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Triggering (SI) - So...despondent.
I've been doing so well. I haven't cut since October and even then that wasn't a proper cut, the last decent cut was in August. It feels as though tonight I'm going to kill my butterfly, I just have so much crap going on. I feel useless and hopeless and worthless and dejected and blah. Why do I bother to wake up? I get out of bed in the morning and bring a dark cloud around with me everywhere I go. It must be so difficult being my friend, I don't know how they do it. I bought some new blades tonight and I think I may use them. Hopefully do a proper cut, though I'm not sure how well that will go as it's been such a long time... I'll probably need ice >.< what a freaking wuss, can't even properly destroy her own body. I don't want to do this but I feel so compelled.
I'm just in a bad place and I'm not sure how to get out. I've filled out my trigger boards, I've written in my journal, I've showered, I've baked cookies, I've drawn pictures. I just can't seem to help myself... What else can I do, cutting is on the bottom of my list of things to do, so I know it's okay and that noone will be mad but I still can't help but feel like a terrible failure. So many people are trying to support me through this and it feels like everytime I cut my own skin I'm cutting theirs.
Why is this so hard. Why has this progressed this far, that first scratch wasn't supposed to lead to my muscle and my deep cuts weren't meant to get to my bones. I'm a danger to myself, I know this and still I feel so powerless to stop it.
</3 K. Help.
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