5 1/2 months on ...
Well its 5 and 1/2 months on since the last time i cut. The half month might look of no importance but with self-harm even something as short as 2 hours matters.
Things havent been great lately... iv left my grans in Scotland after repeat throwing out threats. I am now in Manchester and enjoying feeling content. I have a court case of some importance coming up and its testing the very little will power i have.
I used to self-harm at the least thing... first it was 1 cut at 13...then when you find something sharper
the initial pain is less so you cut more and more
and more....
Before i knew it 2 years on and i was cutting 50-60 times in one night. It became something that took over me i didnt even stop to consider anything else.
I'd just go to the toilet .. take a razor.. spend five minutes with the sweats and itches taking it apart and drag it over my arms.Each cut giving me more of a thrill.. its wrong... and i hate myself for doing it. It doesnt stop there though you think you can handle it by restricting yourself to one area (arms) ..
Then 3-4 months on .. theres no more skin that hasnt got scars. People start to notice your arms. Employers look there nose at you. So you move to somewhere else.. Legs, Back, Stomach ... **** i dont know anywhere i havent.
Gets to the stage where you can't wear shorts, t-shirts, nighties. You try to hide it from family... long bottoms and t-shirt on top.
IT TAKES OVER YOUR LIFE
Like pringles... once u start you can't stop!
I must have literally a thousand or more scars on me.
I got to the stage 5 months ago i just didn't do it one night. At first instead of self-harming i'd punch a wall, stairs, radiator anything to make me feel the pain i did before. To make all the feelings disappear for a while.
Everytime i punched the wall it didn't help. I had to see the swelling, the bruising. The throbbing pain when you stop.
It's messed up i know.
Lately iv pretty much resisted...
Had an arguement with a close friend lately and yeh the wall became my best friend once more and for hours after i felt such a rush with my bruise as if i'd won a prize.
I know this is wrong but it's the way i get...
I'm kinda rabbling on here and don't know if this will make sense to anyone and in a way i dont want to stop i love the thrill it gives me ..
I just hate that the least little thing can make me act like someone that's escaped on day release...
Right im done... comment me.....
