you that it really isn't that unusual! My wife is in her 30s and has never had any desire to have children. Equally, I have friends in their late 30s/40s who are quite happy to be single, or marry without having kids. Life can be lived in so many different ways, whether you have children or not is really only a small part of your life as a whole.
Thank you all for the responses and reassurance. I suppose I'm lucky in the sense that I am personally content with being single and not wanting children, and also that the people who matter to me are wholly accepting of that. And to be fair, many people who are older/married with kids are totally understanding of how I choose to live my life, and I am sometimes complimented for my independence and encouraged to enjoy being young free and single.
I just get narked off when some patronising individuals seem to be bewildered by the fact that you are prepared to apparently abandon social norms, and can't even begin to comprehend that you live a perfectly happy existence without a partner and/or kids. You know what? If I wanted to be in a relationship, then I would be in one. I know that sounds terribly cocky and big headed, but it's true, and I just feel like ramming that down someone's throat the next time they say "awww, you're on your own? Don't worry, you'll find someone". I'm not single because nobody will have me. Opportunities do arise, often from great guys who seem 'compatible', but I always find myself turning down the prospect of a relationship because it's just not what I want.
I do understand and respect that some people feel a strong desire to have a partner, get married and have kids. It would be nice if some folks could return the favour and accept that marriage and raising a family isn't for everyone, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is the 21st century after all!
Hey I know I'm a bit late t I've just been thinking about this and remembered seeing this thread title so I hope it's ok to bring it back.
Anyway, I am 33 and have been single for most of my life, not always by choice, but like you I've always been a bit of a loner and besides I'm just so used to being alone, doing what I want when I want. My longest relationship to date was 10 months on and off and he drove me bananas by wanting to spend all his time with me. I need time alone for reading/online etc and I really missed that.
Anyway, I had a chat about this with my aunt the other day, we said we are single sisters, she is the same as me, loving being single, not having to answer to anyone. Right now I think I actually hate relationships, and I've known for years that I don't believe in love (for me) I can't imagine myself ever being crazy about anyone ever again (except for Bill from Tokio Hotel but that's not gonna happen!) even with my obsession for him, it's like safe cos I know I'll never be expected to actually do the whole relationship thing, I can just admire and fantasise about him from afar with no commitments.
As for babies, I do love children, but only when they're someone else's and I can hand them back when they start crying/pooping. It's might seem like a silly concern, but I really need a lot of sleep, like most of the day and I couldn't have that if I had a child, I'd have to be up mad early and I just couldn't handle it. I'm just being practical. I have a cat who is my child and that suits me just fine.
So to summarise, no I don't think it's peculiar, I think everyone is different and can have their own opinion/decisions about it, but no one is right or wrong, it's only right or wrong for each person, not for people in general. You can be my single sister too!
I'm in my thirties. You're given one life and you spend most of it working your arse off to maintain a life style you want.
To then compromise it for someone who will probably mostly piss you off and take up all the space in bed. Then add to that the ruin to your body having their child and to plough about 60% of your time and thoughts in to trying to make that unit happy, is a waste of your own life.
Most marriages end in divorce and most kids grow up and have issues with things in their childhood. What they call natural looks like a self inflicted mental illness to me!
When people act like i'm strange, I give it straight back. Just cause it's the general consensus don't mean there's anything 'normal' about it!
And, (some) people like others to be like them, to want what they want, etc-- it reinforces their view of the world and makes them feel comfortable about their choices, rather than acknowledging this whole big world of choices to be made.
I think sometimes some of the people who are most adamant that you have to make the same choices they do-- may really wish that they felt they had the freedom to consider and make other choices. And then some people are such black-and-white thinkers (there is only one right way to live, my way, thus all other ways are BAD!)
To be trite, how boring would it be if everyone did all the same things?
Maybe it's the way I was raised or maybe it's society in general but when I was younger I always thought I wanted to grow up, get married, have children and spend my life raising them. It just seemed like... that's the whole point of life, it's just what you do.
I realize now that there is more to life than getting married and having kids, I'm unsure I even want those things, more than I ever have been. But I still feel it's something that's constantly reinforced. Always being questioned, particularly when other people around my age get married. I'm okay with my simple little life the way it is thanks :)
It's not perculiar at all chick! I don't particuarly want kids, I dont see marriage in my future - I'd be a lot happier living with a best friend or something than a partner. Everyone is different and will be happy with different lifestyles - so as long as you're happy, who cares what anyone else thinks! x
if you think you know me in real life, no you don't.
I'm 27. I've never wanted a relationship before and, though I am dating someone now, it's very early days and my feelings of wanting a romantic connection could change. I don't want children and never have, though I understand that this could change. I'm currently far, far too selfish to have dependents.
As has been said, you don't have to justify yourself. Just go with your own flow.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
You know it's funny when people talk about how they always expected to grow up, get married and have kids. I never expected that for myself. Maybe it's low self esteem, maybe it's the fact my childhood crush destroyed any confidence I ever had, but I never thought anyone would ever marry me (and I still don't) so maybe that's why I've always just accepted that ill always be alone, cos who would want me?
xx